Ang Pagiyak ng Kapatid ni Dimples Romana

I was in the shower contemplating about my life choices and how it changed my whole perspective in life. I could probably be done taking a shower in 10 minutes but it always takes me about half an hour tops to finish, because I spend the rest of the time thinking about LIFE itself. It is a good feeling. I should probably use that time to actually scrub anything from the thighs down but nobody really cares about anything under your crotch area.



One time, I thought of an instance when a hotel guest got mad at me for something incredibly irrational. Long story short, He was wrong and I was right, I didn't argue. I stayed silent and did my best to get it over with. I just stopped giving a fuck.

 There was an argument that needs to be said and done right at the moment. But fuck, that moment, it's probably because I was already exhausted and I'm about to be off in 15 minutes anyway, but that moment, I realized I was done with THAT phase. 

I just didn't give a fuck anymore.

So while I was marinating my hair with CLEAR anti dandruff shampoo, I begin to think of the reasons, and past instances that lead me to my new way of handling people's shits.

I am pretty sympathetic. I understand how to adapt to people's emotion. I can naturally adjust to the ambiance of the surrounding. I often know what to say and when to say stuff to make a person feel what he or she needs to feel at the time. I always make sure that I put myself in the situation first before I fire up a reaction or a sentiment. I am always very careful about the gestures, the eye-movements, and the words that is being said in a conversation.

Or at least I was. Well fuck I still am this person, I still try my best to sympathize and shit... but I can very much feel the difference between my old self and the new one.

Alam ko naman kung bakit. Napagod narin kasi siguro ako magkaroon ng pakialam. Hindi naman siya phase e. Kasi madami din akong kilala na sobrang maraming pakialam sa buhay ng may buhay hanggang ngayon. Yung masyadong concerned. Wala naman masama siguro sa pag-aalala sa kapwa, pero siguro nga lahat ng sobra nakakasama. Kakapagod kasi. Kakaumay.

Hindi ko talaga makakalimutan yung contestant sa PBB teen edition. Pinatawag yung kapatid ata ni Dimples Romana sa confession room. Tapos iyak siya ng iyak dahil yung mga housemates niya nagaaway away daw. Tapos sabi niya kay koya na, "Wala kasi akong magawa para mapasaya sila e" Yung tipong pakiramdam niya obligasyon niyang paligayahin yung mga kasama niya sa bahay, yung tipong inako niya yung responsibilidad na maging masaya lahat ng tao. Hindi ko na matandaan kung anong year yun, pero alam ko bata parin ako nun, pero katakot takot na mura na yung nabuo sa isip ko nung mga panahong yun.

Kasi, putangina ka, ano bang problema mo? hahahaha yung galit ko talaga hindi masukat. Kasi yamot na yamot ako habang umiiyak siya na putangina talaga, sino ka ba sa tingin mo? Magaapply ka bang bagong santo? Downline ka ba ni San Pedro para umarteng may pakialam ka sa mga taong isang buwan mo lang naman makakasama?

Pero lipas na yun. Nanalo na si Kim Chiu. Nakarekober na ko't sana nakarekober narin siya. Sana phase lang talaga yun. Sana maramdaman niya na hindi niya pasan ang mundo para magiiyak siya ng ganon. Sana dala lang yun ng kakitidan ng utak epekto ng murang kaisipan.

Meron pang isang tropa, tropa naman, pero sablay lang nung mga panahong yun. Sarap sarap ng inuman, masaya lahat. Turn ko na sa videoke, tapos salubong pa yung shot. Biglang may nagaway sa may labas. Gusto ba naman makisali kasi treasurer ata ng home owner's association ng subdivision nila ung naagrabyado.

Pambihira yung yamot ko. Tipong, seryoso ka ba? May away din sa Olongapo, sa Marawi, sa Sudan, sali ka din? 

Pagkatapos ko magbanlaw, parang may bumatok sakin na napamulat ako ng bahagya. Para dramatic. Tipong narealize ko, baka ako naman talaga yung mali. Baka ako yung may diperensya. Baka normal naman sa tao na magkaroon ka ng pakialam.

Don't get me wrong. I could be very involved. Especially around friends. There was a point in my life where I took the role of the "shoulder to cry on", the secret keeper, the friends with benefits, yung alalay ni panday, yung tagapagtanggol ng naaapi, yung taga sagot sa magulang nang may magulang, yung tinatawagan ng magulang pag ginagabi na yung anak niya, yung taga hatid sundo, yung taga libre, yung kaladkarin, yung bida-man, yung kapatid ni Dimples Romana.


Pero yun na nga. Bat di ko na siya maramdaman? Gusto ko isisi sa pagiging busy, o sa dami ng mga isipin, o sa pagmahal ng mga bilihin, pero minsan kasi parang kahit sa pamilya, nawalan narin ako ng BOOM! Yung urgency ba. Yung tipong sa isang pitik lang ramdam mo na yung "pake". Bakit ngayon parang pag may mabigat na problema, parang may ilang segundo pa ko para isipin kung ano yung dapat ko maramdaman, at dapat kong ipakitang emosyon. Parang scripted. Parang hindi totoo.


Ako lang ba to? Malamang hindi. Dami namang taong walang pakialam e. Yung tipong makasarile. Walang iniisip kung hindi yung sarili nila. Yung may pakialam lang pag may kailangan sila. Kapag beneficial lang sakanila tumutulong. Anjan lang pag may kailangan. User-friendly.

Hays. Wala lang. Gulat lang si ako. Grabe yung transition.
Nakakatakot lang, parang wala na kong nararamdaman. Laging logic yung mas matimbang. Laging may rason. Parang calculated pa yung amount ng emosyon na dapat kong ipakita. Patay? saklap. Hiwalay na sila? Ayt. Galit si ano? ok. May cancer siya? sad face.

The irony of it all is that I care so much about my not caring, to write about it. So does that mean I actually care? Who fucking knows. Who the fuck cares! But then again, I do remember praying about this when I was younger and a lot dumber. I remember praying to God to make me NOT care about people so much, to NOT feel shit. I still remember that night. Fuck I was sooo young. I was too young to pray for these kinds of things. But I do remember why I prayed for it in the first place. I was too tired of minding people's business and not getting anything in return. I guess God did answer my prayers. It took him 15 years to do so, but it worked.

I'm far from being apathetic, and I have no plans of being one.
Maybe it is a phase. Maybe it's just a matter of choosing between what's important, and what's REALLY important. Choosing what to involve yourself with and choosing to distance your self from any unnecessary drama.

Hindi naman siguro sa wala na kong pakialam, siguro nagkataon lang na naramdaman ko lang na ako naman. Ako muna. 

If in any case you feel the same, If there's a time where you just had to stop lathering rinsing and repeating that CLEAR anti dandruff shampoo on your head, and think about how much you give and how less you receive, just know that you can be selfish. You can put yourself first above others at some point and not feel guilty about it. Guards up, eyes forward, and just fuck it!