I can count the number of times in my hand where I felt like I really needed a higher being to help me with a problem. There's really not a lot of things that bothers me at night because I always find a way out in any ordeal I'm facing. I am certain that I'd get through it at the end of the day... well.. probably the next morning.
So when I get struck by a problem that is incredibly difficult, I know for sure that I won't be getting some sleep for a few days.
These past few months, I discovered that life could get more exciting. I found out that there are things that are just within your reach. It's thrilling. It's so inviting... it's addictive.
Don't get me wrong, I have done some shit that I am never really proud of even before. But this time, it just got exponentially worse. To the point where I never really thought about consequences. To a point where I am not sure what's going on, like the feeling where you just don't care where this is heading anymore. I just didn't give a fuck.
If you truly know me, you know that I try things. I wanna make sure my time in this world counts. I wanted to feel stuff. Some real shit. I'm not a daredevil or some kind of a pretentious prick who brags about achievements, Again, I guess I just wanted my time in this world to mean something. I didn't want to regret missed opportunities when I'm 80 and dying.
So I dared to live.
Meron mga bagay na proud na proud ka na nagawa mo e, pero parang di ka parin kumporatableng ipagyabang kasi sa totoo lang, hindi naman talaga siya dapat i-pag yabang.
Nung mga nakaraang buwan, mga bago mag pasko. Tuloy tuloy ang pasok ng biyaya. Sa puntong hindi mo na alam kung ano ang pipiliin mo.
Ferrero, Kitkat, Butterfinger, Oh! Henry, Reese's, pati na Chocnut... wala akong inatrasan. Lahat sinubukan ko. Lahat na ata nang dumating na biyaya sinunggaban ko. Kahit na hindi ko talaga gusto, Pinatos ko pa din. Kahit na labag na sa kalooban ko, hinayaan ko parin yung sarili ko malasan yung sarap.
Ang sarap sarap naman kasi talaga. Hindi ko maintindihan. Siguro dahil narin sa tagal ng panahong hindi ako naka tikim ng tsokolate. Kasi sa Pinas, me mga tsokolate naman siguro, pero hindi yung tipong 1 to sawa. Yung tipong pag kumain ka, alam mong mabibitin ka.
Hindi kagaya dito... Isang labas mo lang sa pinto, anjan na siya. Langit. Lamig din kasi siguro.. kaya parang ang sarap sarap ng tsokolate.
One time, di ko na makilala yung sarili ko. HAHA seryoso nga. Natatawa nalang ako isang bes kasi parang, sa loob ng isip ko... "Ano bang problema ko? Normal pa ba to?" Dumadaan ang araw na hindi mawala sa isip ko yung lasa ng hazelnut sa Ferrero. O yung mga almonds sa loob nung Kirkland milk choco. Adik na adik na nga ako.
Meron pang isang bes na habang kumakain ako ng Oh! Henry, iniisip ko na agad buksan yung Crunchie kasi di ako satisfied.
"Ganto pala yun". Sabi ko nalang sa sarili ko. Nakakainis neto, habang nageenjoy ako sa chocolates, naririnig ko yung sarili ko sa utak ko e. "Ayoko na, last na talaga to." minsan, "Masama na to sakin, hindi na maganda to" Sabay bukas ng Kisses.
Ang arte arte na ng pakiramdam, ang arte arte ko na pakinggan. Yung iba nga, normal lang sa kanila to. Malamang sa malamang, pinagmamalaki pa nila to. Normal naman talaga to e. Wala naman talagang problema sa pinaggagawa ko. Siguro.
Wala naman talaga hanggang meron na.
Dumating na sa puntong manhid na ko. Tipong wala ng excitement. Inaraw araw na. Basta makatikim lang. Sapat na.
Last month I felt different. I felt like something was off. I felt like I have a fever or something. I started to feel some pain every time I talk or swallow. My eyes were tired. Felt like my body's trying its best to give in to gravity. I was soooo tired. Waking up was so fucking hard I started to become late for work for a couple of days. And eventually... I had to give up and listen to what my body dictates. I had to rest and take a few days off.. on both jobs!
I hated being sick. I felt useless. Although the sensation of just lying in bed for a whole day is close to paradise, I still can't shake the idea that I spent the day just doing nothing.
It didn't cross my mind that my sickness is due to my incessant need for sweets. or I guess I just didn't wanna open that door. I don't wanna blame the chocolates. Fuck that. I didn't wanna blame my inability to control myself. I didn't wanna go there. I can't accept the fact that I made a decision that may cause me a shit ton of problems in the future.
It's not even about about taking responsibility. It's now about the shame and everything that goes with it. It's about the people around me that placed me in this false pedestal. It's only a matter of time before I had to admit my mistakes. Matter of time before I face the consequence.
Suddenly I had to change some things. I cut ties with my need to devour those heavenly creatures. I had to make a drastic decision. There were no time for doubts or any idealistic notion that everything will be fine in the end. No. I had to stop. I had to stop before everything I worked for starts to fall apart. There were so many things that I just can't risk losing. And for what??? For a quick fix? For a fucking Chocolate bar? No. My life is enough. My future is enough.
I started to quit.
Before work, I had to drive by the doctor's office. I spoke with a nurse there about my situation. She was a huge help. She talked to me about some shits that I already know. But coming from her, it made me realize how incredibly, mind-numbingly stupid I was. She also mentioned something about the part of a guy's brain, where decisions and consequences are formulated, and how it only develops at the age of 29 - 35. And I'm only 26!HAHAH it doesn't mean I get a pass on my stupid decisions, but it made me feel like a child. And that's what I needed to hear during that time.
Anyway, I had some tests done. It was torture. It was torture knowing that in 3 days I get to know if I have Diabetes or not. 3 days of waiting. 3 sleepless nights. 3 days of paranoia and what ifs'.
These 3 days made me weak as fuck. The kind where I almost lose the will to smile, and to enjoy life.What got me through the whole thing is sharing this with a very few people I truly truly trust and people I know who will know what to say. My support system I guess. Funny thing is I wanted to tell them about it, but I didn't wanna talk about it because I didn't want to think about it.
Fuck. It did help. Life is so much better if you have great people surrounding you. Great people who you can actually trust.
But... I'm still waiting. I'm still wondering if addiction can be cured. Because fucking honestly, all I think about now while writing this is going up to the kitchen to go get me my fix of pure indulgence.
I don't know anymore. I keep telling myself that I'm above average, That I can control my self. That I have discipline. But I guess that's what these things do to you... It makes you forget your inhibitions. It makes you succumb to your earthly desires.
But fuck that. Fuck recklessness. Fuck self-indulgence. Fuck your demons and fuck your sweet false promises. I choose life. I choose the long run. I choose delayed gratification. I choose the salty and the bitter. You should too.
