"Makauwe Lang Talaga Lord, Makauwe lang talaga"

It's been a while since I've written something on this blog. Maybe it's because I don't really have something to write. And that usually means I have nothing to complain about. Which is actually a good thing. Ironically, the last post that I've written was about not giving a fuck. So I guess not putting too much care on just about everything is essential to one's contentment. 

Although I'm not gonna pretend like everything's actually satisfactory. Of course money is still an issue but it has always been an issue. Sky's blue that sort of thing.

There's one thing that I need to work on though. My health. 

The other day I had to go to a sleep doctor to assess my sleeping situation. Because apparently my snoring, according to the people who can't help but watch me in my sleep, is quite annoying. So yeah, One day I just said fuck it, let's waste an hour driving to the clinic and receive verbal abuse from a doctor preaching how abnormal my life choices are, on how my diet is a little bit off the grid, and that I shouldn't be smoking or drinking pfft. Like he knows something about health stuff huh.. I snore! Big fucking deal. 

But kidding aside, I've never felt so naked and vulnerable while hearing those "truths" from the doctor. Funny thing is that I know about these things anyway. In fact everybody does! We just happen to shrug it off and choose to ignore it every single time it gets brought up. But I can no longer run from it. It's more like, either take care of this now or die from a heart attack at 30, which is fucking 3 years from now!

In fucking 3 years I'll be 30! THIRTY!! Fuuuucckkk!! Thinking about it already stresses me out. Aside from my Sleep Apnea, I think what's really stressing me out is that I wanted to do so many things in my life but there's always this thought that I might not have the luxury of time. Which is fucked up and a little over too dramatic. Because, fuck, 30 is still really, very young. 

It's just, why... why do I have to care about this soo fucking much. Am I trying to compensate for something that I never had when I was younger? I really don't know. But life shouldn't be this complicated. I guess I'm just afraid of living a very dull life. I'm scared of living in the mundane where everything is black and white. Funny thing is that I'm pretty sure this doesn't make me unique. I know some people who go the extra mile to fulfill a very exhilirating and meaningful life just to feel temporary satisfaction, and moves on to the next train and moves on and on and on. Not stopping. Desiring to squeeze every little surprise life has to offer. You see, I want that. I don't mean following "Into the wild" where I'd burn my money and live in a deserted mountain or go full on eat pray love to satisfy my inner peace. I just want my life to count.

I see people everyday who just, i dunno, I feel like they could be something else. I feel like they haven't reached their full potential and I feel bad about that. Well not really coz I don't really give a fuck. But I care in a way that I wonder if they have a plan for themselves, or whether they care about the future. Do they actually want their own house, or do they even want to establish a career, or a business maybe. Do they care about finding that sweet spot where they can actually say that life is worth living.  Or is it just me? 

Hahaha baka ako lang talaga. Tangina baka naman nasobrahan lang ako sa imagination.

Pangatlong kape ko na kasi to. 12 am narin ng madaling araw. Pero gusto ko lang siguro balikan tong araw na to kaya ako nakapag sulat. 27. Ang bilis ng panahon badtrip. 27 na June na ang nakalipas mula ng ipinanganak ako. 

At habang tumatakbo yung oras, sumasagi na rin sa isip ko na umiiksi narin pala ang buhay ko. Hindi naman talaga, kasi 27 palang naman ako, pero kumbaga, topic na siya e. Parte na siya ng conversation. Kumbaga nung mga 18 ako ni hindi ko kahit kelan inalala tong kamatayan.

O siguro dumadagdag narin yung minsan pag magbubukas ka ng Facebook, makikita mo yung mga post na "Sana masaya ka na jan brad", "Bakit iniwan mo agad kami", "Parekoy mamimis ka namin dito". Yung mapapaisip ka nalang na, kaedad ko lang yun a, namatay na pala.


Mapapa shit ka nalang talaga. Walang biro parang laging yun reaksyon ko pag nakakabasa ako ng ganong post. Nagpapasalamat nalang ako na wala pa naman sa mga kaibigan o kamaganak ko yung nauna na. Nababasa ko lang yung mga post ng tropa ng tropa. Pero ano kaya pakiramdam nun. Dati kainuman mo lang. Kabiruan mo lang nung isang araw. Kaalitan. Kashare mo lang ng mic sa videoke. Tapos mababalitaan mo nalng inatake na pala. O napagtripan isang gabi.

Pero yung masakit talaga e yung realization na pwedeng ikaw yun e. Kaedad mo lang yun e. Pwedeng isang araw hindi ka na gumising kasi nasobrahan ka ng tagay na sinabayan mo pa ng tatlong balut. Yung masakit na alam mong nagawa nyo din yung magtotropa. Yung naalala mo na may isang outing na sobrang lasing kayong lahat tapos kelangan nyong umuwe ng maaga kasi wala na kayong pangextend sa resort. Tapos kelangan nyong magdrive at bumyahe kahit lasing na lasing pa kayo. Isang segundo lang. Isang segundo lang ng pagpapabaya, ilang buhay na yung mawawala. Tandang tanda ko yun. Pero tangina, andami palang pangyayari na nilagay ko yung buhay ko sa alanganin. Tipong bakit ngayon ko lang naiisip to. Pero kung sabagay, alam naman NATIN to e. Sa tuwing naglalasing ako ng sobra sa Maynila at kelangang umuwe sa Cavite, lagi akong nagdadasal habang pigil na pigil sa pagsuka sa bus na "sana makauwe lang talaga". Habang nakasakay ako sa tricycle papuntang subdivision ng mga 3 am, habang naglalaro sa isip ko na baka holdapin ako ni manong at itapon nalng yung katawan ko sa mga talahiban ng Gen tri, lagi kong dasal "Lord sana makauwe lang talaga". Sabay idlip sa tric. 

Siguro dahil narin sa sobrang kalasingan kaya hindi ko na iniinda to nung "kabataan" ko. O baka dahil narin pakiramdam ko sa kaloob-looban ko na, BATA ako e. Kelangan kong maranasan to at kailangnan ko MAGENJOY! Magpakasaya. Minsan lang to e. 

Ayun na nga. Totoo nga. Minsan nga lang yun. Hahaha. Tangina ano na ngyayari sakin. Bakit para na kong magulang kung magisip, Parang ayoko na ng ganon. Parang ayoko ng maginum ng sobra na tipong literal na wala ng bukas. Parang ayoko ng irisk inumin yung huling bote ng Mucho para lang masabi ko na kaya ko pa at strong ako e. Parang sige. Okay nako. May tama na e. 

Naisip ko lang din, baka naman kasi nakita ko na yung potensyal ng buhay ko. Kasi sa sobrang dami ng responsibilidad ko ngayon, parang wala narin akong panahon para ipigpilitan ko pa na "Strong ako e".
Nakita ko narin na may posibilidad pala yung mga pangarap lang dati. Kumbaga nung "kabataan" ko, pangarap ko na talagang mag ka farm, o mag ka resort, magkabahay magkakotse... pangarap palang. Pero kasi ngayon. Ngayong 27 na ko. Unti unti ko ng natutupad e. Kumbaga binabayaran ko na ng literal yung bahay na hinahangad ko lang dati. Buwan buwang kinakaltasan yung bank account ko ng pang-insurance sa kotse ko. 

Parang kung pagpipilitan kong bumalik sa mga dati kong gawain... sa dati kong ugali, baka hindi ko na makita yung unang bunga ng magga sa farm ko.

Let's make things absolutely clear though. I will still go apeshit when it comes to drinking. I won't go full on "Hindi na ko nagiinom e, pass muna". Tangina hainan mo ko ng Redhorse tutunggain ko parin yan... pero siguro wala ng sisig. Sipul sipul nalang o kaya singkamas, carrots o kamias nalang. Kumbaga... in moderation. Naks! Tangina naman.

Pero kung dati ang depinisyon ko ng YOLO ay sagarin mo na habang bata ka kasi minsan lang yan, baka ngayon, dahan dahan lang kasi minsan ka lang mabubuhay, wag mong madaliin.

Hindi ko talaga makalimutan yung facebook nung namatay na tropa ng tropa ko. Habang binabasa ko yung mga post ng mga kaibigan niya, parang ang hirap. Kasi pano kaya yun no? Hindi ko maimagine kung sa kaibigan ko mangyayari yun. Wag naman sana. Pero habang binabasa ko yung mga post sakanya, biglang sumasagi yung mga mukha ng mga tropa ko sa isip ko. Tipong sakit sa dibdib. Kasi kaedaran lang namin yun. Bakit ka kaagad kinuha.


While browsing through his facebook wall, I began thinking of how it would look like if I was the one on his end. What will my friends say about me. Will they really care? I fucking hope so. Hahaha but fuck. I started thinking of giving my best friends my facebook password so they can moderate what's posted. But yeah. I guess it's a little grim and a little scary. But I guess we need to talk about this. We need to talk about death. Not because we want to attract it, but because somehow we need to prepare ourselves for this universal truth. I understand people's fear of death, but what we shouldn't be scared of is talking about it.

I fucking hope nothing bad will happen to me after writing this post. This is not a fucking premonition! This is not some sort of a farewell letter. Holy fuck now I'm a little bit scared about people thinking I'd commit suicide or shit. I still need my rest house in Baler. 

Truthfully, I wanted to write this down because I wanted myself, and everyone around me to take care of themselves. The kind where we actually go visit a doctor when we feel strange. Or when we take our vices in moderation, or quit them if need be. To stay out of trouble, to make sure we get to go home safe and sane. I really hate myself when I become preachy. It feels like when you spread the good word, people automatically shuns you and go the other way. Human nature. God knows I hate preaching and how I act like I'm a role model and the beacon of light for people in distraught. But please allow me to become this just this one time. Because I really don't know how to begin a farewell post to someone really close to me.

Sana kung asa labas ka ngayon, at pakiramdam mo isang bote nalang ang namamagitan sa minsanang kaligayahan at kamatayan, Pass mo nalng muna. Bukas naman. Wag tayong magunahan. Chill lang.

Ang Pagiyak ng Kapatid ni Dimples Romana

I was in the shower contemplating about my life choices and how it changed my whole perspective in life. I could probably be done taking a shower in 10 minutes but it always takes me about half an hour tops to finish, because I spend the rest of the time thinking about LIFE itself. It is a good feeling. I should probably use that time to actually scrub anything from the thighs down but nobody really cares about anything under your crotch area.



One time, I thought of an instance when a hotel guest got mad at me for something incredibly irrational. Long story short, He was wrong and I was right, I didn't argue. I stayed silent and did my best to get it over with. I just stopped giving a fuck.

 There was an argument that needs to be said and done right at the moment. But fuck, that moment, it's probably because I was already exhausted and I'm about to be off in 15 minutes anyway, but that moment, I realized I was done with THAT phase. 

I just didn't give a fuck anymore.

So while I was marinating my hair with CLEAR anti dandruff shampoo, I begin to think of the reasons, and past instances that lead me to my new way of handling people's shits.

I am pretty sympathetic. I understand how to adapt to people's emotion. I can naturally adjust to the ambiance of the surrounding. I often know what to say and when to say stuff to make a person feel what he or she needs to feel at the time. I always make sure that I put myself in the situation first before I fire up a reaction or a sentiment. I am always very careful about the gestures, the eye-movements, and the words that is being said in a conversation.

Or at least I was. Well fuck I still am this person, I still try my best to sympathize and shit... but I can very much feel the difference between my old self and the new one.

Alam ko naman kung bakit. Napagod narin kasi siguro ako magkaroon ng pakialam. Hindi naman siya phase e. Kasi madami din akong kilala na sobrang maraming pakialam sa buhay ng may buhay hanggang ngayon. Yung masyadong concerned. Wala naman masama siguro sa pag-aalala sa kapwa, pero siguro nga lahat ng sobra nakakasama. Kakapagod kasi. Kakaumay.

Hindi ko talaga makakalimutan yung contestant sa PBB teen edition. Pinatawag yung kapatid ata ni Dimples Romana sa confession room. Tapos iyak siya ng iyak dahil yung mga housemates niya nagaaway away daw. Tapos sabi niya kay koya na, "Wala kasi akong magawa para mapasaya sila e" Yung tipong pakiramdam niya obligasyon niyang paligayahin yung mga kasama niya sa bahay, yung tipong inako niya yung responsibilidad na maging masaya lahat ng tao. Hindi ko na matandaan kung anong year yun, pero alam ko bata parin ako nun, pero katakot takot na mura na yung nabuo sa isip ko nung mga panahong yun.

Kasi, putangina ka, ano bang problema mo? hahahaha yung galit ko talaga hindi masukat. Kasi yamot na yamot ako habang umiiyak siya na putangina talaga, sino ka ba sa tingin mo? Magaapply ka bang bagong santo? Downline ka ba ni San Pedro para umarteng may pakialam ka sa mga taong isang buwan mo lang naman makakasama?

Pero lipas na yun. Nanalo na si Kim Chiu. Nakarekober na ko't sana nakarekober narin siya. Sana phase lang talaga yun. Sana maramdaman niya na hindi niya pasan ang mundo para magiiyak siya ng ganon. Sana dala lang yun ng kakitidan ng utak epekto ng murang kaisipan.

Meron pang isang tropa, tropa naman, pero sablay lang nung mga panahong yun. Sarap sarap ng inuman, masaya lahat. Turn ko na sa videoke, tapos salubong pa yung shot. Biglang may nagaway sa may labas. Gusto ba naman makisali kasi treasurer ata ng home owner's association ng subdivision nila ung naagrabyado.

Pambihira yung yamot ko. Tipong, seryoso ka ba? May away din sa Olongapo, sa Marawi, sa Sudan, sali ka din? 

Pagkatapos ko magbanlaw, parang may bumatok sakin na napamulat ako ng bahagya. Para dramatic. Tipong narealize ko, baka ako naman talaga yung mali. Baka ako yung may diperensya. Baka normal naman sa tao na magkaroon ka ng pakialam.

Don't get me wrong. I could be very involved. Especially around friends. There was a point in my life where I took the role of the "shoulder to cry on", the secret keeper, the friends with benefits, yung alalay ni panday, yung tagapagtanggol ng naaapi, yung taga sagot sa magulang nang may magulang, yung tinatawagan ng magulang pag ginagabi na yung anak niya, yung taga hatid sundo, yung taga libre, yung kaladkarin, yung bida-man, yung kapatid ni Dimples Romana.


Pero yun na nga. Bat di ko na siya maramdaman? Gusto ko isisi sa pagiging busy, o sa dami ng mga isipin, o sa pagmahal ng mga bilihin, pero minsan kasi parang kahit sa pamilya, nawalan narin ako ng BOOM! Yung urgency ba. Yung tipong sa isang pitik lang ramdam mo na yung "pake". Bakit ngayon parang pag may mabigat na problema, parang may ilang segundo pa ko para isipin kung ano yung dapat ko maramdaman, at dapat kong ipakitang emosyon. Parang scripted. Parang hindi totoo.


Ako lang ba to? Malamang hindi. Dami namang taong walang pakialam e. Yung tipong makasarile. Walang iniisip kung hindi yung sarili nila. Yung may pakialam lang pag may kailangan sila. Kapag beneficial lang sakanila tumutulong. Anjan lang pag may kailangan. User-friendly.

Hays. Wala lang. Gulat lang si ako. Grabe yung transition.
Nakakatakot lang, parang wala na kong nararamdaman. Laging logic yung mas matimbang. Laging may rason. Parang calculated pa yung amount ng emosyon na dapat kong ipakita. Patay? saklap. Hiwalay na sila? Ayt. Galit si ano? ok. May cancer siya? sad face.

The irony of it all is that I care so much about my not caring, to write about it. So does that mean I actually care? Who fucking knows. Who the fuck cares! But then again, I do remember praying about this when I was younger and a lot dumber. I remember praying to God to make me NOT care about people so much, to NOT feel shit. I still remember that night. Fuck I was sooo young. I was too young to pray for these kinds of things. But I do remember why I prayed for it in the first place. I was too tired of minding people's business and not getting anything in return. I guess God did answer my prayers. It took him 15 years to do so, but it worked.

I'm far from being apathetic, and I have no plans of being one.
Maybe it is a phase. Maybe it's just a matter of choosing between what's important, and what's REALLY important. Choosing what to involve yourself with and choosing to distance your self from any unnecessary drama.

Hindi naman siguro sa wala na kong pakialam, siguro nagkataon lang na naramdaman ko lang na ako naman. Ako muna. 

If in any case you feel the same, If there's a time where you just had to stop lathering rinsing and repeating that CLEAR anti dandruff shampoo on your head, and think about how much you give and how less you receive, just know that you can be selfish. You can put yourself first above others at some point and not feel guilty about it. Guards up, eyes forward, and just fuck it!

Ligayang Nakakatirik ng Mata at Nakakapulikat ng Paa

"I always think of love as a choice, it may sound really weird, but it is for me, it's a constant choice to make, to let someone in, 'coz not everybody gets "the sparks.."



You know how conversations go after midnight with that one person you're really close with? Yeah, this is one those times when you both go into that part of your deepest, emotional consciousness. 

She blurted it out like she really meant it. I believe in this too by the way, I do think loving someone COULD be a choice... that it can be learned over time. It was just a little different when you hear it at 1 am and all you hear is that phrase alone. 

We had this conversation on September 29, 2017. I knew I was gonna write something about this eventually. I was hoping I could finish it by Valentine's day, or at least on a February, but I was just way too busy with real stuff for the past year, So I had to save  a template titled "Sparks vs Practicality" just to remind me about it.

Alam ko namang matagal ng debate to at laos narin tong topic na to. Pero kasi habang tumatagal, habang dumadagdag yung mga nalalaman mo sa kamunduhan, nagbabago din yung pananaw mo sa usapang to.

Before I go into the whole thing. I just want to clarify what is what in our perspective, and what's the actual back story on why we had to talk about this.

I think it started when we both realized that most of the people we know are already in a relationship, or married or living together. We realized that we're not getting any younger and that society dictates we should be doing the same too. It was so freaking funny and sad at the same time. I believe her defense was not finding the right person yet, and mine was not being ready. 

Throughout our conversation, we grew bitter. Naturally we had to consider evaluating all our friends' relationships. Perhaps we wanted to talk shit, nitpick or merely dissect every little detail to prove that they did the wrong thing marrying early or being in a relationship at a young age, or perhaps we just have to feel like we're still doing the right thing, and that we are still on the right path. That we are doing what is supposed to be done during our age, during this time. We were bitter as fuck.

 "Kung ikaw ang nasa kalagayan ni ano, sa tingin mo ba yun ang buhay na gusto mo?", sabi ko, "Kung kasal ka na nga ngayon, masaya ka ba?" sabi nya. "Kung may anak ka na, kaya mo bang suportahan sa kalagayan mo ngayon?" sabi ko. "Kung makikitira ka ba sa pamilya nya, matitiis mo ba? sabi nya.

Umabot na nga ng madaling araw yung ganong usapan. Pero hindi parin maiaalis na may parte saming pareho na malungkot... at kung totohanan lang... ingit.


"Kasi bakit ganon, kahit ganon yung sitwasyon, bakit parang masayang masaya silang lahat. Parang wala silang problema lahat." Sabi ko. Bakit parang pag nakikita ko yung mga FB posts nila parang wala silang pagdududa na tama lahat ng naging desisyon nila."

Sabi niya "Kasi hindi naman nila ilalagay sa FB yung mga oras na malungkot sila diba, o nagaaway, o kung may problema sila sa pera o wala" Sumang ayon naman ako. Sumangayon naman din siya.

Eto yung mga panahong parehas kaming tigang na tigang. Natatandaan ko eto yung mga oras na tinamaan ako ng lintik na homesickness. Yung taena talaga walang wala. Yung tipong kahit may mga kaibigan ka dito pakiramdam mo nagiisa ka talaga. Ewan ko ba. Basta nagulat nalang din ako na nung nag viber siya, parehas pala kaming asa ganong stado, yung estado na parang nagiisa ka kahit hindi naman. 

Sabi ko rin sakanya. Maswerte ka nga e, asa Pinas ka. Lumabas ka lang jan, mag bar, makakahanap ka kaagad ng 
ligaya. Yung ligayang nakakatirik ng mata at nakakapulikat ng paa. Kahit hindi relasyon agad. Yung fling, hook up lang.

Ayaw nya daw ng ganoon, haha siguro dahil sympre babae parin siya, at kahit papaano, importante parin and dignidad.
Binalik niya naman sakin yung tanong, sabi ko, Parang ayoko ata dito. Parang ang hirap kasi dito. Pano ka maghahanap, lalo pa't di ko alam kung san ko isisiksik yung social life ko sa dalawang trabaho. Ni-wala nga kong off.

Kaya siguro sabik na sabik lagi akong umuwe every year. Kasi sa Pinas lang ako nakakahanap ng ligayang nakakatirik ng mata at nakakapulikat ng paa.

Sabi niya, wag daw kasi libog lang ang hanapin ko, hanapin ko din daw yung pangmatagalan. 

Boom! Ayun na. Dito na nagsimula yung actual topic kung kelangan ba talaga may SPARKS? o yung connection, attraction, yung tipong intimacy, yung inspiration. Sparks lang yung ginamit naming term para masarap pakinggan. O kelangan bang maging practical na sa panahon ngayon? yung tipong "Okay na yan, lamang tyan din yan, o kaya, kelangan mo lang naman talaga yung kahati sa groceries e. tipong anak lang naman ang habol niyo sa isat isa sa bandang huli.


Honestly, I have no idea which one I believe in anymore. I used to think it should be easy you know. Like loving someone should be natural, a no-brainer. You like each other and you'd make it against all odds. Love is the answer and love is all there is. But that's not how it works in real life, does it? It's more complicated than that apparently. You literally wanna smash someone's head who still believes in this. I personally just stay away from this kinds of people or topic just because I got so realistic, to the point where I just don't think romance is necessary anymore. 

Everyone ends up breaking up anyway, or at least grow to hate each other late on. There are those who just stays in a marriage only for the kids, or probably just because, there's no life after that anymore. Done. You feel done.

So yeah.. do you actually need to feel the sparks to be in a relationship? The real relationship. The adult kind. Currently, if you ask me NOW... right the fuck now. I don't really think so. Some parts of it yes, I still think you have got to be attracted to the person at least. I mean attraction for me is the first thing. Yung kaya mo dapat laplapin yung bibig niya ng hindi nandidiri. Tipong willing kang supsupin yung dila niya ng walang pangaalinlangan. Then, after that, you can learn to love that person. You get to spend time with the person and learn to stay casual, or happy if you're lucky. Eventually you learn to not live without the bond. You get used to being together and the thought of losing that person makes you anxious. That is love. right? I mean it's like Stockholm syndrome, with lesser bondage and chloroform.

Don't get me wrong. Given a chance, of course the traditional way is still the best. If you meet someone who you actually, in the whole sense of the word, love... then good for you! Life is good. No hassle, no inhibitions. Just plain romance. 

All I'm saying, the emotional, gooey, rainbows and butterflies part of Love is overrated. I still think faith, understanding, practicality, loyalty, companionship, genuine concern... these are what matters. Passion isn't as important as trust. Humor I believe is even more powerful than passion. 

Love is good. But it isn't everything. Love is Bigas, Tubig, Meralco, De Lata at chichirya.

I know. I guess that's why I'm single. What do I know about this shit huh. Fcuk. I know. I don't even know if you believe me when I say that I'm actually very happy now. I guess it has something to do with my finding out about Tinder and actually experiencing life outside home and work, and that I don't have to wait for another year to experience yung ligayang nakakatirik ng mata at nakakapulikat ng paa.

Or maybe because I was right the first time. I simply just don't have time for a relationship yet. I seriously don't know where to put it in my schedule. and I don't really feel like I need one yet. Sperm don't expire right? fuck, does it? Well... regardless, Love maybe this and that... but it can't be forced.

Having said all these... All debates end in a conclusion. A compromise. I guess finding someone is never black and white. It can be both, or it can meet at some point. At the end of the day, you can still be practical and choose, then feel the sparks... but just like any other sparks, they fade.

It's just more fun to be rich and to be loved at the same time, what's wrong with that?

Tira. Game. Sigi Sigi Lang.

We learn new stuff about ourselves every single day. Few months ago I realized that I measure my happiness by how well I sleep at night. 

I can count the number of times in my hand where I felt like I really needed a higher being to help me with a problem. There's really not a lot of things that bothers me at night because I always find a way out in any ordeal I'm facing. I am certain that I'd get through it at the end of the day... well.. probably the next morning. 

So when I get struck by a problem that is incredibly difficult, I know for sure that I won't be getting some sleep for a few days. 

These past few months, I discovered that life could get more exciting. I found out that there are things that are just within your reach. It's thrilling. It's so inviting... it's addictive.

Don't get me wrong, I have done some shit that I am never really proud of even before. But this time, it just got exponentially worse. To the point where I never really thought about consequences. To a point where I am not sure what's going on, like the feeling where you just don't care where this is heading anymore. I just didn't give a fuck. 

If you truly know me, you know that I try things. I wanna make sure my time in this world counts. I wanted to feel stuff. Some real shit. I'm not  a daredevil or some kind of a pretentious prick who brags about achievements, Again, I guess I just wanted my time in this world to mean something. I didn't want to regret missed opportunities when I'm 80 and dying.

So I dared to live. 

Meron mga bagay na proud na proud ka na nagawa mo e, pero parang di ka parin kumporatableng ipagyabang kasi sa totoo lang, hindi naman talaga siya dapat i-pag yabang.

Nung mga nakaraang buwan, mga bago mag pasko. Tuloy tuloy ang pasok ng biyaya. Sa puntong hindi mo na alam kung ano ang pipiliin mo. 

Ferrero, Kitkat, Butterfinger, Oh! Henry, Reese's, pati na Chocnut... wala akong inatrasan.  Lahat sinubukan ko. Lahat na ata nang dumating na biyaya sinunggaban ko. Kahit na hindi ko talaga gusto, Pinatos ko pa din. Kahit na labag na sa kalooban ko, hinayaan ko parin yung sarili ko malasan yung sarap.

Ang sarap sarap naman kasi talaga. Hindi ko maintindihan. Siguro dahil narin sa tagal ng panahong hindi ako naka tikim ng tsokolate. Kasi sa Pinas, me mga tsokolate naman siguro, pero hindi yung tipong 1 to sawa. Yung tipong pag kumain ka, alam mong mabibitin ka.

Hindi kagaya dito... Isang labas mo lang sa pinto, anjan na siya. Langit. Lamig din kasi siguro.. kaya parang ang sarap sarap ng tsokolate. 

One time, di ko na makilala yung sarili ko. HAHA seryoso nga. Natatawa nalang ako isang bes kasi parang, sa loob ng isip ko... "Ano bang problema ko? Normal pa ba to?" Dumadaan ang araw na hindi mawala sa isip ko yung lasa ng hazelnut sa Ferrero. O yung mga almonds sa loob nung Kirkland milk choco. Adik na adik na nga ako.

Meron pang isang bes na habang kumakain ako ng Oh! Henry, iniisip ko na agad buksan yung Crunchie kasi di ako satisfied. 

"Ganto pala yun". Sabi ko nalang sa sarili ko. Nakakainis neto, habang nageenjoy ako sa chocolates, naririnig ko yung sarili ko sa utak ko e. "Ayoko na, last na talaga to." minsan, "Masama na to sakin, hindi na maganda to" Sabay bukas ng Kisses.

Ang arte arte na ng pakiramdam, ang arte arte ko na pakinggan. Yung iba nga, normal lang sa kanila to. Malamang sa malamang, pinagmamalaki pa nila to. Normal naman talaga to e. Wala naman talagang problema sa pinaggagawa ko. Siguro.

Wala naman talaga hanggang meron na.

Dumating na sa puntong manhid na ko. Tipong wala ng excitement. Inaraw araw na. Basta makatikim lang. Sapat na. 

Last month I felt different. I felt like something was off. I felt like I have a fever or something. I started to feel some pain every time I talk or swallow. My eyes were tired. Felt like my body's trying its best to give in to gravity. I was soooo tired. Waking up was so fucking hard I started to become late for work for a couple of days. And eventually... I had to give up and listen to what my body dictates. I had to rest and take a few days off.. on both jobs!

I hated being sick. I felt useless. Although the sensation of just lying in bed for a whole day is close to paradise, I still can't  shake the idea that I spent the day just doing nothing. 

It didn't cross my mind that my sickness is due to my incessant need for sweets. or I guess I just didn't wanna open that door. I don't wanna blame the chocolates. Fuck that. I didn't wanna blame my inability to control myself. I didn't wanna go there. I can't accept the fact that I made a decision that may cause me a shit ton of problems in the future.

It's not even about about taking responsibility. It's now about the shame and everything that goes with it. It's about the people around me that placed me in this false pedestal. It's only a matter of time before I had to admit my mistakes. Matter of time before I face the consequence. 

Suddenly I had to change some things. I cut ties with my need to devour those heavenly creatures. I had to make a drastic decision. There were no time for doubts or any idealistic notion that everything will be fine in the end. No. I had to stop. I had to stop before everything I worked for starts to fall apart. There were so many things that I just can't risk losing. And for what??? For a quick fix? For a fucking Chocolate bar? No. My life is enough. My future is enough.

I started to quit. 

Before work, I had to drive by the doctor's office. I spoke with a nurse there about my situation. She was a huge help. She talked to me about some shits that I already know. But coming from her, it made me realize how incredibly, mind-numbingly stupid I was. She also mentioned something about the part of a guy's brain, where decisions and consequences are formulated, and how it only develops at the age of 29 - 35. And I'm only 26!HAHAH it doesn't mean I get a pass on my stupid decisions, but it made me feel like a child. And that's what I needed to hear during that time.

Anyway, I had some tests done. It was torture. It was torture knowing that in 3 days I get to know if I have Diabetes or not. 3 days of waiting. 3 sleepless nights. 3 days of paranoia and what ifs'.

These 3 days made me weak as fuck. The kind where I almost lose the will to smile, and to enjoy life.What got me through the whole thing is sharing this with a very few people I truly truly trust and people I know who will know what to say. My support system I guess. Funny thing is I wanted to tell them about it, but I didn't wanna talk about it because I didn't want to think about it. 

Fuck. It did help. Life is so much better if you have great people surrounding you. Great people who you can actually trust.

But... I'm still waiting. I'm still wondering if addiction can be cured. Because fucking honestly, all I think about now while writing this is going up to the kitchen to go get me my fix of pure indulgence.

I don't know anymore. I keep telling myself that I'm above average, That I can control my self. That I have discipline. But I guess that's what these things do to you... It makes you forget your inhibitions. It makes you succumb to your earthly desires.

But fuck that. Fuck recklessness. Fuck self-indulgence. Fuck your demons and fuck your sweet false promises. I choose life. I choose the long run. I choose delayed gratification. I choose the salty and the bitter. You should too.