"Dasal Lang, Dasal Lang Talaga" - Alma Moreno

Tomorrow is Sunday, and my family and I are planning to attend mass early in the morning. I should be sleeping by now but I decided to tackle one the most discussed and probably the most controversial topic of all time in my blog... nope, it has nothing to do with the Kardashians, religion.

I used to be religious. I had this novena booklet under my bed when I was young, and I used to read a couple of passages from it before I sleep every night. I was also very fond of reading bible stories and was really enjoying them very well. In high school, I was also very interested in the Christian Living subject. I was very intrigued by the whole thing. I wanted to learn the terms, the philosophy, the moral aspects, the dilemmas, the contradictions... everything to the point where I was asked by the principal to join this Christian brotherhood in school, but see, I was already contented with just understanding the Faith.

I don't think I'm worthy of the position, or maybe I can honestly not live up to its demands. Of course one may argue that it always starts with not believing or with the feeling of unworthiness. Some would use a story of a shady taxpayer who eventually became a follower, or a former prostitute who later decided to become faithful. But that's not the deal, I am a believer ever since. I choose to believe for so many reasons. 

Yes, I chose to believe. I find it ironic that I have to choose to have faith, like I am forcing myself to believe in something that could not actually exist. You may twist my words any way you want to, it's okay, 'coz truth be told, I also consider the idea that the whole thing might be just a some sort of propaganda, a story, or a tool used by colonizers in the past. But I never forced myself to believe in any religion. It was a personal decision supported by the many times faith made me feel secured, satisfied, and absolved.

I love Catholicism. I enjoy being part of the community. I feel like, it suits me the best considering the lifestyle I chose, since there's not much rules to be concerned about. Ang hirap talaga pag religion, pambihira bago ako mag type ng word, salang sala! What I'm trying to say is, of course Catholicism has TONS of "guidelines", last time I checked there were 10, but I'm pretty sure people decided to play God and decided to add a couple of things. However, these commandments doesn't exactly shackle one from doing otherwise. It does create a type of foundation, or a certain standard on how a Christian should live, but I feel like it ends there. A mere guideline. A very general guideline. 

I guess what I'm pointing out is, as a Christian Catholic, I feel more free than a/an *insert religion*. I don't necessarily have to do stuff all the time. There's not a lot of specific requirements to be followed. I felt like freewill is some sort of a game changer in the religious world, and I am so about that life. 

I sound like a complete asshole I understand. But believe you me, It is NOT the main, and ONLY reason why I wanted to be a Catholic. It is an incredible incentive, for sure, but I just appreciate the idea that my God is a forgiving God. That he is a merciful God. Because he knows how sinful I have become. I have disappointed Him in so many ways, and I'm quite certain you're not exactly mother Theresa as well. So I am very grateful, so

grateful, that I have a personal relationship with Him. I don't go to Church religiously, or follow religious practices quite often, and it pains me to admit that I haven't prayed in a very long time. I didn't realize that typing about is harder than I thought.  It's getting harder and harder to breathe, suddenly I feel disgusted about myself, I feel like my heart is beating quite fast, like I'm guilty of a terrible crime. I hate that I can't find it in myself to come back to Him any time soon. I just feel like I'm in too deep with my demons.

Funny thing is, I remember back then, when my innocence was still intact, I use to pray to Him every time I'm in a situation I can't seem to get out of. Like every time I feel like giving up, He was the only one that could make me feel better. Like a kid's security blanket. Praying simply ends all my nightmares. He was always there. I'm sure there's a psychological explanation why I feel comforted after speaking with Him, like it helps when you formulate your problems in your brain and consciously talk things through, but I don't care about that, what's important for me is that I got through the night. And whether or not Science has something to do with it, I don't really care. Because I chose Faith.

All things said, I do enjoy the occasional ridicule from non-believers. I find it funny. It amuses me as long as it's witty and smart. I don't really put too much interest in cliched jabs or the trite insults merely because it's boring. Not worth the time. It just has to be funny, and somewhat objective. Something that could make you go, "Oh yeah, the Bible might be wrong about that, oh well". 

Bottom line is, I miss being religious. I miss not eating meat during Lenten season. I miss getting excited going to mass to hear the homily. I miss wanting to fall in line for the ostia, I miss the long talks with God. Somehow I wish I can still believe in the Faith unconditionally. 

Pero alam ko sa sarili ko na mahal ko parin ang Diyos ko. Utang na loob ko din yun sa lahat ng pagkakataong pinatulog niya kong malinis ang konsensya. He is the best God in my opinion. I will come back to Him eventually. I just hope He's still there when that time comes. Because I never did feel like I abandoned Him completely. He is still the conscience I feel whenever I'm going astray. He is still someone I think of when the load gets a little too hard to bear. 

So ayun, magsisimba kami bukas. ACTS. Adoration, Contrition, Thanksgiving, at Supplementation. Sabi ko sanyo kinabisa ko lahat ng terms e. Sana magkaroon ako ng lakas ng loob sundin ang mga 'to sa dasal ko. Ang dami kong bagay na dapat ipagpasalamat. Ipagpasalamat na pinalaki ako ng mga magulang kong Kristiyano. Wala masyadong hassle. Hehe, hindi stressful. Masaya. Bagay na bagay sa pagiging Pinoy. 

Sa kasamaang palad, dahil sa structure at sa maling persepsyon ng ilan nating mga kababayan, nakukulong yung isip nila sa mga ideolohiyang napaglipasan na ng panahon. Mga bagay na hindi na "convenient" sa panahong ngayon. Lalo na yung mga mejo bobong tao, kadalasan yung mga mejo me edad na, yung mga mejo sumisipsip na kay San Pedro. Sana lang respeto parin yung manaig. Respeto at bukas na kaisipan. 

Because if we're really gonna think about it, Religion was indeed an effective tool in our getting colonized by the Spaniards. And we all know how it turned out for us. But we still decided to believe in God. Even if the ones who brought the religion in the first place abused us in any way possible. I don't really understand how it happened, maybe because the clergymen back then were white and we just decided to fall under their spell again I dunno. Colonial mentality is a bitch in all eras.  

Pero diba? sa pagkakatanda ko, Wisdom was one of the 7 gifts of the Holy Spirit (shhiiet, tanda ko pa, sabi ko sanyo e ano ha) teka, Wisdom, Piety, Fortitude, Awe in the Lord, Understanding and Knowledge...bat 6 lang to.... aaah, na memental ako. Ayan bobo na ko. Nasan na ba ko, Ayun na nga. Sana mahanap natin sa sarili natin intindihin mabuti ang mga mensahe bago isabuhay, o bago ito ipamahagi. Kasi ika nga, bulaang propeta daw tayo, marahil totoo, marahil hindi, kung tutuusin wala naman talaga dapat tayong paki sa kung anong sektor ka ng Kristyanismo e. (O kung san kang relihiyon nabibilang)

Wala ng pilitan pls. Hindi naman to networking e. Basta magkaisa nalang tayo na para pumunta ka sa langit, kelangan mong tanggapin si Jesus Christ (o kung sino man ang Diyos mo) sa puso mo. Tingin ko yun naman ang importante talaga e, kasi sunod sunod na yun. Kung buo ang paniniwala mo sa kanya at alam mong pagaari ka niya, tuloy tuloy na yun. Tiwala lang. Maniwala ka lang.

Basta ako lab ko si Lord. At Roman Catholic ang ilalagay ko sa mga fini-fill-upan na forms. maikli lang, dali ispell. Hindi talaga hassle.

Buhay Burgis

Bigla ko lang naalala yung klasmeyt kong "cultured", yung tipong napalaking sheltered ng magulang at mahilig sa mga bagay na mapapa "huh? ano daw?" ka nalang. Naalala ko nung merong nakasulat na "bourgeois" sa blackboard, tapos kitang kita ko sa mukha nya, na inaantay nya ung titser na i-pronounce. Tapos ayun na nga, nung binasa ni maam, "bur-gis" nya binasa, tapos biglang tumawa ng pailalim yung kaklase ko! Sabi na e, me pagka-know-it-all talaga ung unggoy na yun. Bur-gis naman talaga ang Tagalog ng bourgeois, pero siyempre, mas masarap para kay klasmeyt na maliitin yung pag ka-jologs ni titser. Pandagdag ego nya din yun. Buti pa siya alam niya i-pronounce yung bourgeois ng tama, matalino siguro talga siya. 

So that leads me to my new rant post. I was just thinking about how fortunate I am to have grown in a bourgeois environment. Just to be clear, I always thought that the term refers to someone who belongs to the MIDDLE CLASS and not the UPPER CLASS. I'm still not sure about what it really means though, I googled it and it generated tons of definitions I really don't have time to read about. 

Yes, I can consider myself as a middle class citizen... in the Philippines. 
I'm still climbing the social ladder to get to that position here in Canada. Fuck, being a third-world immigrant in a first-world country sucks.

How can we measure someone's social status though? What are the requirements? Does it follow a certain point or rewards system? I dunno, and I don't think it matters at all. Because I think you're the only one who can determine which class you belong to. 

In retrospect, I remember my Christian Living teacher telling us how everyone in his class are considered "rich". He said if we are lucky enough to eat 3-4 times a day, live in a house made of concrete, study in an actual school and wear multiple clothing, then, we are in fact richer than the majority of the people in the world. It is true in a way. That was the first time I put much emphasis on the social classes in the Philippines. I became aware of its presence and its reality. 

I feel like I belong to this class primarily because I am able to enjoy the basic necessities in life. Food, shelter, clothing, smart phones, wifi router... but these weren't served on a silver platter. We had to work together for it. We have to patiently wait to achieve these things.

Hindi ko naranasan ma-spoon fed ng mga magulang ko. At hindi ko rin ma-imagine ang buhay ko kung ginawa nila sakin yun. Kelangan may honor muna ako bago ako humiling ng laruan, o makakain sa labas. Kelangan kong humingi ng permiso para buksan ang ercon. Yung makokonsensya pa ko ng sobra sobra kapag bibili ako ng mga gamit lagpas ng P500. 

Kung nakakarelate ka, congrats, isa kang pag-asa ng bayan. Tayo kasi yung totoong PILIPINO, tayo yung nakaranas ng HIRAP at SARAP ng buhay sa Pinas. 

I believe that the middle class still has the best chance of making the country great again. Mainly because we get to experience the both sides of the extremes. We know exactly what the problem is because we had to live through them. We experienced the Filipino life first-hand. And that allows us to feel sympathy towards the ones who are only living on either ends. 

Saulado natin ang totoong ibig sabhin ng pagtiya-tiyaga. Yung pag-tanggi sa yaya ng mga tropa kapag kakain sa labas, kapag bente nalang yung laman ng wallet mo. Tipong "Busog ako e" "Libre mo ba?" ayan, mga linyahan.  Sa parehong paraang alam din natin kung paano manlibre ng tropa kasi naiintindhan natin ang sitwasyon niya. Nagtiya-tiyaga tayo sa init ng araw kakapila para mag-enroll, o mag-pasa ng resume, o mag ayos ng SSS, o ng lisensya. Higit sa lahat, alam natin kung paano sumakay ng jeep. Magcommute. Alam natin ang kalakaran sa kalsada. Talent mong sumakay sa estribo ng jip, o sa likod ni mamang tricycle, me kakayahan tayong tiisin ang anghit ni manong kasi nga middle class tayo. Natuto tayong mag-tiis at dahil dun, hindi tayo mareklamo sa mga maliliit na bagay. Kaya nating palagpasin ang mga kakulangan at intindihin ang sitwasyon.

Dahil middle class tayo,  marunong tayong makiramdam, maging sensitibo. Tayo yung nakapag-aral sa isang "patas" na skul, kung saan hindi natin kelangan mag-ingles habang nabili ng karyoka sa tapat, o mag payabangan ng brand ng step-in. Marunong tayong makisalamuha sa mga karaniwang mamamayan.

Hindi problema satin ang makipag bonding sa mga tindera ng yosi sa kalsada, o makipagbiruan sa mga magtataho. Kaya nating hulihin ang loob ng mga mahihirap nating kababayan at iparamdam sa kanila na pantay pantay lang tayo. 

Sa parehong paraan na me kakayahan tayong makipag plastikan sa mga nakikilala natin sa club, o sa mga social gathering sa hotel, o makipag-converse sa mga socialite sa Ayala.

It is something to be proud of, knowing that you can reach the sky and yet keep your feet on the ground.

Dahil middle class ka, alam mo ang pakiramdam ng ma-erconan at ang pakiramdam ng paypayan. Hindi mo lang basta basta lalaitin ang kapangitan ng Pinas, dahil alam mo rin ang kagandahan nito. 

Nakapasok ka sa Solaire (nakapasok lang), naranasan mong mag-hotel, o mag-boracay, o sumakay ng eroplano. Meron kang mga branded na damit sa aparador mo, nakakaorder ka sa Yellowcab through DELIVERY! (naka linya!), mag-Valkyrie, me smartphone ka na hindi Cherry o Myphone. 

Sa kabilang banda, solb ka narin naman sa SM malls, o Robinson's, o kung nagtitipid ka talaga, Waltermart, o kung napagutusan ka lang ni maam , Puregold. Kumportable ka sa Islander mong tsinelas. Sapat narin sayo na kumain sa turo-turo, Solb ka narin sa ice-tubig, makipaginuman sa kanto, maging totoong Pilipino. Naranasan mo ang paraiso at ang impiyerno sa Pinas.

Kung tatanungin mo ko, hindi ko talaga maconsider na purong Pinoy yung mga sobrang mayayaman sa Pinas. Yung mga bata sa Greenhills na hindi man lang alam kung ano ang tabo (True story). Hindi rin naman siguro nila gustong maconsider na True Pinoy. Kung tutuusin yung mga sobrang yaman naman satin e mga half din naman, kaya di mo rin sila masisi. 

Don't get me wrong, there are several rich Filipinos who are genuinely patriotic, and I absolutely adore them. Inspired by them. They make me feel like I'm not alone in "proving" the Philippines is still worth fighting for.

Now that I am living the simple life in Canada, where everything seems to be convenient, where everything seems to be "attainable", I am happy that I was able to experience the bourgeois lifestyle back home. That life taught me how to be persistent and patient. It made me appreciate where I am now, mentally. It humbles the fuck out of me. I also learned how to disregard all negative perception about our country from the "richer" Filipino community here. I just feel like they don't really know what they're talking about. Besides, I don't really see the point why they had to talk trash about the Philippines, I mean, they already left. What made them think their opinion still matters? I don't really understand that part, but for everyone who never lost their faith in the Filipino way, I salute you, may you never lose the thrill in riding back-ride on a tricycle habang nilalanghap ang anghit ni manong.