Ipahid mo. Pahiran Mo. Hanggang Mamanhid.

Ayun na.. Byahe na pauwe ng bahay. Siguro sa tatlong oras na byahe namin, siguro mga 859 na mura na yung naimbento ko sa utak ko sa katakot takot na trapik na sumalubong sakin. Para narin sa mga sasakyang hindi gumagamit ng signal light. Ilang beses atang pumasok yung kuyukot ko sa sikmura ko everytime na may mag ca-cut samin, o may pedestrian na bigla nalang tatawid sa kalsada.

Alam mo yung dasal ko na sana sa first day ng bakasyon ko makauwe man lang ako ng buhay. Ayon na agad yung iniisip ko. First day...ng Bakasyon. Makauwe lang ng buhay.

Mukha lang ang bitter bitter ko, pero hanggang dun lang naman yun.. after nung first day, umokey naman lahat. Although nung umaga ng second day ko, Dahil sa sarap ng tulog ko sa dati kong kama, sobrang sarap din ng gising ko. Yung ligaya ko di matatawaran, nasa PINAS NA ulit ako! biglang punyeta dumulas ung unang tapak ko sa hagdan. Nagtuloy tuloy yung paghulog ko. Damang dama ko bawat galabog ng pwet ko sa bawat baitang ng hagdan.Tugudugtugudugtugudug. Nagslow motion lahat ng nasa paligid ko. Nagtuloy tuloy yung hapis at pighati ko hanggang naramdaman ko nalang na nasa sahig na pala ko sa sala. Daig ko pa ung nahazing. Dahan dahan akong tumayo para icheck kung may kaluluwa pa yung katawang tao ko. Sabay higa sa sofa. Tapos di ko namamalayan nawalan na pala ko ng malay.

Pag gising ko, jusku ang sakit ng gulugod ko. Tipong unbearable pain. Saklap pa na ako lang mag isa sa bahay. Gustohin ko mang mag dial ng 911 wala namang 911 satin. Punyetang buhay to, Tawag ako ng tricycle agad para magpadala sa ospital. Kumbaga ang nasa isip ko lang, Lord bat ganito, talaga bang mag babakasyon akong nasa wheelchair?
Talaga bang eto yung simula ng bakasyon ko.Ang saya. Bale dun umikot ung 2nd day ko from vacation.


Awa ng Diyos, pag dating ko sa ospital, pinauna agad ako nung receptionist. Tapos ayun, niresetahan ako ng gamot, at mag pa X-ray daw ako. Ayun nga, bali yung gulugod ko. Ikaw ba naman mahulog sa hagdan ng alas sais ng umaga ewan ko nalang. Ayun na nga, dang mahal ng gamot! Binigyan ako ng gamot na iniinum, tsaka ointment na pinapahid, lahat ng pampamanhid at pagtanggal ng pamamaga. 




But despite of having a shit ton of bad luck on my first 2 days in the Philippines ...I was still optimistic. I was so sure I'd enjoy it in the long run. And I did.
I got to see my closest friends. I went to some of the best beaches in the country with them. I get to eat the things that aren't readily available in Canada.


Although this was my second vacation back in the country, There were a lot of things that I've experienced for the first time. Most of them are way too private and extremely unpleasant to share with but nonetheless, very thrilling. 



I may not be as excited as I was compared to my first homecoming, that still didn't take away the fact that I needed the 30 day off. I still enjoyed everyday where I get to wake up at 9 am and walk around the neighborhood with just a pair of shorts and a torn white shirt. I stopped by every buko juice stand or sari sari store in sight, sabay pahid ng ointment sa gulugod, and buy any fucking thing I want. 
I enjoyed the part where I practically lived in SM Dasma during those days and when I get bored I just take a bus going to Makati and stay there until the next day comes.

Yes MAKATI. Yess BGC. YES NEWPORT!! I was never a party goer, I haven't actually been in a legit night club. I never liked those places. I'm more of a bar kind of guy. A table, a live band a bucket of beer, a pack of Marlboro's and an interesting conversation. That's it. But when all your friends are either at work or taking care of their babies... I was left with no choice but to succumb to that kind of night life. 
And it wasn't all bad... in fact it was not bad at all. 



Isang gabi. Drunk as fuck. paikot ikot lang ako sa Ayala, habang nagpapahid ng ointment sa gulugod, Naglalakad. Pasulyap sulyap lang sa mga building. Madaling araw na pala, lakad parin ako, paikot ikot lang sa  museum, sa triangle, RCBC, PB COM, Glorietta, sabay asa triangle na pala ulit ako. Lasing lang. Ewan ko ba kung ba't ko ginagawa to.

There is always something to do each day.There's always somewhere to go to every day.


Pero isa lang ang naglalaro sa isip ko. Para akong college ulit. I remember the exact same feeling back when I was 23 and drunk out of my mind. The exact same feeling where there's nothing but pure ecstasy. Yung natural high. Yung ang laya laya mo. Yung pakiramdam na ikaw lang ang inaalala mo at wala ng iba.


It was an experience.. It was an experience I'd wanna do over and over again next year. It was college all over again.

I guess I realized now that a vacation doesn't necessarily mean that you need to have fun all the time. In retrospect, when I was with my friends, we talked about things that are really important to us . Things that actually matter. We had our fun don't get me wrong, I still laughed hard at their jokes and shit and I can't wait to see them again next year. But I appreciated our conversations more than ever.

 
Eto yung bakasyon na may sense I guess. Kasi parang eto na yung sagot sa problema ko tungkol sa pagiinarte ko sa "Dito o Dyan". Lalo na siguro nung gumastos ako ng 5k para lang gumaling ung pwet ko.
Eto na yung bakasyon na nagduldulan sakin na maswerte na ko sa ngyari sakin at tangina ko, wala akong dapat ireklamo sa stado ko. At habang buhay kong utang na loob sa mga magulang ko kung asan na ko ngayon. Wag akong madaming demands. 
Habang sinusulat ko to, natatawa nalang ako kasi natatandaan ko pa tong post na to. Haha. Baka 2018 na pala ang kalinawan sa pagkalabo labo kong kagaguhan.


Hindi naman ibig sabhin neto na nabawasan na yung pagmamahal ko sa Pinas. Parang sa pagkakaibigan din siguro yan. Pag asa Canada na ko, bihira na kami magusap usap. Pero di naman nangangahulugan na hindi ko na sila mahal lahat. Ganon lang talaga ang buhay. Kelangan mag adapt.


Parang mga first two weeks ko sa Pinas, ang bait bait ko pa. Tipong "Good Morning po" "Kamusta po kayo?" Ako pa si totoy bukas ng pinto, si boy ngiti sa lahat ng madadaanan. Si tango ng tango sa lahat ng makasalubong. Pero nung hindi pinapansin ni ate yung bayad ko sa jeep, habang ngalay na ngalay nako kakaabot, magbabago din pala yung ugali mo. Ugaling skwater mode ulit. Masaya din. Masarap din talaga maramdaman na sa dinami dami ng pagbabago sa buhay ko, isang babaeng hindi marunong makisuyo lang pala ang pagpapa realize sayo na skwater parin palo ako. Ang saya. Ang sarap na nalalakaran mo ng sabay yung dalawang magkaibang kalsadang iisa lang naman ang patutunghan.


Ewan ko ba, habang pinapahid ang ointment sa gulugod. Two years... two years pala bago ko marealize na okay na pala ko sa Canada. 

Happy Canada Day 2019!

Although I don't think I'll ever get to laugh as much as I do in the Philippines, or enjoy every single day like I did during my vacation. I will have to choose Canada for now. It might not be the life I hoped for, but it is the life I deserve. I'm not sure if I can afford to go on vacation this 2019... I might have to pass on this year. Kinailangan pa palang maalog ung pwet ko ng 14 times para marealize na okay naman pala ako. Sana pala narealize ko nalang ng mas maaga. Pahid pa ng ointment. Para mamanhid.

Moving the f*ck out, Moving the f*ck on

If you're one of my closest friends, perhaps you already know that one of my greatest dreams is to have a place of my own. I don't really know where it came from or how it started, but ever since I can remember, I always had this affiliation with owning a house. A place where I can be comfortable and be at peace. Growing up, my family had a fair share of moving in's and out's. Lumaki ako sa Noveleta, then sa Kawit, then sa temporary house sa Gen. Tri, then finally sa bahay na talaga namin sa Gen Tri din.

During these times, it never crossed my mind that we will ever have to move. My childhood happened mostly in Noveleta. My mom's hometown, where her and her family lived for generations. I can still remember quite a lot of memories from that house. I thought I was going to live there forever. What did I know at 12 anyway. That place taught me how to make friends. It showed me the concept of community, only because every family in the compound is related. But I guess having  "too much family" proved to be extremely demanding. You can't seem to live peaceful where every unit is trying to bring each other down, it became toxic and unbearable. It wasn't truly our home. 

There were a lot of memories, but there was no growth. Now, my childhood home is but a rubble in the narrow streets of Noveleta.

We had to move to Kawit eventually to avoid familial conflicts. The place used to be an abandoned house owned by a relative. It looked haunted, and more likely to resemble a jungle more than a house. It was a big house with plenty of space to garden. I mean the land was spacious! There was even a "poso" (Shang ena nemen eng kenyow ko nemen ditow) situated on the center of the garden. I can still remember the first days of unpacking boxes. It was the first time we had to do it. My first time moving in to a new place. It was also my first time to have my own room. So that was definitely a plus on our end. And I was ehem going through puberty at this time so door locks is a matter of life and death. A necessity. 

Anyway, we didn't really stay for more than a year in that dump. I was so impressed by how my parents handled the situation looking back. I can still remember them fighting about whether to move out the next year or not, or about the choices of prospective houses. I didn't quite grasp the gravity of the situation at that time. At 13, all I really care about is my friends at school and how leaving them is the worst thing that could ever happen to me. 

But my mom was so dedicated to move out and to find a better living space. She knew from the beginning that that place was not a conducive environment for growing children. She dreamed big. She put her foot down and risk huge down-payments and monthly amortizations. 

I can't even begin to think where she got the money from, or if we even had savings. My brother and I are both studying in private schools, and my brother that time was already in college, STAYING in a dorm, an added expense. I am only realizing how stressful must that be for them and more importantly, how determined my mom is at that time. She was brave. She wanted the best thing for her family no matter the cost.

So there, her dreams turned into reality. We found a place in General Trias, Cavite. It was once a place of complete serenity with only cows and fields in sight. I think this was back in 2014. We had to rent a place in the same subdivision where our home is being constructed. My parents wants to see the progress and I guess if the contractors are using the right materials. So for a couple months, we had to endure staying in a place where we know is only temporary. It was so much better than the one in Kawit. The surrounding was a little bit more upscale. Roads were a lot wider, people were a little more decent, and the atmosphere seemed a little safe.

I, of course, had to transfer highschools. Fortunately, the school that my mom chose for me is only starting to offer high-school classes. So everyone basically is a new kid. No awkward phases and shit.... Well... not exactly... there were definitely some awkward phases. yep. very awkward. 

Going back to the actual topic, When our so-called "dream home" at that time was completely built, It gave my parents the validation that they did very well for themselves. Having a decent house at the time somehow reflects success. Don't get me wrong, we were very far from actually owning the house. I believe we had to endure paying it for 7 to 10 years, I'm not very sure. But those months were tough... I mean not really for me and my brother, but for my parents. Again, I still can't understand how they were able to juggle paying the mortgage, tuition fees, bills, food, all the while managed to gave us the luxury of being an adolescent without having to give a single fuck about financial issues. 

And when we finally paid the last payment. The time when we can truly say that we own our home, that it is ours, I just remembered that 12 year-old kid in Noveleta and how far he has gone. I was just grateful for what my parents have achieved. That was their dream. Theirs.

Fast forward to 2017, We are in Canada. We migrated from the comfort of our home in General Trias to an unfamiliar territory. A place where acquiring a place of your own seemed impossible. After all the years of monthly payments, it felt like it was all for nothing. Who's going to live in my parents dream home now? Who's going to take advantage of the renovations I have designed? No one. It occurred to every single one of us to just sell it and use the money here in Canada, but none of us can't seem to let go of that place. There were just too much stuff that were invested in that house. Amin na yun e. Whatever happens, we have a house. A home. 

2017 My brother and I bought a house in Edmonton. A year after we landed in Canada. I used most of my resources to help buy a house here. No matter the cost. It was for my family. It was payback. Whatever happens, they will have a home. Wherever they go, they will have place where there is comfort and peace. Because it was never just a dream for me, it was every bit of gratitude for every single sweat and tear they've endured for me and my brother.

Moments passed. Life has been lived. Andun na ko sa puntong, ano naman?
So yung matagal ko ng pangarap, natupad na. Finally may bahay na kami... bakit parang may bumabagabag parin sakin. E tuloy tuloy naman yung pagtanaw ko nang utang na loob sa mga magulang ko by handing them a house on a silver platter. 

Hm..Neto nalang din nag sink in sakin... Hindi ko pala pangarap ung bahay na yun para sakin. Para sakanila pala yun. Hindi pala para sakin.

So bilang Pilipino tayo sa isip sa salita sa gawa at sa mga outdated na kaisipan... Alam kong magiging mahirap pa sa punyeta ang pag sabi sa mga magulang ko na gusto ko ng bumukod. 
The fuck, even mentioning it on a casual conversation, you can actually see the disdain on their faces. 

Sobrang hirap i explain sa traditional Filipino parent na gusto mo din maging independent, magsarili at mabuhay ng naaayon sa gusto mo, at hindi sa kagustuhan nila.

Pero yun, ang natutuwa naman ako sa ugali ko, I was never afraid to voice my shit, especially when I really really need to express myself. So ayun, it was a conversation that happened on a dinner table....and as expected, the conversation ended with disappointment and dismay. It was a shock for some reason. I just can't believe they can't grasp the idea that kids grow up, and eventually, they move the fuck out. 

They assumed that my moving out meant that I didn't want to live with them anymore, and that I am no longer happy staying with them... well there are some truth in that, but it wasn't like because I fucking hated them! Of course I love that I wake up in the morning not having to worry about breakfast, or going to work knowing my uniform is already washed and ironed. Of course having to come home from work knowing there's Sinigang or Tinola on the table. 

They even thought it has something to do with me wanting to become more "WESTERNIZED" and honestly that fucking hit a nerve. I went from calm to a complete condescending piece of shit.
It was never about that, it was not even about proving a point at that time. 

It was just me wanting to have my own space. My own effing life. 

My life. A life filled with decisions covered with mistakes glazed with life lessons. Is that too much ask?

I finally wanted to move forward and start thinking about me. All this time, I always had my family in the background. I always have this voice telling me that a decision may lead to their disappointment. That it will upset them if I do this or that. 

I craved for a time where It was just me. That I can finally shut everyone up and say fuck man, it's my turn.

So I moved. And man it was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. I experienced heaven and hell alone and I survived, still surviving. Still enjoying the comfort and the peace. 

I still can't believe I was able to accomplish this now. I am very happy. It can be sad at times. Sometimes I miss the comfort of family, but I wouldn't have it any other way. My only hope is that they can get over the fact that it has nothing to do with them. That it was all me. It was for me.

In retrospect, I really thought they'd be proud about my moving out, just because they can finally stop worrying about me. That it will prove that they have done a perfect job in parenting because I can stand on my own feet. But I guess they've always known that about me... they just didn't know I'd do it as soon as I did.

Fuck ang hirap sa una, lalo na pag pera na yung pinagusapan. Jusku grabe yung perang nailabas ko maabot lang tong pangarap ko. Pero hindi talaga siya masakit kung tutuusin, kasi lahat naman ng nagamit ko ay pinagipunan ko ever since I got here. Sobrang galing kasi nag line up sila lahat. Kumbaga, isang araw nalang paggising ko, shit ngayon na ko lilipat. Then boom. December 14, 2018, I moved out from my parents' house to my apartment.

Now, still struggling with monthly bills, insurance, rent... but who cares... Parang andito na ko sa part na, hmmm... what's my next goal?
Siguro ganun naman talaga, kung walang katapusan ung gastos, edi sulitin mo na, mag unli-goals ka nalang din. Sa bandang huli, ikaw rin naman ang makikinabang sa pinaghirapan mo.