All-Purpose Dream

"What is the purpose of your existence?"

This was written on the center of a blank sheet of paper during our exam week in high school for a Social Studies class.

As a person who enjoys essay questions, I was pretty sure I'd hit it out of the park. And I did. I still beat myself up for throwing that paper away. I wish I saved the paper as a testament of the promise I made back when I was still a kid. An ideal minded, ignorant as fuck, child. 

"My purpose? I couldn't really tell as of the moment. All I know as of now is that I have to study very well, and make sure I learn something from my education. So that I can have a better chance of getting a job in the future. I will make sure that I am not gonna be an addition to the growing number of trash in the society. I will make sure that even if I don't get rich when I grow up, I'll still do my very best to help the less fortunate as much as I can. BLAH BLAH BLAH ideal shit narcissistic opinion shit sob story fishing for compliment 100% grade."

That's basically the gist of what I've written down on the test paper. It was longer than that though. I pretty much used up all the space on the page. In the end, my professor shared that paper to the faculty and each of them wrote a comment praising everything that I had said. I was really proud of it. I still am, to be honest... knowing that I was able to manipulate the emotion of my professor in giving me a high grade.

Don't get me wrong, I was completely sincere of what I've said in the test. I did outstandingly well in school. I was also able to land a job after graduation. And I am not exactly rich as of the moment, but I still manage to help out the less fortunate people when I was in the Philippines. 

One thing I am most proud about myself is that every Christmas, I wander around the city in the morning and give out food to people who live in the streets. I'm mostly happy about leaving a pack of Happy Meal beside them while they're still sleeping, and hoping they'd be glad to see it as soon as they wake up. 

You have to understand, 500 pesos is not a small amount in the country, especially to someone who doesn't earn more than $400. 

So this is the part where I have to tell you why I felt the need to brag about this.

Napakayabang na ba? Ako nang santo. Bait ko e. Pwede ng ipako. Naalala ko dati nung may "Mel and Joey" pa, may debate sila kung dapat pa bang pinagsasabi ang pag-gawa ng mabuti sa kapwa o dapat nalang isarili.

Sabi ni Joey, hindi na daw dapat ipagkalat ang ginawang kabutihan. Kasi mas sinsero daw at walang bahid ng kayabangan o malisya kapag sinarili nalang. Sabi naman ni Mel, Kailangan ding i-pagsabi ang mabuting gawain para malaman ng mga tao na may mabuting balita parin at maging inspirasyon sa iba. Parehong may point diba? Pero kagaya sa lahat ng debate, kailangan may compromise. 

Sa bandang huli, It's just a matter of balancing it out. Like anything else. I guess it's okay to tell people of your charity as long as you don't use it for your own interest. Yung tipong ipagyayabang mo lang. Kasi para saan? Nakakalungkot naman yung buhay mo kung dun ka nahanap ng validation. Wag ganun. Hindi naikot ang mundo sayo. Tsaka, haha, wala talagang may pakialam, wag kang umasa.

So yeah, Why exactly do I it though? Why do I have to do "charitable" things to other people? I really don't know how or when it started. I just remember how it feels like to do good deeds to people who are in need. The feeling every time they say thank you, and the joy you feel every time you see their faces light up when you give them more than they expect.

It's just a great feeling. I think that's it. And maybe, I wouldn't really do it, if I'm not capable of doing so. Yung walang kamatayang, "You can't give what you don't have." 

I don't have much, really. My savings are just enough for my own personal needs. Effort is also something that everyone should consider. Do it once. Just try to buy a P50 meal and look for a street kid to give it to. I hate sounding sooo preachy believe me. I hate people who are preachy as fuck. But just, maybe try it once. If you didn't like it at all, if you felt regret more than joy, maybe it's not for you. And it's absolutely okay. You don't have to force yourself in doing good deeds outside of your own interest.

You might have so many problems on your own to care about other people's shits. And again, it's understandable. You really have to help yourself first and everyone you care about, before you feel the need to extend your kindness to others. Preachy na ba? Shit putangina.

I have no idea if this is really "my purpose" in the long run. I don't even do it now since I got here in Canada. I mean most of the people here are probably richer than me. Sila tumulong sakin mga walangya.

Pero ewan ko ba. Besides having a stable job, having to start a family, and having life security in the future, why the fuck am I here? What exactly am I living for? Right? Have you ever asked that question to yourself and really, I mean really think of an answer. What the fuck right? 

Legacy. Establishing a legacy is probably the ultimate goal of every individual. I mean it should be. How will you be remembered by the people you leave behind. It's just something you had to do in your lifetime. You have to, or else... just... well you're fucked.

Parang sayang lahat ng pinaghirapan mo kung ganun ganun nalang. Yung pagkamatay mo, yun na. Hanggang dun nalang. Although hindi mo naman na mararamdaman yung saya na dulot nang pagpupugay sayo, pero ewan ko, diba? parang ang sayang isipin na may naimpluwensyan ka, kahit isa, bago ka mamatay.

Pangit naman yung pag binuburol ka, magpapasalamat pa yung mga tao na patay ka na. Yung tipong ang usapan sa burol mo, "Ay ba't ngayon lang?" "Akala ko matagal na siyang patay?" "Patay na siya? Ano na nga bang ulam natin mamaya?" "Tangina hindi pa bayad utang nyan sakin. Hayop"

I'm looking forward to doing something greater than me in the future. I'm excited, but scared as fuck to know whether or not I can fulfill my promise to that test paper. I just have to prove to myself and to all the faculty members that I earned that 100% grade. Kundi sayang lang yung tinta ng red ballpen nila.
My Gel pa naman.