All-Purpose Dream

"What is the purpose of your existence?"

This was written on the center of a blank sheet of paper during our exam week in high school for a Social Studies class.

As a person who enjoys essay questions, I was pretty sure I'd hit it out of the park. And I did. I still beat myself up for throwing that paper away. I wish I saved the paper as a testament of the promise I made back when I was still a kid. An ideal minded, ignorant as fuck, child. 

"My purpose? I couldn't really tell as of the moment. All I know as of now is that I have to study very well, and make sure I learn something from my education. So that I can have a better chance of getting a job in the future. I will make sure that I am not gonna be an addition to the growing number of trash in the society. I will make sure that even if I don't get rich when I grow up, I'll still do my very best to help the less fortunate as much as I can. BLAH BLAH BLAH ideal shit narcissistic opinion shit sob story fishing for compliment 100% grade."

That's basically the gist of what I've written down on the test paper. It was longer than that though. I pretty much used up all the space on the page. In the end, my professor shared that paper to the faculty and each of them wrote a comment praising everything that I had said. I was really proud of it. I still am, to be honest... knowing that I was able to manipulate the emotion of my professor in giving me a high grade.

Don't get me wrong, I was completely sincere of what I've said in the test. I did outstandingly well in school. I was also able to land a job after graduation. And I am not exactly rich as of the moment, but I still manage to help out the less fortunate people when I was in the Philippines. 

One thing I am most proud about myself is that every Christmas, I wander around the city in the morning and give out food to people who live in the streets. I'm mostly happy about leaving a pack of Happy Meal beside them while they're still sleeping, and hoping they'd be glad to see it as soon as they wake up. 

You have to understand, 500 pesos is not a small amount in the country, especially to someone who doesn't earn more than $400. 

So this is the part where I have to tell you why I felt the need to brag about this.

Napakayabang na ba? Ako nang santo. Bait ko e. Pwede ng ipako. Naalala ko dati nung may "Mel and Joey" pa, may debate sila kung dapat pa bang pinagsasabi ang pag-gawa ng mabuti sa kapwa o dapat nalang isarili.

Sabi ni Joey, hindi na daw dapat ipagkalat ang ginawang kabutihan. Kasi mas sinsero daw at walang bahid ng kayabangan o malisya kapag sinarili nalang. Sabi naman ni Mel, Kailangan ding i-pagsabi ang mabuting gawain para malaman ng mga tao na may mabuting balita parin at maging inspirasyon sa iba. Parehong may point diba? Pero kagaya sa lahat ng debate, kailangan may compromise. 

Sa bandang huli, It's just a matter of balancing it out. Like anything else. I guess it's okay to tell people of your charity as long as you don't use it for your own interest. Yung tipong ipagyayabang mo lang. Kasi para saan? Nakakalungkot naman yung buhay mo kung dun ka nahanap ng validation. Wag ganun. Hindi naikot ang mundo sayo. Tsaka, haha, wala talagang may pakialam, wag kang umasa.

So yeah, Why exactly do I it though? Why do I have to do "charitable" things to other people? I really don't know how or when it started. I just remember how it feels like to do good deeds to people who are in need. The feeling every time they say thank you, and the joy you feel every time you see their faces light up when you give them more than they expect.

It's just a great feeling. I think that's it. And maybe, I wouldn't really do it, if I'm not capable of doing so. Yung walang kamatayang, "You can't give what you don't have." 

I don't have much, really. My savings are just enough for my own personal needs. Effort is also something that everyone should consider. Do it once. Just try to buy a P50 meal and look for a street kid to give it to. I hate sounding sooo preachy believe me. I hate people who are preachy as fuck. But just, maybe try it once. If you didn't like it at all, if you felt regret more than joy, maybe it's not for you. And it's absolutely okay. You don't have to force yourself in doing good deeds outside of your own interest.

You might have so many problems on your own to care about other people's shits. And again, it's understandable. You really have to help yourself first and everyone you care about, before you feel the need to extend your kindness to others. Preachy na ba? Shit putangina.

I have no idea if this is really "my purpose" in the long run. I don't even do it now since I got here in Canada. I mean most of the people here are probably richer than me. Sila tumulong sakin mga walangya.

Pero ewan ko ba. Besides having a stable job, having to start a family, and having life security in the future, why the fuck am I here? What exactly am I living for? Right? Have you ever asked that question to yourself and really, I mean really think of an answer. What the fuck right? 

Legacy. Establishing a legacy is probably the ultimate goal of every individual. I mean it should be. How will you be remembered by the people you leave behind. It's just something you had to do in your lifetime. You have to, or else... just... well you're fucked.

Parang sayang lahat ng pinaghirapan mo kung ganun ganun nalang. Yung pagkamatay mo, yun na. Hanggang dun nalang. Although hindi mo naman na mararamdaman yung saya na dulot nang pagpupugay sayo, pero ewan ko, diba? parang ang sayang isipin na may naimpluwensyan ka, kahit isa, bago ka mamatay.

Pangit naman yung pag binuburol ka, magpapasalamat pa yung mga tao na patay ka na. Yung tipong ang usapan sa burol mo, "Ay ba't ngayon lang?" "Akala ko matagal na siyang patay?" "Patay na siya? Ano na nga bang ulam natin mamaya?" "Tangina hindi pa bayad utang nyan sakin. Hayop"

I'm looking forward to doing something greater than me in the future. I'm excited, but scared as fuck to know whether or not I can fulfill my promise to that test paper. I just have to prove to myself and to all the faculty members that I earned that 100% grade. Kundi sayang lang yung tinta ng red ballpen nila.
My Gel pa naman.

"Bri Pahingi Ako Ng Tubig!"

The one thing I absolutely love about having friends is that you can tell them things you wouldn't dare say to family members. You can be a totally different person when you're with them. You can be an ass, and they will be bigger ass than you. You tend to laugh at things that are supposedly serious and cry about shits some people just find weird.

People who doesn't share the same DNA as you or an obligation to feel related with each other.

It's an unbelievable relationship bounded by time, interest and affection. 

Friendship is easy to achieve though. You can be drinking buddies with someone and share stories and what not, to one another and feel the connection, and from there you can say you're friends with them. 

You can text from time to time about things that are just simply unnecessary and enjoy the company and you're pretty much friends with each other.

People may say that it's a bit misused because apparently, friendship is so much more than anything that I've stated above. True. It's so much deeper and more meaningful than just mere texting. More important than a few nights of drinking. 

I just understand the value of using an adjective to create the perfect meaning for the word friendship. 

True, genuine, sincere.... Words that describe my feelings to quite a few people in my life right now. 

People who I can consider a huge part of my life. Someone that was there during the worst and the best parts of my existence. People who I share the shittiest and the dopest experiences throughout the week.

Quite few of them. I guess as you grow older, you realize that you don't really need a great deal of friends. Just people you can completely trust and enjoy your life with. It's less complicated. It's more comforting, knowing you can concentrate being a genuine person to just a couple of people. It's also less expensive to be honest. 

Time is probably the best thing that you can give to a friend. It's an investment. You make a sincere effort to see them. To make them feel like you're there. Even if you're miles apart. Let them realize you're always there. Time. Even when you're exhausted from work, You make time for them. You induce an allergy just to play poker and drink with them. You were always a call away. You have all the excuses in the world for your boss to be with a friend who has a broken heart. You're present in most occasions that are in need of your laughter and the joy that comes with it. You are there, for EVERY friend that you have. Punctuality may not be your strongest suit, but still, you came.

A friend is a joy to be around with. Even if you talk about a single topic for the rest of the night, even if you have to drink the same thing every week, even if you keep telling the same stories over and over again, you still can't deny the fact that you are happy with them. You are genuinely having fun. You go bored once in a while, but you'd rather be bored with them than be bored alone or with someone else. Because having them around just makes you comfortable. Because somehow you know each other's way of thinking. You know one way or the other, someone will light a cigarette up, open a bottle of beer, bring up a topic, get drunk, eat the fuck out, throw-up in the streets, do the silliest things you can imagine, as long as you're with them, you're satisfied, even having to eat a tube of toothpaste for fun. It wouldn't matter.

You love them. The kind of love that's not necessarily the same with the one you share with your family, but the kind of love where you show true affection to one another without a sense of obligation. When a friend talks, the other listens and vice versa. It's never a one way street. You cry, I cry. I laugh you laugh. Nobody will be left hanging. You'd know how true your connection with a friend is when there's just no judgment anymore. Just straight to the point understanding. Respect. True concern. You actually care about what's happening with a friend. Sometimes you don't even have to say anything, and a friend will still feel cared for. When you feel like your enemies are ganging up on you, whenever your problems are closing in on you, or when even your family can't protect you, You know you have that one friend who will be with you all the way through. The same feeling when everyone hides a cigarette from you but you're certain you could get one from that friend. Menthol nga lang. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAT!!!
 Presshiate you being one of
the most important persons in my life

Life is undoubtedly hard on its own. 

So if you do have that kind of friend,

just make sure you don't fuck it up.

Even if she asks you to get her a million glasses

of water... you suck it up. It's worth it.