I used to be religious. I had this novena booklet under my bed when I was young, and I used to read a couple of passages from it before I sleep every night. I was also very fond of reading bible stories and was really enjoying them very well. In high school, I was also very interested in the Christian Living subject. I was very intrigued by the whole thing. I wanted to learn the terms, the philosophy, the moral aspects, the dilemmas, the contradictions... everything to the point where I was asked by the principal to join this Christian brotherhood in school, but see, I was already contented with just understanding the Faith.
I don't think I'm worthy of the position, or maybe I can honestly not live up to its demands. Of course one may argue that it always starts with not believing or with the feeling of unworthiness. Some would use a story of a shady taxpayer who eventually became a follower, or a former prostitute who later decided to become faithful. But that's not the deal, I am a believer ever since. I choose to believe for so many reasons.
Yes, I chose to believe. I find it ironic that I have to choose to have faith, like I am forcing myself to believe in something that could not actually exist. You may twist my words any way you want to, it's okay, 'coz truth be told, I also consider the idea that the whole thing might be just a some sort of propaganda, a story, or a tool used by colonizers in the past. But I never forced myself to believe in any religion. It was a personal decision supported by the many times faith made me feel secured, satisfied, and absolved.
I love Catholicism. I enjoy being part of the community. I feel like, it suits me the best considering the lifestyle I chose, since there's not much rules to be concerned about. Ang hirap talaga pag religion, pambihira bago ako mag type ng word, salang sala! What I'm trying to say is, of course Catholicism has TONS of "guidelines", last time I checked there were 10, but I'm pretty sure people decided to play God and decided to add a couple of things. However, these commandments doesn't exactly shackle one from doing otherwise. It does create a type of foundation, or a certain standard on how a Christian should live, but I feel like it ends there. A mere guideline. A very general guideline.
I guess what I'm pointing out is, as a Christian Catholic, I feel more free than a/an *insert religion*. I don't necessarily have to do stuff all the time. There's not a lot of specific requirements to be followed. I felt like freewill is some sort of a game changer in the religious world, and I am so about that life.
I sound like a complete asshole I understand. But believe you me, It is NOT the main, and ONLY reason why I wanted to be a Catholic. It is an incredible incentive, for sure, but I just appreciate the idea that my God is a forgiving God. That he is a merciful God. Because he knows how sinful I have become. I have disappointed Him in so many ways, and I'm quite certain you're not exactly mother Theresa as well. So I am very grateful, so
grateful, that I have a personal relationship with Him. I don't go to Church religiously, or follow religious practices quite often, and it pains me to admit that I haven't prayed in a very long time. I didn't realize that typing about is harder than I thought. It's getting harder and harder to breathe, suddenly I feel disgusted about myself, I feel like my heart is beating quite fast, like I'm guilty of a terrible crime. I hate that I can't find it in myself to come back to Him any time soon. I just feel like I'm in too deep with my demons.
Funny thing is, I remember back then, when my innocence was still intact, I use to pray to Him every time I'm in a situation I can't seem to get out of. Like every time I feel like giving up, He was the only one that could make me feel better. Like a kid's security blanket. Praying simply ends all my nightmares. He was always there. I'm sure there's a psychological explanation why I feel comforted after speaking with Him, like it helps when you formulate your problems in your brain and consciously talk things through, but I don't care about that, what's important for me is that I got through the night. And whether or not Science has something to do with it, I don't really care. Because I chose Faith.
All things said, I do enjoy the occasional ridicule from non-believers. I find it funny. It amuses me as long as it's witty and smart. I don't really put too much interest in cliched jabs or the trite insults merely because it's boring. Not worth the time. It just has to be funny, and somewhat objective. Something that could make you go, "Oh yeah, the Bible might be wrong about that, oh well".
Bottom line is, I miss being religious. I miss not eating meat during Lenten season. I miss getting excited going to mass to hear the homily. I miss wanting to fall in line for the ostia, I miss the long talks with God. Somehow I wish I can still believe in the Faith unconditionally.
Pero alam ko sa sarili ko na mahal ko parin ang Diyos ko. Utang na loob ko din yun sa lahat ng pagkakataong pinatulog niya kong malinis ang konsensya. He is the best God in my opinion. I will come back to Him eventually. I just hope He's still there when that time comes. Because I never did feel like I abandoned Him completely. He is still the conscience I feel whenever I'm going astray. He is still someone I think of when the load gets a little too hard to bear.
So ayun, magsisimba kami bukas. ACTS. Adoration, Contrition, Thanksgiving, at Supplementation. Sabi ko sanyo kinabisa ko lahat ng terms e. Sana magkaroon ako ng lakas ng loob sundin ang mga 'to sa dasal ko. Ang dami kong bagay na dapat ipagpasalamat. Ipagpasalamat na pinalaki ako ng mga magulang kong Kristiyano. Wala masyadong hassle. Hehe, hindi stressful. Masaya. Bagay na bagay sa pagiging Pinoy.
Sa kasamaang palad, dahil sa structure at sa maling persepsyon ng ilan nating mga kababayan, nakukulong yung isip nila sa mga ideolohiyang napaglipasan na ng panahon. Mga bagay na hindi na "convenient" sa panahong ngayon. Lalo na yung mga mejo bobong tao, kadalasan yung mga mejo me edad na, yung mga mejo sumisipsip na kay San Pedro. Sana lang respeto parin yung manaig. Respeto at bukas na kaisipan.
Because if we're really gonna think about it, Religion was indeed an effective tool in our getting colonized by the Spaniards. And we all know how it turned out for us. But we still decided to believe in God. Even if the ones who brought the religion in the first place abused us in any way possible. I don't really understand how it happened, maybe because the clergymen back then were white and we just decided to fall under their spell again I dunno. Colonial mentality is a bitch in all eras.
Pero diba? sa pagkakatanda ko, Wisdom was one of the 7 gifts of the Holy Spirit (shhiiet, tanda ko pa, sabi ko sanyo e ano ha) teka, Wisdom, Piety, Fortitude, Awe in the Lord, Understanding and Knowledge...bat 6 lang to.... aaah, na memental ako. Ayan bobo na ko. Nasan na ba ko, Ayun na nga. Sana mahanap natin sa sarili natin intindihin mabuti ang mga mensahe bago isabuhay, o bago ito ipamahagi. Kasi ika nga, bulaang propeta daw tayo, marahil totoo, marahil hindi, kung tutuusin wala naman talaga dapat tayong paki sa kung anong sektor ka ng Kristyanismo e. (O kung san kang relihiyon nabibilang)
Wala ng pilitan pls. Hindi naman to networking e. Basta magkaisa nalang tayo na para pumunta ka sa langit, kelangan mong tanggapin si Jesus Christ (o kung sino man ang Diyos mo) sa puso mo. Tingin ko yun naman ang importante talaga e, kasi sunod sunod na yun. Kung buo ang paniniwala mo sa kanya at alam mong pagaari ka niya, tuloy tuloy na yun. Tiwala lang. Maniwala ka lang.
Basta ako lab ko si Lord. At Roman Catholic ang ilalagay ko sa mga fini-fill-upan na forms. maikli lang, dali ispell. Hindi talaga hassle.
No comments:
Post a Comment