Si Manong at Ang Nakakabwisit Nyang Pananaw

"Hindi talaga kami magkasundo ng anak kong yun. Napakatigas ng ulo." Sabay shot ng iniinum naming empi lights sa birthdayan ng tropa. "Naiintindihan ko naman na hilig niya yun, pero wala siyang mapapala kapag sinununod niya yung gusto niya" Dagdag ni Manong sabay subo ng singkamas pantagal pait ng alak. 

"Ganun po ba, kanya kanya lang po sigurong trip yun no?, kasi baka ayaw niya naman po talagang mag nurse." Sabay abot ng tagay sa isa pa naming ka shot. "Hindi rin kasi, ako ang nagbabayad ng tuition niya. Hindi naman sa pag aano, pero dapat ako masusunod." Ramdam ko kay manong yung hinanakit sa mukha niya, o baka dahil nakailan narin kaming bote o baka sadayang crumpled lang yung mukha niya. 

"Ganun po ba, marami naman po din namang pwedeng maging trabaho ung anak nyo pag graduate. Kasi lalo pa't in-demand din un sa ibang ba..." "Mas in demand ang Nursing sa ibang bansa, tiyaka pag naka graduate ka ng Nursing, alam ng mga taong matalino ka. Maipagmamalaki mo talaga.
Kasi tingnan mo, Bri, Ang engineering  my board, lawyer, teacher... lahat ng may board o bar, magagandang course yan. Siya lang sa mga anak ko ang kumuha ng course ng walang board." Sabat ni Manong.

Sa mga oras na yun, lahat ng mga kainuman namin ay nakikinig na sa kanya. Busy naman ako sa pag lagay ng alak sa shot glass at pag refill ng "chaser". "Siguro po tingnan nalang natin yung mangyayari, importante naman po siguro na makagraduate. Pero ganun po talaga e" Habang pinipilit na tumawa ng kaunti at nangungusap sa iba na mag bukas ng ibang topic. Kabadong kabado na ko ng mga oras na yun at pakiramdam ko palapit na ng palapit yung tanong na mag papabaligtad ng sikmura ko. 

At yun na nga, hindi nagpatalo si manong at hindi na nagpatumpik tumpik na tinapos ang foreplay namin. "Ewan ko ba sa anak kong yun, matalino naman, ewan ko ba kung ba't nag HRM yun. Ikaw ba Bri, ano bang course mo?" Sabay lagok ng isang punong shot glass ng empi. "HRM po" Tiningnan ko nalang sa mata si Manong habang inaantay yung reaksyon niya, kasi hindi ko rin alam kung paano ko iaahon sa hukay yung sitwasyon. Hindi ko matandaan masyado yung mga sumunod na ngyari, dala narin siguro ng kalasingan, o baka dahil parang dun narin ata natapos yung convo. Lasing na si manong, me tama narin ako. 

Mahilig ako mag tanong. Lagi akong may opinyon o ako yung tipong mag bubukas ng topic tapos pag dedebatihan ng tao, sabay makikinig lang ako sa mga perspektibo ng iba't iba tao. Mahilig akong makinig, pero hindi ako mahilig magsalita. Kaya nung mga oras na yung kausap si manong, wala akong ginawa kundi makinig at pinigilang kontrahin yung pananaw niya. Dahil alam ko narin naman na pag umabot na sa ganoong edad ang isang tao, sarado na utak niyan. Based on experience narin siguro sa kakasalamuha sa mga ganoong klaseng tao kagaya ni Manong. Sila yung mga taong hindi papatalo, yung laging may sinasabi basta may nasabi, at hindi hindi magpapalamang.Pag dumating ka na kasi sa ganoong edad, at phase ng buhay mo, iniisip mo na alam mo na ang lahat ng dapat mong malaman. Tumatandang paurong. Sarado na ang isip. Dagdagan mo pa ng lason na nilulunok mo bawat ikot ng tagay, nawawalan ka na ng sense of control. 

Hindi ko narin pinatulan sa kadahilanang, magaang ang loob sakin ni Manong, may respeto kami sa isa't isa, at dahil may respeto kami sa kaibigan ko na nagcecelebrate lang naman ng Birthday. Hindi ko din naman maitatanggi na sobrang awkward ng sitwasyon after kong sabihing pareho kami ng course ng anak na kinadidismayahan niya. 

Ayoko narin patulan kasi, naniniwala ako na ang exposure niya sa term na HRM ay mga puro bobo lang ang kumukuha nun. Kasi may stigma naman talaga tyaka... haha.. basta. Isa pa, importante sa kanya na may BOARD o BAR exams yung isang course. Naiintindihan ko kung san siya nanggagaling, at nirerespeto ko yun. 

Merong mga bagay na sadyang hindi mo na maitutuwid, o mababago. Lalo pa't naisara na ng matagal na panahon ang utak sa pagunawa ng mga bagong ideya.

Hindi na ako nakipagaway sa kadahilanang hindi naman ako naapektuhan. Kung tutuusin, mas naawa talaga ako dun sa anak niya. Habang nagkukwento si Manong, hindi ko mapigilan yung sarili kong tumingin mula ulo hanggang paa ni kuya. Kinikilatis ko kung 
"worth-it" ba na magaklas ako at kontrahin siya point by point. Pero hindi e, kita mo naman kasi sa tao kung anong posisyon nya sa lipunan, at kung hanggang saan lang ang kahahantungan niya. Sa parehong paraang hindi binibigyan ng importansya ng elepante ang isang langgam.

I really felt sorry for the kid. I just hope that he has the same kind of mentality as I do when dealing with these kinds of situations, the "I hear you...but watch this" attitude. Thing is, If he tries to let his dad's insecurity get in the way of what he truly wants, it will only benefit his dad in the long run. One of the worst things that could happen to you when you're older is to live somebody else's dream. It's not the end of the world don't get me wrong, If he decides to follow his dad and become a nurse, he might be living a decent life, he might be very successful by now. But, I dunno if it's just me, but I'd rather be happy and content at the end of the day.

Thing is, my story right there is no different from the stories most people have. This has been the case for several parent-child relationships. It's not necessarily only about which course to take, but also for each future decisions a child will make.
The worst part of it all is when a child does something he hates, just to get his parent's approval.

I do not hate the person seeking validation, I also do not hate the person who he seeks validation from. 
What I do hate is the effect it has on a person, once that validation is NOT given.

That person becomes insanely obnoxious towards every one he gets in touch with. You know that one kid in your class who keeps on bragging about the things he has, or has done? You know that one kid who doesn't shut up about his accomplishments and how great he is in something? That kid who will fucking degrade the shit out of you because you didn't really care about anything he has to say? Yes. That's a kid who didn't get any validation from his parents. That's a kid whose parents didn't really give a shit about his first stick-figure drawing.

Notice how I keep on referring him as a kid? Because I believe that once you become an adult, that kind of attitude should be left in grade school. You should try to be more sensitive about what you have to brag about. 

These people are everywhere. In school, your workplace, at home, in Church, on Twitter, Facebook, everywhere. Nobody can erase them from the world but we can try to humiliate them as much as possible. :D

So again, Why is it so important for someone to get validated by anyone who they think is above them.
Whether its our parents, our friends, our relatives, or the society, why do we crave for their approval. 

But then again, is it really that bad to seek validation from someone else, or is it just merely human nature. Of course it is a nice feeling when someone you look up to admires what you do. Of course it gives you comfort when they say they support you all the way. I think the only time it gets unappealing is the moment you compromise everything you believe in just to receive that validation; when you do what you do for the satisfaction of someone else's. 

It might sound completely obvious, but we never really ask ourselves, if we are only living the life we're living because of someone else's influence. Have we ever evaluated a decision and figured if that decision is 80% beneficial to a certain individual? 

Nakalimutan ko na talaga kung ano pinaglalaban ko dito, hindi ko rin alam kung bat parang galit na galit ako haha. Pero siguro kasi gusto ko lang ma-i-document yung inuman namin ni manong nung mga panahong yun. Hindi ko siya kilala, hindi nya ko kilala, pero yung kahihiyan na pareho naming naramdaman sa paguusap na yun, hinding hindi ko makakalimutan.

Hindi ako nakipagdebate, hindi ako kelan man kumontra, dun ko lang din napatunayan kung gano katatag yung tiwala ko sa sarili kong kakayahan na hindi ko kelangan patulan yung pagmamaliit niya sa larangang kinuha ko. Sa bandang huli, hindi niya naman buhay to, at hindi narin naman kami magkikita, at wala naman talaga siyang lubos na kaalaman sa mga pinagsasabi niya. 

Sa bandang huli ulit , Yun nalang din naman yun. Basta secured ka sa mga desisyon mo sa buhay at sa mga pinaggagagawa mo, wag mo nang pinagtutuunan ng pansin yung mga sabi sabi ng mga manong o manang sa tabi mo. Patapos na sila e, ikaw naglalakbay pa. Papunta ka pa lang, pabalik na sila. Madami na silang nakaing bigas, Bigas na hinain sakanila ng nakaraang panahon. Ikaw, hindi lang bigas ang pwede mong kainin. Mag quinoa ka kung malandi ka. Mamili ka. Malaya ka.

Mga Madulas na Dila sa Gabing Madilim

It's funny how as you go through life, you reach a certain point when people around you talks about the same exact thing. Your conversation with a certain person seems to be no different from the one you had with another. I guess it only goes to show how every one deals with the same shit no matter who or where they are. There will be a time when an individual will just stop and think about what's next, to stop and ask what everything is for, or what exactly is the point of everything.

This occurrence usually happens between the ages of 26 to 30. At this time, people tend to overthink about a lot of things that are happening in their lives, or worse, the things that are NOT happening that they wish they were. It is some sort of a "midlife crisis" but more like a build up of anxiety caused by the extreme pressure of the people around them and from the demands of society. I have already touched this subject more than once in some of my posts but I wanted to bring it up again under a different light. 

Iba talaga nagagawa ng Redhorse at ng isang paketeng yosi sa usapan tuwing madaling araw. Parang biglang nagiiba yung hangin sa tuwing magsisindi ka ng isa at hihingang malalim. Kasabay ng pagbuga mo ng usok na hindi kailangan ng yong katawan ang pag buhos ng emosyon na nanggagaling sa limot na bahagi ng iyong isipan. Magugulat ka nalang na yung mga dumudulas na convo sa isip mo ay madulas na ding lumalabas sa dila mo.

Sabi niya, pagkatapos tunggain yung shot...

"Bakit yung ibang tao, parang nakalatag yung stars nila. Bakit parang lahat ng mga dapat mangyari, nangyayari sa kanila." 

Habang unti unting nagpipigil ng luha at dahan dahang humihithit. "Tipong nakalatag na sa kanila yung mga dapat nilang gawin. Nagaral, grumadweyt, nagtrabaho, nagkashota, nagpakasal, nagkaanak, nagkapamilya..."

Habang nakikinig sa mga katotohanang naririnig ko, unti unti ko ding sinasalin ang gintong alak sa baso. Naglalaro sa isip ko kung ilang beses ko na narinig tong mga eksaktong salitang to. 

"Bakit ako parang kalat kalat. Parang hindi sumusulong, sali saliwa, andaming stop overs."

Dito na bumuhos yung luha niya na may kasamang maliliit na tawa. Natawa nadin ako. Bumubwelo at nagtatagpi tagpi ng mga salitang kailangan marinig sa malamig na gabing yun. 

"Kung pagiisipan mo, meron ka ba talagang gustong tanggalin sa mga nangyari sa buhay mo. Nagkataon lang siguro na pinili ng ibang taong laruin yung buhay nila ng easy mode. Kung daretso man yung mga stars na nakatadhana sakanila, iyon ay dahil pinili nilang sundan ng tuwid yung tinatahak nila. Pinili nilang sumunod sa nakaayon at dinidikta ng kapalaran nila. Iba ka e. Ginusto mong laruin ang buhay ng difficult mode. Nung mga panahong dapat nagaaral ka, pinili mong mag session kasama ang mga kaibigan mo. Hindi ko sinasabing mali yun, dahil may kanya kanya tayong rason kung bat natin ginagawa ang mga ginagawa natin, pero that time, would you have it any other way? Baka kung hindi ka sumama sa inuman, baka hindi mo nakilala ang mga totoo mong kaibigan ngayon na nasa tabi mo sa oras na hirap na hirap ka. Gugustuhin mo ba ang buhay na wala sila? Baka naman talagang tuwid talaga lahat ng stars natin, nagkataon lang na may mga tao talagang hindi madidiktahan. Mga taong nabiyayaan ng sariling pananaw sa buhay. Yung mga taong maswerte at nabigyan ng kalayaang mamili ng daang tatahakin."

Hindi man eto ang eksaktong mga sinabi ko nung mga panahong un, ganun narin un. Wag ka nang ano. 

Natapos ang umaga ng maalwa at maluwag sa paghinga. Habang naglalakad ako pauwe, dun ko lang natandaan na nung nakaraang taon, nakausap ko din ang isa ko pang kaibigan tungkol sa usapang ito. Napangiti nalang ako habang iniisip na "Hindi lang pala ako".

Maybe it's the idea of having too many people around you marrying and starting a family life. Maybe it's the fact that when you open your Facebook account all you see are baby pictures and party invites. Or maybe it's the way people just stopped being considerate about your feelings in general. Maybe they figured, just because they follow a certain path, you should too, and they feel obligated to vex you until you lose your self esteem and belief that you still has a value in the society, even without the O' Holy blessings of the sacred sacrament of Matrimony, or the gift of an offspring who's entire set of values rely on a British Pig, or a canine cop.

Kung bakit ang hirap umiwas sa dinidikta ng lipunan hindi ko maintindihan. Bakit kaya parang ang hirap hirap umasa na may kakayahang umunawa ang mga tao sa paligid mo. 

Sa bandang huli, ang pinaka importante naman talaga e yung tunay na kaligayahang nararamdaman mo. Yung sayo lang. Yung hindi mo pinipilit maging masaya para lang mapasaya sila. 

Kung totoo man ang sinasabi nila na ang purpose ng bawat tao ay maging masaya, hinding hindi mo makukuha yun kung isa isa mong iintindhin ang boka ng mga tsismosang kapitbahay. Paligiran mo ang sarili mo ng mga taong marunong umunawa at may totoong pakialam sa ikakagagaang ng buhay mo. Yung mga taong hindi na mag tatanong kung bakit hindi ka pa nabubuntis. Yung mga taong hahawakan nalang yung kamay mo at sasabayan kang magaantay.

Ang Byahe ng mga Hiwang Letsugas

Now, I'm 28, I start to struggle on what I wanna do in my life, career wise. I once talked about how I decided to take a Hospitality Management course because I didn't wanna do an office job. I didn't wanna be confined in a cubicle with just a computer to talk to. I said i wanted to interact with people with different background and different views. I was so full of shit back then. I guess I was still not exposed to what the real world has to offer.

After 5 years in Canada, I have been a "sandwich artist", a quick-service restaurant supervisor, a guest service agent, a restaurant manager, a Front-of-the house supervisor, and now a regular salad maker.

First job in Canada, I became a regular staff doing regular stuff for a well known sandwich place. I knew I'd get the job right of the bat. I went for an interview and I know I can ace that shit without a bit of hesitation. Humility aside, I know what I'm capable of. I know exactly how the interview is gonna go. I mean for fuck sake, if I fail an interview for a staff position in a fast food chain, I might as well go home and end it all. 

Yabang no? Pero kasi hindi ba dapat ganon yung attitude? Ewan ko lang a, kasi kung let's say, nabigyan ka ng pagkakataon mag aral ng 6 years sa elementary, tapos, sabihin na nating 4 years sa highschool, tapos, kung sinuwerte, nakapag college ka pa, kahit hindi tapos huh, diba parang dapat mataas pa sa hairline ko ngayon yung kumpyansa mong mapapasa mo yung interview sa isang first-level entry na trabaho? Kasi kung hindi mo pa nadedevelop yung ganong mindset, baka eto na mismo ung wake up call na may dapat kang iimprove sa sitwasyon mo.

Being a staff for a year gave me all the confidence and knowledge I need moving forward. I was new to the place and all I really needed at the time is to have a job and to earn something. It was a bonus that I got promoted right away as a supervisor. I wasn't necessarily proud of the promotion 'coz I know, even though I am qualified, I know anyone from our team could have handled the position, I was just lucky that I was a resident at that time. 

From then on, I was able to save some money to buy everything I needed, even having enough for an initial payment for a house. In a year, I realized life was good.. but it could be better. I understand fully that I was holding a position, but it didn't do much for me. I felt like it was just a title, it wasn't really much of a glow up. I experienced carrying a whole garbage bag full of lettuce from one store to another because we are about to ran out. I didn't have a car back then so I had to carry that shit on commute. 

Habang tumatawid ako sa overpass pasan pasan yung mga letsugas sa balikat ko, dun ko narealize na ayoko na. Kahit negatib 15 degrees na sa labas basang basa parin yung kilikili ko. Pinagtitinginan na ko ng mga tao kasi sa lahat ba nman ng pwedeng gamiting plastic bag, ung garbage bag pa ang available. Mangiyak ngiyak na ko sa inis at dismaya sa sarili. 

Kasi in my mind, as a new immigrant, as a supervisor, I felt like that was it. That I can live with the title and for the dollar increase in my paycheck. My heart and my whole being keeps saying I needed to get out!

Hinding hindi ko din naman pinagsisisihan yung pagtrabaho ko dun sa store. Dun ko rin kasi nakilala yung mga taong nagbigay ng inspirasyon sakin na maging matyaga, ang magtrabaho ng hindi angal ng angal. Trabaho yan e. Napakaswerte ko lang talaga na winelcome ako ng mga pinoy na masisipag at may respeto sa trabaho. Kumbaga ang swabe ng transition ko from unemployed to someone who has a job experience.

Of course, resigning is never an easy thing to do. I gave my 2-weeks and prepared for my new gig. A close friend of mine who used to work at the same sandwich place encouraged me to work for this world famous burger place as an assistant manager. I was little bit anxious of the transfer because I'm again, going to have to adapt to a new environment, and unlike the sandwich place where there are only 4 to 6 employees working, I have to deal, and ehem, manage, a team of 20 something. 

But again, all I know is I have to move on. And besides, assistant manager sounds better than a supervisor. Masarap lang pakinggan ung manager. Assistant nga lang. 

Napakahirap ng simula jusku po. Hindi ko alam kung san ko ilulugar yung sarili ko. Especially ang daming empleyado. Merong mga batang staff, merong mas may edad sakin ng konti, at meron ding mas matanda pa sakin kahit i-times three yung edad ko. 

Ang masaklap pa neto, dahil bagong salta ako, wala akong alam sa mga nangyayari, wala din naman akong malapitan agad bukod sa kaibigan kong nagpasok sakin. 

Naalala ko pa yung kwento ng kaibigan ko na nagtatrabaho sa Singapore, naikwento nya nung nagbakasyon sya sa Pinas , na napromote din daw sya sa trabaho nya, pero walang rumerespeto at sumusunod sakanya kasi mas bata sya ng gaano sa mga empleyado nya. Nung kinukwento nya sakin un, ramdam na ramdam ko yung hinagpis nya. Kumbaga nilagay ko yung sarili ko sa sitwasyon nya, inisip ko... "Ako kaya? Pano kung sakin nangyari yun?"

Pero ayun na nga, kelangan talaga tatagan ng loob at patibayan ng sikmura. Kung tutuusin, wala namang pasaway sa mga staff. Nasunod naman yung mga bata, at marespeto naman yung mga nakakatanda. Kaya lang iba din talaga yung bago ka at walang alam gawin kundi mang utos. Parang nahihirapan akong unawin yung idea na bakit ko sayo iuutos to e ako nga di ko kayang gawin yan. 

Dito ako mejo nagstruggle. Kasi bilang "manager" ang trabaho mo lang talaga ay mag "MANAGE!". Hindi ka magwawalis, hindi ka magluluto, hindi ka magbubuhat, hindi ka magpupunas. Isa kang inutil maliban sa paninita at pagoorganize ng buhay ng may buhay. Hindi ko talaga kaya yun. Kumbaga, ako din kasi yung tipo na bat ko pa iuutos e kaya ko namang gawin. Istorbo pa ko.

Pero apparently, that's just how it is, you were assigned to be in a position where you have to be there. TO BE PRESENT. To notice, to estimate every situation, to see the bigger picture, to move things around, to coordinate. TO MANAGE! 

I started to understand what it truly meant along the way. I learned what it really means eventually. But only when I learned how to be an efficient staff. I forced everyone around me to teach me how to do their job. I needed to learn the smaller details of the work to have a certain boost of confidence to do what is really intended. Little by little, I learned how to work every station. I was handling both front and back houses. It gave me all the confidence I need to command my staff to do what I want them to do, in return, it gave my staff the desire to respect my work. 

Sobrang hirap ng trabaho sa isang fast-food. Dito ko nasimulang makita yung totoong ibig sabhin ng customer service. Hindi mo pala masusukat yung pasensya mo hanggat hindi ka nakakasalamuha ng mga taong isusuko lahat ng dignidad nila para lang makalibre ng french fries. Dito ka makakakita ng mga taong pinsan na ata ni satanas kung makapag sinungaling para lang ma-upsize yung drink nila. 

Magiiba talaga yung paniniwala mo sa "the customer is always right" Parang ang sarap kuhanin yung karatulang yun at ihampas sa mga customers na walang modo hanggang pumutok lahat ng capillaries nila sa muka at mapisa ng parang tansan ung mga eyeballs nila habang unti unting nababasag ung bungo nila sa may drive thru window. 

Nung mga panahong ito ko rin naranasan mag part time. Nakapasok ako bilang isang Front desk agent sa isang hotel katapat lang ng store. 

I was incredibly proud of myself at that moment. I was a bringing more money than ever before. I was also able to save more and to buy things that I never really needed. Life was good. Tough as shit. 

It was my first time to work with a team with no Filipinos at all. I was outside my comfort zone but It never really bothered me. Besides, this is what I wanted ever since...dealing with people of different backgrounds. 

The job was pretty straight forward. You basically register the guest into the hotel and become their slave till they set foot out of it. The job was tough in way because I have to be very "professional" every single time. I have to become someone else I hate. I have to choose my words carefully as if I was at a dinner table with relatives on Thanksgiving.

I enjoyed the company of my team though. I started to become very comfortable with them as I am with my Filipino peers. I never really thought they would get my jokes and my antics, but they did. I realized people are really just the same all over the world as long as there is respect and relentless understanding to each other's shortcomings.

Meron lang din akong isang ka teammate na sobrang yabang. Jusku yung tipong lagi niyang ibibring up kung gano siya kagaling, o kung pano siya pinuri ng guest, o kung pano niya na solusyunan yung gantong pangyayari. Honestly, he was the only issue during my time there at the hotel.

Don't get me wrong, I want everyone to have that kind of confidence and shit. Confidence however, turns into arrogance when you feel the need to broadcast it every chance you get. 

I knew from the beginning I need to shut this fucker up. I need to find a way to shield myself from his bullshit and learn to work with him without wanting to bash his face in the computer screen and ctrl+alt+delete him in his narcissistic world of delusions. But then I realized violence and upright aggression are never the answer. So I relied on sarcasm and condescension to get me through this ordeal. 

This also inspired me to step up my game and just do better at my job. I strove to be better than that guy, because as much as I hated him, he was actually really good. If only he wasn't so full of himself, I would've praised him to his face, but he wasn't. So when the time came when the manager needs to choose someone to be the front desk supervisor, it was I who got picked instead of him. It was probably the biggest gloat of my entire life. I was't going to take the job anyway because I got a better offer as a Restaurant manager, but it still lead him to find another job. 

Yung mga balakid kasi minsan siguro anjan lang para bigyan ka ng rason para mas ganahan ka. Kung hindi siguro ako naalibadbaran sa kayabangan niya, baka hindi rin siguro ako nagkaroon ng paki sa trabaho ko. Minsan din, masarap lang talagang makasakit ng tao. Pero syempre biro lang. Ibig kong sabihin, wala na sigurong mas magandang ganting hihigit pa sa pagpapabuti ng sarili. 

I just got back from my vacation in the Philippines when my boss offered me to run a whole store by myself. As a restaurant manager, I will be in-charge of the whole decision making and its day to day operation. It prompt me to resign from my hotel gig and concentrate entirely to the job at hand. It was something that I really wanted to get. I know that I can do the job. I am confident that this is something that I will be doing in the long run. 

Taking that job would mean I have to adjust to the environment again, and to become a totally different person. A boss.

Hindi ko matandaan kung kinabahan ako nung mga panahong yun. Para kasing manhid na ko sa mga napagdaanan ko nung mga taong nagdaan. O baka siguro kumpyansa din ako sa mga natutunan ko along the way. Kumbaga first time in a long time na may baril talaga kong dala sa gera.

I wouldn't say it wasn't hard because God knows I struggled big time every now and then. There were times where I just don't know why I took the job in the first place. There were also times where I felt I've gotten more than I bargained for. It was too much, but I push through. I managed.

It wasn't all bad though. As a "Boss", I felt so secured. A feeling of relief or some sort of contentment. The people around me have shown respect and obedience which I am truly grateful for. I can only wish that they really did know that I cared for and appreciated all the work they have done, and that the feeling was mutual.

Still, the stress of the work has taken a toll on me. Especially when I was also struggling with some personal problems at that time. It was a point in my life where there were just too much shit going on and I am forced to take it without a break. Then I crashed.

It was Canada day when I was on my way home from work that a teenager crashed her car into mine that finally shook my head to finally quit and take back my life. 

It was at that moment when I realized that I didn't deserve that kind of stress. Whether or not I was being a bitch for quitting or if it was actually the right decision, I didn't care anymore. All I know is that I needed to get out.

That was the first time in my life where I didn't have any back up. I resigned my post without any direction to go to. I was so confident that I'd have a job right away with the resume that I got. But my luck ran out apparently. I was actually not planning on taking another management position at the time, I was only hoping for something "easy", for something where I didn't have to "think". But most of the entry level position that I applied for refused to call. I was jobless for a month or so. 

Dito na pumasok si depression ko, I was so helpless. I was broke as fuck. 

Only when a friend finally said "fuck it, let's give it another try" that I stood up, showered, and got out of my apartment to apply for a job once more.

When I got the call back from a small store that sells salads and wraps, I immediately went for it. Kahit ano pa yan. Magkatrabaho lang. 

Siguro bumalik narin yung confidence ko, o natauhan lang talga ako na mahirap talagang walang trabaho sa Canada, kaya nagapply ulit ako bilang manager sa isang Sportsbar sa Airport. Sa awa ng Diyos at sa galing ko sa pambobola, natanggap naman ako.

Pero culture shock par pagpasok ko sa Sportsbar. Grabe yung pagkakaiba iba ng ugali ng mga tao. Dito ko naranasan yung actual restaurant setting.

Sobra palang garapalan. Tipong kung di ka gago, gagaguhin ka. Buti nalang graduate narin ako sa ganyang paguugali. Kumbaga napag-aralan ko naman ang Art of Gaguhan nung college, especially sa inuman course. Pero isang buwan din bago ko nakuha yung loob ng mga tao, whew, hirap, pero sa tyagaan din at masinsinang "pakikipagkapwa tao", naging successful naman.

Pero siguro hindi ito para sakin. Pwede kong isisi sa schedule, o sa hassle ng pagpasok sa security sa loob ng airport, o sa hirap ng parking, pero hindi ko talaga makita ang sarili ko dun.

Sa ngayon, nakailang gayat na ata ako ng letsugas. Ilang daang salads na ata ang nagawa ko kakaantay ng trabahong inaasam ko. Hindi ko alam. Pag may nagtatanong saking kung anong trabaho ko ngayun, hirap na hirap akong isulat na "staff".

Tragis, hindi dahil kinakahiya ko ung trabaho, o dahil dinedegrade ko ang mga staff, kundi dahil hindi ko lang matanggap sa sarili ko na kinailangan ko pang bumalik.Na hindi ko parin masigurado kung ano ba talagang trip ko. Na baka sa kalagitnaan magsawa at mapagod na naman ulit ako. 

Pero isa lang sigurado ko, ayoko na ng ganito, Parang di ko na kayang inuutusan ng isang taong alam kong mas may alam ako. Parang bwisit na bwisit na ko pag ginagawa ko na, inuutusan pa ko. Namimiss ko yung kape sa umaga pag dating ko. Sa isang tingin ko lang alam na ng mga tao yung gusto ko. Wala na kong pasensya.

Higit sa lahat, dito ko napatunayan na hindi talaga sakin ang pagiging empleyado. Kung may rason man ako kung bakit nasulat ko tong experience na to, itoy para ipaalala sakin na balang araw, hinding hindi nako, kahit kailan, magbubuhat ng letsugas sa over pass.