"Panatang Makabayan, Mejo Iniibig Ko Ang Pilipinas.."

Honestly, I don't know any Filipinos who can truly say that they LOVE the country. Not the way that I do at least. I have a friend who is half Chinese, and when I asked that friend to choose to be either pure Chinese or pure Filipino, my friend without hesitation, wanted to become purely Chinese. I don't remember if I asked why, but I do remember my friend justifying that choice by listing down the things my friend hated about being Filipino.  

Bilang bitter ako at mejo gago, sinabi ko nalang, "Sa tingin mo ba kung ginera tayo ng mga Intsik, tapos pagpapatayin lahat ng mga Pilipino, sa tingin mo ba ililigtas ka nila? Haha sabi niya naman "Siyempre hindi." Malamang. 

Alam kong wala namang patutunguhan yung usapan naming yun. Gusto ko lang siguro siyang masaktan kasi nasaktan ako sa sagot niya. Tanong tanong pa kasi ako.

Mejo OA, alam ko, pero nasasaktan talaga ko kapag may mga Pilipinong mas gugustuhin pang ipinanganak sa ibang lahi. Hindi rin naman nila kasalanan yun, o kumbaga, ano bang pake ko sa gusto nila sa buhay nila. Nai-share lang naman.

There was also that one friend who not necessarily wanted to be born with a different nationality, but would rather live in a western country. See, I don't blame that friend, it is a matter of preference after all. That I understand. If my friend wanted that kind of Western lifestyle, then so be it. Again, it's a matter of preference. It shouldn't actually matter. One should be allowed to emigrate if one desires to.

Pero andami kasi nila. Andami nilang mas gugustuhin sa ibang bansa nalang manirahan. Parang yun na yung pinaka pangarap nila sa buhay. Halos lahat ng Pilipinong nakakausap ko dito, given the chance, they'd rather stay here and live the rest of their lives in Canada. Because why the fuck not? Canada is probably the best country in the world. That's coming from a person who's never been to any other country. Please disregard this opinion. But fuck, life is good here. Life is definitely 85% better here, but life is probably 85% better in any other first-world country, compared to the Philippines anyway. 

I have no fucking idea why I can't seem to let go of the Philippines. Believe me I tried. I tried remembering how shitty the traffic in the Philippines is. I keep on telling myself that WIFI is garbage there. I wanted to hate the country so bad. Just to finally move on and live the rest of my life in this almost perfect haven called Canada. 

But I can't, at least for now.

Lalo't tumaas pa yung interes kong umuwe sa bansa dahil si Duterte na ang presidente. Duterte's rise to the presidency felt like it's the first time in a very long time that Filipinos found a common ground. Not everyone of course, but I personally don't know anyone who hates him based on what I see on my Facebook timeline, which apparently is my source of news.

Yung mga may ayaw lang sa kanya ay yung mga kilala kong sobrang religious, na naiintindihan ko naman. Ayoko din naman na gustuhin nila si Duterte kung totoo ang mga balibalita tungkol sa mga extra-judicial killings. Hayaan ko nalang silang maging banal. Kelangan may balance talaga ang lipunan. Pangit naman kung lahat pabor sa kamatayan ng lahat ng kriminal diba. Masyadong dark. 

Maliban sa mga religious na tao, napansin ko lang din na hindi masyadong pabor yung mga Pinoy na nanirahan na't namuhay sa ibang bansa kay Duterts. Yung mga Pinoy na na-impluwensyahan na ng husto ng kanlurang kaisipan. Yung mga middle-class sa ibang bansa pero elitista pag-nagbakasyon sa Pinas. Yung mga nilamon na ng buo ng maunlad at sibilisadong pamumuhay sa isang First-world country.

Sibilisado. I try to go on twitter and read tweets about Duterte, honestly, I rarely see any Fil-ams who tweet good things about him though. (so I'm gonna fucking use "Fil-ams" to refer to every expats ok?! but it doesn't necessarily mean they're from the US, fuck formalities and political correctness.)  What hurts the most is when you see them agreeing or patronizing an opinion from a foreigner who doesn't know anything about the whole story, or the whole country for that matter. I understand it's their right to say what they feel, or approve of whatever they think is correct, or funny perhaps, but... I just really hope they stayed silent instead you know? 

Believe me, I get that we should be able to criticize the government and all, check and balance and shit, but I kinda wish everyone would just have a conversation on how shitty the Philippines is, with people who lives in it instead... with people who actually cares about the country. But free speech huh. Sige, kwento dito kwento jan, bigay ng masamang opinyon sa bansang nagpalaki sayo hanggang sumaya ang tingin mo sa sarili mo.

I guess what's really bothering me is the fact that Fil-ams are allowed to talk shit about the Philippines all they want and are still able to go on vacation any time they please. You know, they get the best of both worlds. If there's a bombing, or a terrorist attack in the Philippines, they're the first ones to criticize the country, and tells everyone how fortunate they are that they're no longer living there, but come Christmas time, they get to go back and celebrate the fuck out of the lechon and appreciate how fun the holiday season is back home.

Alam mo yun, may krimen sa bansa, hindi ako Pinoy, pag nanalo si Pacqiuao, proud to be Pinoy. Wow. Panalong panalo mga ser mga maam. Galing talaga. Congrats by the way. You won. Talong talo na kami.
Karapatan mo kasi yan e. Kalayaan mong maging balimbing.

Ganito yung pakiramdam ko. May isang magulang na pinaampon yung anak niya sayo. Tinanggap mo ng buong buo yung anak niya at minahal mo na parang sayo. Inalagaan mo't pinalaki at naging successful. Tapos yung tunay na magulang, ayun, nag Japan, namuhay ng matiwasay. Picture picture sa Cherry Blossoms. Nagenjoy sa buhay. Tapos isang araw naisipang bawiin yung anak niya sayo. Tapos yung anak naman sumama sakanya. Tapos ikaw, ayun, naiwan magisa, nageemo.

Sobrang walang ka kwenta-kwenta ang analogy ko, pero yung pakiramdam ng umampon, yun yung pakiramdam ko tuwing may isang Fil-am na nageenjoy sa ibang bansa pero nakukuha paring mag enjoy sa Pinas kahit "sinusumpa sumpa" niya na daw at "hindi na daw babalik". 

What's even worse, is if you actually live in the country and still manage to hate the shit out of it. Like all you do is complain, but have never done anything to contribute to its improvement. I just wish I have the power to send everyone who hates the country to some place else granted they'll NEVER come back. I really feel like we'll be doing each other a favor, and the whole country as well. 

Our lack of patriotism is the main reason why I support Duterte all the way. He makes you feel like he genuinely cares about the country above else.
I feel like we've been bending over to the rest of the world for so long. It needs to stop. We need to feel like we have our own identity. We can't always be in the shadows of the more powerful countries. 

We need to make a stand. We can't keep bowing to the opinion of the international community. They should not dictate who we are and what we should like. Let's stop asking for their validation and their approval.



Kung naghahanap kayo ng example, punta lang kayo sa mga reaction videos sa Youtube about sa kahit anong Pinoy related. Bakit parang ang saya saya natin pag-pinupuri tayo ng mga banyaga jusku. Ano ba yun, masayado tayong papapel sa international community, kelangan lagi tayong included.

We're just becoming so needy and desperate for attention. Why is it an issue if Duterte is seated beside Obama or not? Does he become a less respectable leader if he's not seated next to the president of the most powerful country in the world? 

We now have a leader who could care less about the international communities' perception towards him. Does it not make you proud to have a leader who doesn't kiss ass for the rest of his term? Would you rather have him bending over and get fucked by the rest of the world? Can't we just be proud that finally, we have a leader who is known for his strong ideology and not for his being a pushover?

Don't get me wrong, of course it's better to be friends with every nation as much as possible. That's a given. But can we be the friend who doesn't get left behind when walking towards a narrow path? Can we be that friend who's always on the guest list? Can we be the cool kid for once? 

This is who Duterte is to me. His becoming the President of the Republic of the Philippines is the manifestation of our journey towards real patriotism. 

Give him a chance. I have no idea if he can make the Philippines a place we can all be proud of or not, but so do you. Nobody does. And God forbid, if he did fuck this country up and all you tweet is "I told you so", well.. I'm sorry, and yes, You won again. I hope you're happy.

Digong, Lakas Tama!

Si Roxas o si Duterte.

"Tuwid na daan", o ang kailangang daan.

Hahahahhaa nyeta alam na alam na na biased amp! Pwede na talaga kong journalist!

This recent election was the first time that I've felt my vote really matters. Like it will definitely change something. Like it is something that will actually determine the future of the Philippines. Alam mo yun, siguro dahil nasa gantong edad na tayo kung saan tayo na talaga yung makikinabang sa kinabukasan ng bansa.

May pakialam ka na. Apektado ka na.

My vote goes to Duterte. I will continue to write in the present tense 'coz I dunno, saying "I voted" kinda makes me feel like I gave up on him or something, what can I say, I'm a horrible writer. Fuck off! the disclaimer is right there, on top of the page.

I choose him because he is an anomaly. He is far, far from all the politicians that we are normally used to. He fucking swears in probably all his interviews. Who fucking does that?! I mean, eto yung panahon na dapat nagpapabango ka sa mga bobong taong kagaya natin, tapos mag mumura ka sa tv. Yung buong pagkatao niya is way too different from all the other candidates. He stands out. He is not JUST ANOTHER politician. He's the kind of person that when he speaks, you can't help but to listen. Dahil narin talaga sa punto niya. He never shied away from sounding "different" o punyeta i-shu-sugar coat pa e, hindi siya natakot na baka pagtawanan siya dahil sa pagpupuntong Bisaya niya. He is simply different. He makes you wanna vote for him just because you are curious of what he can do to the country. Because it's different. You vote for Poe, and it kinda feels like you're voting for another Cory. You vote for Roxas, and it feels like you're still voting for Noynoy. You vote for Binay, and it kinda brings back the feeling you had when Arroyo was in position, corruption and all that shit. Duterte, he seems, different. People would probably say that he kinda has this Marcos vibe, but, I dunno, I didn't feel like that in any way. Edi kayo gumawa ng sarili niyong blog nyeta! haha pero oo nga no? Hindi ko naman kasi naabutan yung panahon ni Marcos, pero hindi ko din naman naabutan yung kay Cory, e bat nakumpara ko siya kay Poe. Hahaha. Ang bobo ko dito. Pero shit, the main point is, I feel like he has something to offer that is out of the box, and could surprise the Philippines and the international community. Kung ano man yun, kung ikakabuti ng bansa, o ikakasama, I, together with all his supporters, are willing to take the risk. Maiba lang. Nakakasawa na yung tuwid lagi ang daan. Masyadong matrapik. Mabagal. Panahon na para lumihis nang kaunti kahit wala sa daan. Makarating man lang sa dapat puntahan. 

Besides being different, he actually have a strong background in politics. He made sure that he is not all promises and shit. He kinda makes you feel like he's qualified to lead. Hindi yung parang may mailagay na lang sa pwesto. He is also a lawyer which means he fucking knows what he's talking about I guess. I also never read or heard any bad reps from any Filipinos who live in Davao. Tsaka kung may mga katotohanan man yung mga post sa FB tungkol sa mga batas at sa mga ordinansang naisatupad niya sa Davao, kagaya ng punyetang 911 na yan! ( Na napaka daya bat sila lang meron!), E talagang nagpapatunay na may kakayahan siyang gumawa ng pagbabago. Yung talagang mararamdaman mo na may improvement ba. Biruin mo, 911, sa Pinas?! jusku, nakakakilabot. The fact that he mentions his plan to alleviate the long lines in our train stations during his press con is orgasm in the ears of the public. I mean he could talk about world peace and all that idealistic promises to gain attention, but no, he wanted to fix something that Filipinos were begging for for years. I shit you not, if he fix the traffic in the Philippines, even Celdran would suck his dick off. 

Another thing is his transparency. What you see is what you get kinda of feeling. Yung pagmumura niya sa TV, maibalik ko lang, it is clearly an indication that he is NOT afraid to show that side of him, whether or not it's a propaganda to create a hype, or to attract the "cool kids" , It definitely shows that he just doesn't give a fuck about his image. Take him or leave him. He can very much go back to Davao and still lead anyway. Fuck the rest of the country. And he is very open about it! Parang tipong, "It's your loss unggoy ka!" Parang ganun. Galing mag bluff, talagang papatulan mo. 

Pati yung issue niya sa Sto Papa, kung tutuusin hindi niya naman kailangan iditalye yung opinyon niya sa issue na yun e. Pwede niyang i-sugar coat yun o tumanggi nalang magbigay ng pahayag, makaiwas lang sa batikos. Pero taena real talk si Digong e. Tyaka, fuck, I personally don't think he intentionally cursed the POPE directly. I mean, I have always thought of it as an expression. I mean, fuck. Wala ba kayong mga tropa na sobra kung mag mura, na tipong alam mo namang hindi ikaw yung minumura kasi expression niya nalang talaga yun. Ok guys. Ganito huh, para sa mga bobo taas ang kamay! papaliwanag ko to, Asal kanto 101. Lesson 1, Swearing. 

Bok: "Tangina! Ba't ang tagal mo dumating?
Par:  "Tangina mo rin, bat minumura mo ko, trapik e.
Bok: "Gago ka pala e, hindi naman kita minura.
Par:  "Gago ka rin"
Tol:   "Hawakan mo nga sa tenga, hawakan mo nga sa tenga"

Sa senaryong ito, hindi naman talaga minura ni Bok si Par. Wala kasing panghalip na ginamit si Bok na maaring tumukoy kay Par. Nangangahulugan na ang "Tangina" ay maituturing na isang Pandamdam sa pangungusap, at nagsisilbing paraan lang ng pagpapahayag ng emosyon ni Bok.

Tingin ko ganito lang talaga yun e. Pero bilib din talaga ko sa mga taga-dilaw, nagawan nila ng storya yun, pati yung media at ang international community. Hindi ko naman kasi masisi sila. It was a cheap shot, a really desperate move, but it was fucking effective nonetheless. They know an "attack" on THE POPE will be catastrophic to Duterte's candidacy, and they took that opportunity, I mean who wouldn't. It didn't really make a significant impact on Duterte's lead in the polls, maybe because the Filipino people are getting smarter and was able to see beyond that, or maybe they just don't care much about religion like they used to, which, to be honest, I completely understand.

I have NOT heard of any other politicians who is brave enough to personally damage his image and still be confident in winning the election. Duterte must probably be one hell of a poker player if this is in fact a propaganda. But fuck, I fold, he can take all my money as long as he can stay true to his promise.

Also, Duterte is ALPHA as fuck. He was a motherfucking boss! He's like your drunk uncle who will back you up against your shitty parents, or that one guy who you can always run to every time you get into trouble. Siya yung tambay sa eskinita niyo na alam mong poprotektahan yung lugar niyo pag may nanggulo. Yung ganong feeling. Yun yung na i-stablish niyang persona e. Siya lang ata yung nagbigay kung ano yung matagal nang hinahanap ng mga Pinoy sa isang kandidato. Yung TAPANG. No compromises. Nagne-name drop siya fuck! Alam niyo ba kung gaano ka big deal yun sa isang bansang nasanay na sa kurapsyon. Sa isang thirld-world country kung saan HINDI binabangga ang may pera. Pero anak ng tupang virgin, Nagbubulgar siya. E alam mo naman tayong mga pinoy, maliban sa panggagaya ng mga American shows, mahilig din tayo sa chismis. E etong si Duterte, masyadong madaming issues na sinasabi, kaabang-abang lagi yung mga presscon niya. Para kang nanonood ng teleserye na walang cliffhangers. Walang pagaalinlangan, tira nang tira, kaya pati ung tupang virgin nagkakaanak e.

But the ONE thing, the main thing that made me his bitch is his motherfucking intelligence. I mean I dunno if he's academically smart and all, but I'm not really talking about that. I'm referring to his way of playing his cards right. He played the game like he was a fucking character from game of thrones. Again I have no idea if everything he did, or everything about him was a propaganda or a gimmick, but fuck, he won the game fair and square. He just said the right words. 

You know how Erap used his "Inability to speak in English properly" to appeal to the marginalized part of the society? and how Gloria managed to turn things around with the "Gloria Gloria Labandera shit?
He also knew that his persona will appeal to shit heads like us, the millennials. He knew that he will attract college kids and squatters alike if he acted that way he acts. He understood what the Filipino masses wanted to hear during that election. Alam niya yung reaksyon ng mga tao sa attitude niya na "take it or leave it". Alam niya na mas-maapreciate ng mga botante kung aaminin niya right away yung pananaw niya sa pag-aasawa. Naiintidihan niya yung importansya ng bonding niya kay Sen. Miriam. Alam niya yung implikasyon na dala ng mga "JOKES" niya. Alam niya na magugustuhan natin yung pagiging bibo niya, kagaya ng apreciation natin sa mga tropa nating bibo sa inuman. Alam niya yun! Fuck he is a damn good strategist. He calculated the risks of his actions all throughout his campaign. He just knew how to get away with... it. and I'm fine with it, as long as it's for the greater good.

Strategy is something Roxas didn't have. The only ace that he actually had, was having Carlos Celdran vouch for him. That was a hard hit on my end. Because I do love Celdran, especially during the Damaso days, and the Rizal Park protests. I like his passion and love for the Philippines. I really do respect him, but I'm not sure anymore based on his continuous attacks towards Duterte which are somewhat uncalled for. He is smart as fuck too, together with Ramon Bautista, they actually were the strongest weapon camp Roxas have. See, these two before were our, when I say our I meant the college kids, the middle class, or the millennials (fuck I hate to use this word), heroes. Their opinion matters. Together with Bianca Gonzales, Drew Arrellano, Mo twister (debatable), basically educated elitists and socialites, when they tweet about something relevant, it matters. People can be swayed. Opinions can be changed in a click of a button. But I guess Celdran and Bautista's efforts were not enough to reach the lower class in this case. 

Pero ang nagpatalo talaga kay Roxas, ay yung stunt niya sa kalsada. That was undeniably the nail in the coffin. That was a fucking massive mistake from his PR department. It was just fucking embarrassing! He didn't fool anyone for fuck sake. I pity him and his supporters after watching him do traffic on a pouring rain along EDSA. I mean come on! It goes to show you can be a graduate at Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, and still be unbelievably stupid. 

Don't get me wrong. I voted for Noynoy. I love Noynoy's administration. If he did in fact, made our economy stronger than ever before, then he fucking deserves our gratitude. He made the Philippines "classy" in the eyes of the world and I appreciate that. It's just, as of now, I feel like we need something different. We need significant improvements. We need someone we can trust. We need to be assured that when the leader says he's gonna do something, he will do it. No more waiting, no more false promises. The Filipino people needs a leader who can make us feel like we are the priority. We need patriotism in this country, God knows it's long over due.

I don't know why I had to write this, 3 month's after Duterte's win, maybe I was just inspired by how Filipinos respond to Duterte bashers, locally and internationally. I love that they can determine which are obvious ploys from the truth. I also like that we don't get tired easily and move on to a different topic. Lastly, I appreciate that we don't get dissuaded right away every time there's an issue that could make are belief in Duterte waver. 

I also wanna point out the perception of the international community towards his administration. I am NOT trying to compare the gravity of the situation, but somehow, I sympathize with some other countries that are condemned by the international media, mostly the ones that are under a dictatorship, or has issues with terrorism. Somehow, now, I question the validity of their reports. What do we know really? I mean the whole world probably thinks that we kill everyone in the streets and that we are a group of savages who just went back to the middle-ages. But we know what the truth is. We live it. 

If John Oliver wants to give us shit about choosing Duterte as our president, then let him. Don't let it affect you. What does he know about the FILIPINO LIFE? Our society and our culture? He never had to fall 8 hours in line just to get a government I.D. and had no one to complain to. He never had to file a police report and wait for years for a resolution. Getting help from the authorities was never a problem for a guy in his stature. He doesn't have to worry about his car getting stolen in the middle of the night. He can very much walk along his suburbs without having to worry if he's gonna come home alive or if he's gonna be chopped into pieces by a rapist drug addict. He never had to leave his children behind for years just to provide them a "decent" life. I now live in a first-world country and one of my biggest problems here is if the bus is 3 minutes late. I don't have to worry about real shits! I can go on and on and on about the things that he will never understand as an affluent 1st-world Caucasian male, about the life of a 3rd-world middle class citizen, but it wouldn't matter, it just doesn't matter. 

The question is, are you really gonna change your decision based on a foreigner's opinion towards YOUR country. Listen to Celdran, to Bautista, to Kim Atienza, Kay Tulfo, kay De Castro, kay Sotto,for all I care, bahala ka, wag lang please sa isang taong hindi man lang naranasan tumira ng kahit tatlong araw sa bansa. 

Huwag na huwag kang mahihiya kahit binabalahura na tayo sa CNN, hindi nila laban to. Pero kung hindi mo na mapigilan magsulat sa comment section, please, please pa copy paste muna sa Microsoft word, tas, highlight, right click, grammar check. Proofread ng mga limang beses bago mo i-post. BAWAL JEJEMON, at higit sa lahat, utang na loob, walang Proud to be Pinoy!

Hindi Tinisyu Ni Tatay, Hindi Inire Ni Nanay, Sino Ako?

I just wanna say, FIRST AND FOREMOST, that I have no intentions of sounding like I know everything about this issue. I also do NOT want to undermine the feelings (or the life choices) of anyone who is directly affected by this kind of ordeal. My opinion on this matter solely depends on the stories my friends and family shared with me. I even had to ask a couple of them for permission to share their personal experiences, and they all agreed, granted I won't mention any names. 

Whew! Glad I got that out.

Bastards. I had to google the best political term available for this post to avoid offending anyone. But I guess the more I look into it, the more offensive it gets. And yes, this is the answer to the riddle.

I received a text from a friend one morning that urged me to contemplate about illegitimacy, and all the drama that comes with it. The text was very alarming that I couldn't help thinking about putting myself in that situation. I wonder how I would react, or feel if I am in the center of all the commotion.

This for me is a very sensitive topic, as you can see with that corny-ass disclaimer on the first paragraph. I was back and forth with the idea of writing a post about illegitimate kids or unfaithfulness because I realized how common it is to probably everyone that I know. I seriously can't think of anyone that I'm close with that doesn't have any issues with cheating, marital problems, broken families, bastards and the likes. I mean can you? Wow, I didn't think I'd be shock with that realization considering how "open-minded" I am with these kinds of stuff. But yeah. That's fucked up. 

It's funny, 'coz growing up, my immediate family never had any problems with any of these. Consequently, I never had anything to share during inuman sessions, or recollections. 

Tandang tanda ko pa nung 1st year college, inggit na inggit ako sa mga kaklase kong may mga sob stories. Kasi iyak sila ng iyak tuwing sharing sa recollection, tapos ako kabadong-kabado kasi wala akong mashare na nakakaiyak.

Pinipilit ko pa talagang umiyak o mag-isip ng mga nakakalungkot na pwedeng pang MMK, pero wala talaga. Dumating pa sa puntong nag-iimbento nalang ako ng storya kagaya ng pinamigay  daw ako nung bata ako para lang may maikwento lang. Pasensya na sa mga naloko ko, pero nakakapressure kaya pag ikaw na nakasalo nung bola! Tapos lahat nakatingin sayo nag-eexpect na kapost-post sa bulletin ng Friendster yung life story mo. 

But anyway, hearing stories from my peers about their relationship with their family is incredibly humbling. Heartbreaking yes, but it will make you feel grateful of how mundane your life is. As a listener, it will also make you realize and understand why people behave the way they do. It all goes back to what they were exposed to as a kid. 

I am fortunate enough to be very good friends with people who have very interesting backgrounds. I have friends who were born in to a broken family. A friend that never knew one of his parents. A friend who has half brothers and sisters, A friend who was the "second family". They all get to share their stories during get-togethers and share different opinions from their own perspective. It's nice 'coz it allows you to see things in a different light. 

Growing up, I have never understood why everyone can't just get along. Why do children from the first and the second (or the third, kung bibo si tatang) have to be involved in the whole drama. Why can't they just sit down and straighten things out, being that they never had a say on the matter in the first place.  

Usesero't useserang gatong sa kwentuhan: Hindi naman kasalanan ng mga bata.

Si first family: E hindi kasi ikaw ang nasa sitwasyon.

Usesero't useserang gatong sa kwentuhan: Nandiyan na yan e, tanggapin nalang.

Si first family: Hindi mo alam ang pakiramdam.

Usesero't useserang gatong sa kwentuhan: Eeee basta tama ako. Dapat positibo lage! Kasi love is the answer! Forgive and forget. Time heals all wounds. Perfect ako. 

Si first family: Sino ka nga pala ulit? 

The fucked up thing is, it is true, the children are innocent from all the shits their parents made in the past. They really didn't ask for any of these. They were just a result of a natural, a biological, phenomenon, that is, two consenting adults literally fucking each other up in the name of infidelity, or love, or just plain lust. It doesn't matter. A child is born out of wedlock, and will be raised thinking they are lesser beings than those who were born under the sacred vow of marriage. And it just doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense to be mad at them for being born into this mess.

But somehow, they still get to carry that burden. Somehow the legitimate family still has this hatred towards them. And to be honest, can you blame them? These kids are basically a constant reminder of their parents' infidelity. A reminder that their whole foundation of morality has been tarnished. A scar of betrayal from their supposed role models. 

I was talking to a friend who was a part of the "second family" earlier. The friend is lucky to have a mother who turned her life around and made decent life choices amidst the whole thing. The mother was accepting, and confident of their status in the society. To be fair, my friend's parents actually love each other. I say that because I can still see the father dropping by every now and then to spend time with them. Which is nice. Again, I know people will feel salty as fuck, but the father ACCEPTED and ACKNOWLEDGED the "other family" which I feel is quite a step-up from his previous decisions. (that was an understatement). But yeah, good on the mom for being independent and not settle for being another percentage of women who gets solely blamed for the insertion of a married penis into her lascivious vagina.  

Nangyari na nga kasi. Tapos na. Anjan na tayo. Matanda narin yung kaibigan ko para maging makitid pa yung pagiisip niya sa sitwasyon ng pamilya niya. Kung tutuusin, wala na naman siyang pakialam talaga. Siguro dahil narin sa haba ng panahon na nakalipas. At dahil narin siguro sa sitwasyon na kinalagyan niya. E asa "second family" siya e. E pano naman yung pakiramdam ng asa "first". 

Masakit naman talaga na habang lumalaki ka, nararamdaman mo na hindi buo ang pagtanggap sayo ng sinasabi nilang pamilya mo "rin". Na kahit anong pabibo at pagiging magalang mo, ay hindi parin sapat para kagiliwan ka nila. 

Meron pang instance na inimbita ka sa isang family party, tapos ikaw lang magisa, umaasang kakausapin ka ng mga half-brothers at sisters mo, na, yayayain ka nila sa mesa nila para salo-salo kayong kumain. Darating sa puntong gutom na gutom ka na, pero hindi ka mabigyan ng lakas ng loob para tumayo at kumuha ng pagkain, dahil naunahan ka ng takot na baka titigan ka ulo hanggang paa habang kumukuha ng paper plates. Kinakabahan kang tawaging palamunin at bastardo. Kaya mas pinili mo nalang tiisin ang gutom at umupo sa sulok, hanggang me pumansin sayong hindi mo kaano-ano, para alukin kang kumain. 

Kwento ng kaibigan ko, ang pinaka masakit na parte daw sa ganong set-up e yung kelangang pag-awayan ang mga ari-arian. Kung tutuusin, malaking bagay naman talaga yun lalo na kung kayo yung "una". Pero kung ikaw yung pangalawa, parang iisipin mo kung hanggang saan ba yung karapatan mo? Nakakapagod.

Wala naman daw balak humati yung kaibigan ko sa mana. Bahala na sila dun. Labas na siya sa gulo. Masaya nalang siya at naaalagaan niya ang tatay niya- Ang tanging koneksyon niya sa grupo ng mga taong may parehas na dugong kagaya ng sakanya.   

It is not the children's fault. I can't stress this enough, in the same way that I can't possibly understand what the "first family" is feeling. They were the victims in the first place. But until when? Until when can they play the victim card, until when will they feel like they've been robbed of a better childhood. I don't know. I just can't possibly imagine myself holding that kind of grudge for the rest of my life. Especially when I know for a fact that none of the events in the past has a hold on me anymore. 

But one thing remains though, the one thing that baffles me. No matter how unfaithful a parent is to your other parent, it seems that the children still manage to feel a bit of connection to the former. I guess family is family after all. You can hate them all you want, but, still, family. Good for the parent though. It ain't a perfect relationship, but a relationship nonetheless. 

So I'm just thinking, so what if I'm personally involved in this kind of messed up family drama. How would I feel. Honestly, I don't really... I guess I will definitely NOT get mad. I'm more sorry that it has to happen. I am gonna feel so sorry for the parent who made a "mistake". Because, I know I would not want to be a part of that mess. HAHA I'm sorry, What I mean, is that, you know... I have a lot on my plate right now. I dunno, hypothetically, if it happens to me, would I accept him as my half-brother? I wanna say yes... but.. Imma say no AS OF THE MOMENT. Ok?! WTF?! Well in my defense, Hypothetically, I don't have any bond with the kid, like, it's more like, so, are you gonna ask for money when you grow up or what? 'Coz I'm pretty strict with my savings... so maybe you could reach out to my older brother? K? Aryt, see you next decade year? And don't get me started with the "third-party". Although thinking that the "third-party" has to swallow every bit of dignity to have an affair with a married individual is sad enough. I'm doing my hardest to rise up and become a better person, I just can't waste any more of my time and energy to go back to the pits where that person belongs.

I dunno ok! I haven't had the privilege of having a half-bro/sis, but the fuck! I just hope if it does happen, I just hope it wouldn't blow up in our faces. Fuck I hate drama, so I would really like it low-key.

And I wish, it would be decent. You know what I mean? I hope it's civil and shit. Although if I'm wishing for things, I hope either of my parents would just keep it to themselves huh. 

We'll see... Fuck if worse comes to worst, sana talaga mas matalino't gwapo ako sa bata. Taena taob na nga ako sa ligal na kapatid ko, sa hypothetical ko pang kapatid. Jusku kawawa naman ako. Ako talaga yung biktima e.

"Bri Coffee, Beer?"

People always seem to under-appreciate the value of a good conversation. A meaningful conversation with someone over coffee or beer, could lead into something very constructive. It will open your mind to so many possibilities and realizations that you wouldn't have thought of yourself. 

See, my mind is pretty messed up, and there are so many things that I wanna say but I always seem to prevent myself from sharing it with people, mainly because I think it's not the right place, or the right time, and mostly because I just don't think people will care or should care. So I decide to shut up most of the time. This made me more of a listener than a talker. I prefer it anyway. I like listening to people's stories and personal experiences. I like that I am able to understand their perspective on something. They say experience is the best teacher. Although it didn't necessarily say whose. Whether it's your experience or someone else's, it could still teach you a hell of a lot. You don't really need to shoot yourself in the head with a gun to know it will kill you.

However, always being the listener could take a toll on you. It could be very exhausting. It is so overly selfless you tend to hate the person you're talking with. The worst part is it's not their fault at all. You allow yourself to be someone else's outlet for so many times that you feel resentment towards them and to yourself.

Knowing you changed that. You made it so easy for me to be genuine and honest all the time. It made me realize that I'm not alone in all the shits that I'm going through. I learned to speak my mind truthfully. You opened both your ears and your mind for what I have to say. And you were OKAY with it. You accepted my demons, with or without judgement. It didn't really matter, what's important is you never made me feel ashamed about it. And for that, breathing comes so easy. My train of thought never had to falter when I'm talking to you. My heart beats at a comfortable pace. I was able to look in your eyes without having to lie. It is an honest conversation.

I will forever be thankful that I didn't go home right after class, and instead I decided to pass my time seating on a bench with you by the dumpster. 

There are so many turning points in my life that I will surely remember, but that moment on that wooden bench, will remain as a check-point, a some sort of memento that I will forever look back on to.

That moment was a wake up call. In that very moment, I realized that life is so much bigger than what I imagined. You taught me how to dream. You did that. I always knew I'm gonna go places, literally and figuratively, but I never really understood what the first step is, and its importance. You've shaken my whole perspective about the future and shown me that dreams can be achieved. See, I'm realistic as fuck, I know you think you are too, but, honestly, haha you're not. And that's okay. Because unlike me, you are not afraid to dream big. You are not afraid to take the first step. You seem to push yourself to the limit without compromising your happiness. And I admire that about you. You made it look so easy even when it's fucking not. You inspired me to trust in myself and myself alone. That my capabilities are enough to become somebody. You lead by example. You may be a dreamer, but you never settled on being one for a long time.

Looking back on our talks, I realized the million conversations we had about our let-downs. There were SO MANY shitty things that have happened to the both of us and yet, we seem to shake them off with a cup of coffee. The long talks from 6 pm till midnight seems to be enough time to forget about our problems. Every time we say goodbye by the end of the night, I feel like my life has been refreshed or rebooted, it's a brand new start.

Now, It's been a year since we last grabbed a cup of coffee with a pack of cigarettes on our sides, or ordered a plate of sisig while insulting the band on the stage at Giligan's. One year. 

I guess we survived it, a life without our talks and our drinks. But it is not a life that I look forward to.

We're both doing everything thing we can to realize the dreams we had talked about on that wooden bench. Funny thing is, I didn't think for a second that we will get to this point. I didn't think our little dreams would actually come true. It's still so vivid how we laughed about how ridiculous we sounded back then. One puff at a time. 

But yeah, I guess dreams could come true. It just needs a little push. A cup of coffee or a bottle of beer. 

And someone who believes in you. 

Adik Sa Yo**

Ang saya-saya kong nag-sasalansan ng mga napamili kong mga groceries sa kusina namin. Edi ayun, pasok ng mga karne sa freezer, lagay ng mga delata sa pantry, lagay ng tsitsirya sa kabinet.... Shit! yosi ko to ah?! 

Naghalong tuwa, dismaya, at pagtataka yung naramdaman ko nung nakita kong naka tago sa sulok yung isang kaha kong yosi sa may kabinet. Tuwa kasi laptrip, parang, bat andito to?! Dismaya kasi alam na ng mga magulang ko na dinala ko pa yung bisyo ko sa Canada, pagtataka kasi, ba't tinago pa nila? Bat hindi nalang rektang tinapon? Alam siguro nilang magwawala ako pag nalaman ko, 14$ ba naman isang kaha nyeta! 504 PESOS SA PINAS ang bente-pirasong nirolyong cancer. 

I was 15 when I started experimenting with cigarettes. Experimenting because I never really started smoking at that age, wait, I mean, I tried it when I was 15 but never really pursued it. I just really wanna know what the deal is. I've always been curious about a lot of things. And smoking is basically the rite of passage to a very insecure life as a teenager. You just have to do it. Thing is, believe it or not, HAHA, I never intended my peers to know about it. It wasn't a cry for attention 'coz God knows I hate attention. I know it doesn't seem like it, now that I published this blog online, but I never really wanted drama. You know?, just, I hate complications and questions and explanations and all that shit. So, I never felt the need to brag about it. It didn't matter anyway 'coz again, I never really got in to it. I only smoked when I'm home alone, or if I'm waiting for a bus, or just waiting for someone. It was never really my thing, it didn't feel like a big deal. I was just curious.

I was always curious. I dunno. I have this fucked up thirst for answers and experiences. There's this immense need for me to try different things. Like there's something in me that wants to experience things that are just, plainly stupid. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not adventurous. Not at all. I wouldn't dare trying all shits, just shits that interests me, even if it's a bit fucked up, and unnecessary, and a bit peculiar.

Pero yosi lang talaga. Yosi at inom lang ang naging bisyo ko hanggang ngayon. Na normal naman siguro. Ang boring nga e. Pero, ewan ko ba, hindi naman talaga ako malakas mag yosi, kasi hindi naman ako dumating sa puntong hinahanap-hanap ko siya. Kagaya ng mga naririnig ko sa mga tropa ko pag-ginigiyang sila. O sa mga napapanood ko sa TV na adik na adik talaga. Tipong hindi ko ata naramdaman yung adiksyon na yun. Kasi una, sa inuman ko lang naman naranasan yung makaubos ng isa o dalawang kaha sa isang upuan. Pero pag tapos na yung inuman, wala narin yung yosi.

Dumating din naman ako sa punto na naglalaan talaga ko ng budget para sa mga bisyo ko. Tipong me alokasyon talaga para sa half-pack na lights, na 30 pesos, tapos yung 70 pesos pang ambag sa alak, tapos yung mga barya barya pang bili ng sugo, tapos yung 50 pang sugal na. Pero hindi talaga ko mabisyo. Pag sinabi mo kasing mabisyo, madalasan. Yung parte na ng sistema mo. Me pakiramdam ka na kelangan mong gawin yung mga bagay na yun hindi lang dahil nagpapasaya ito sayo, kundi dahil hindi mo narin talaga kayang pigilan yung sarili mong hindi gawin tong mga to. Bisyo yung mga bagay na hindi mo maamin sa sarili mo na meron ka kahit alam na ng lahat ng nasa paligid mo.

Pero nung college, naalala ko lang kung pano kami mag inuman nun after class araw-araw. Yung kahit may signal no. 3  na bagyo naka uniform ako para lang magkaraoon ng baon. Yung naka uniform ka nga pero naka rubber shoes hahahaha, sabay bihis ng civilian sa loob ng tricycle para lang hindi maka-miss ng session. 

Pero mga bata, wag n'yong tutularan to huh. Mga propesyonal lang ang gumagawa nito. Pero dahil may posibilidad na mabasa ng mga relatibs ko to, gusto ko lang sabihin na hanggang 50 pesos lang ang hingi ko ng baon pag sa mga inuman. The rest ay ipon ko na, sakripisyo ng hindi pag-eextra rice at hindi pagbili ng malinis na tubig. Ipon na galing sa pagtiya-tiyaga sa paglalakad sa creek araw-araw. At higit sa lahat, bago ko gawin to, sinigurado kong matataas mga grades ko. Parang hindi naman talaga naka apekto yung pagloloko sa pagaaral ko e. Ewan ko ba, nakatulong pa nga e, kasi pakiramdam ko yun ung reward ko every time perfect yung exams ko. Inspirasyon ba.

Alam ko napaka yabang ko na, haha, pero sa mga estudyanteng makakabasa neto, try niyo lang, pwede naman magaral at mag"loko" ng sabay e. Time management lang talaga at matindihang tiwala sa sarile na hindi ka mapapariwara.

I dunno, I guess this is mainly the reason why I feel

confident that I can get away with all the shits that I've done and plan on doing. I wanna believe I earned it. Because at the end of the day, I still look forward to being a responsible adult. Satisfying my curiosity is all I ever wanted anyway, it should never define who I am in the long run. 

I know it doesn't make sense. I promise you it will once I'm done with what I'm about to do. I wish I can still be lucid by that time. I wish I still have full control of my reality.

This is NOT about drugs.

I have always wanted to try it, but probably never will. I'm just so fascinated by the idea of understanding what the deal is. Especially when you watch videos of people doing it, it looks so inviting. Thing is I'm scared that it will actually do physical damage to my brain, which I consider my limit. I mean what's the point if I will not be able to think straight and understand the whole thing afterwards. The only reason why I wanted to try it in the first place is to study the experience. 

Just plain curiosity.

But doing drugs, that's where I draw the line. I wouldn't risk losing my mind to something so... something so predictable. But who knows, maybe one day I get really really curious and give in. I dunno. Probably not though. Not until I'm done with all my obligations in life. So yeah, I'll probably try it, once I'm done with being an adult.

My vices doesn't control me and my decisions in life. I mean come on, smoking and alcohol are not exactly a big fucking deal, especially in this day and age. Fuck some kids today are even doing drugs on a regular basis. Some even consider smoking marijuana as a mainstream act. And I honestly haven't even tried it yet. haha. I told you I'm lame as fuck. Well I tried it ONCE! I mean just once, and I didn't even feel anything. My friends told me it was quality made, but I never really get the hype. I dunno, maybe I should give it another try. My parents should be very proud of me all things considered.

Speaking of parents, I still don't know how they will react once they realized I took my cigarettes back. I feel so bad for them honestly. I'm pretty sure they blame themselves for my smoking, especially my dad who once was a smoker too. He had to stop the moment he became a resident in Canada. I never wanted them to know anyway. That's what they get for going through my things without my permission.

That'll show them. 

But seriously though, I hate that they think that smoking is actually an issue. Maybe if they caught me in high school, I'd understand. But I'm fucking 25 years old. Shit I'm practically the man of the house now. I could actually move out and start my own family if I wanted to. In fact, I shouldn't be even hiding this from them by now. The only reason why I had to is out of respect. I also didn't want my dad to feel like he's responsible or that he influenced me in some way. Like fuck! I hope they understand that the world doesn't revolve around them. 

I think what really makes me so angry is the thought that I am not capable of doing bad things. They have this unrealistic notion that I'm a fucking saint. Which is incredibly insulting if you ask me. Fuck if only they knew. 

As I'm typing this, I'm slowly realizing that maybe the reason why I did what I've done, is to prove to myself that I can do wrong. That I am flawed. That I am far from the pedestal they chained me in to. 

I just hope that they understand that it's never been their fault. And that they can no longer do anything about my decisions in life, 'coz even if they do, I won't let them. Children should learn their limits. Parents even more. I know that I will never fully understand how they feel until it happens to me personally, pero ewan ko ba... malalaman nalang natin siguro.

I'm kinda proud of myself. I hurt for my parents yes. But I'm really happy that I was able to control my vices and not the other way around. I still am proud that I was able to fight off some serious temptations back when I'm still working on my self-esteem and my insecurities. 

Masaya lang talaga na hindi ako lumaking "perpekto". Sarap sa pakiramdam na may mga bagay kang nagawa na hindi mo aakalaing magagawa mo. Kelangan mo lang talaga siguraduhin na kaya ng sistema mo yung bisyo mo. At higit sa lahat, siguraduhin mong sarili mo lang yung sisirain mo sa bandang huli. 

SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT! FUCK!! pipicturan ko dapat yung yosi ko para sa post nato, pero pag check ko sa bag ko wala na ulit! Fuck! Fuck! Hindi talaga ako adik sa yosi pero FUCK!! 30 minutes kong hinagilap sa mga kabinet ng kusina namin. Hindi talaga ko mahilig magyosi pero asan na kaya yun?! 14$ yun! Shiiieiieieieieet!!

Para Sa Mga Amoy Irish Spring

Pambihira AUGUST NA? Parang kelan lang nung naglilinis ako ng kwarto ko't nag iisip kung i-eempake ko pa yung mga t-shirt kong mga tig-tu-two hundred o yung mga i-slong i-sleeves lang. 

Dumating pa ko sa nililingon-lingon ko yung mga dingding ng bahay namin para di ko makalimutan. Yung tipong nagpaalam pa ko isa-isa sa mga appliances. August 12, 2015. Isang taon na palang nakalipas, dang bilis e.

I never thought it would be this quick. Shit. I know time goes by real fast but fuck! A lot has happened in the past year but somehow I can't seem to remember one significant highlight during those times. There are quite a few moments, like, going around tourist destinations in the first few months living here, and... uhm... well... I guess that's it. The rest was all work and groceries, and more work. 

There might not be a lot of memorable moments in my life right now, but there are quite a lot of realizations, which are more important to me to be honest. One that interests me the most in being an immigrant, is being able to scrutinize the lifestyle of other Filipino expats here abroad. If you don't know by now, I could go a little overboard in observing the Filipino culture and lifestyle. 

So, even before I got here, I was already thinking about doing an essay about how we Filipinos live in a different country. Because we always hear stories about balikbayans who allegedly changes their entire lifestyle every time they go back home. Tipong nakapag sabon lang ng Dove kala mong allergic na sa alikabok. Samantalang dati Perla lang naman ang gamit, shina-shampoo pa.

But seriously, we all know that one balikbayan who acts differently as soon as they get out of the country.

Lahat tayo me mga kamaganak o kaibigan na nakapag abroad lang, natuto nang mag suot ng boots kahit El Nino talaga. Yung tipong sa inuman ang mga linyahan e, "Alam mo sa states..., Walang ganyan sa... Kaya ibang iba talaga buhay sa..., Nako sa..., Bulok talaga dito e, di gaya sa..." Yung tipong ung mga kainuman niya e tatango-tango nalang, tapos yung iba makikigatong pa, sipsip hanggang sakanya mapunta yung rubber shoes na red, hindi yung black huh, dapat yung red. 

What I don't understand, and want to understand, is did it change over time? Was there a change in how we perceive Filipinos abroad? Because back then, there's this certain glory, or mystique that is attached to an OFW. It's almost as if people back home worship them. 

Jusku iniisip ko palang yung mga gusto kong sabihin, sumisikip na yung dibdib ko. Naaalala ko lang yung mga pagkakataon na may uuweng balikabayan.  Bat ganooon tayooo.. Sipsip dito sipsip doon, nagmukhang pagawaan ng Tupperware yung compound sa dami ng plastik sa daan. Si kapitbahay, si second cousin, si third cousin, si kapitbahay ni pinsan, si asawa ng kabit ng pinsan ng panglawang tiyuhin ng kabit sa pangalawang asawa ng hindi mo kaano-ano, lahat yan ipagdiriwang ang muli mong pagbabalik. Alang alang sa sa isang pakete ng Irish Spring at Butterfinger.

That was before. Nowadays, I think people are starting to realize that life abroad is not as fancy as they thought it would be. It probably has something to do with the ease in communication these days. Friends and family back home can actually keep track on what's happening with their love ones abroad. They can read the sentiments and see the pictures of what their relatives do for a living.

Nakikita nila na nagpapicture lang talaga sa harap ng Hermes na shop, o umiinom ng starbucks kahit share share lang naman talaga sa isang baso.

Unlike before where there seems to be a certain mystery that can create a facade of grandiosity. People can assume that life outside the Philippines is easy. They can speculate how much money the OFW earns in a month. Today, love ones abroad is just a click away. You can actually message people and ask for money, and they can immediately respond to you and refuse. They can tell you that they also have no money to lend, which eliminates the idea that OFW's are instant millionaires.

Although, there is still a bit of a reputation when you live abroad. People still think you're a bit "richer" than most. I mean, they're technically right, 'cause currencies abroad have greater value compared to our Peso, but I could go on with the "living expenses" bullshit, but it's quite tired and it's kinda boring. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we have to understand the kind of life OFW's have before we conclude things. Before you even think of asking money from them, you might wanna think of the things she has to do to earn that money. But most importantly, you have to extremely evaluate yourself and your relationship with the person. I mean who the fuck are you to her? What have you done to her to merit the loan? Besides being a relative, do you think your happiness is more important than hers? Do you even consider that the person also has to save for the future, that she's not working 44 hours a week plus part-times for your sake. So maybe consider that. Think carefully whether or not being a parasite your whole life is worth it.

Anyway, those are my sentiments for Overseas Filipino Workers who are mostly staying in a foreign country for just a period of time. Being an immigrant though, is a different story. 

Having to live permanently in a new environment, you don't exactly worry about the people that you left behind financially, because it's more likely that the ones you care about most are also living with you. I mean of course you still feel obligated to help out once in a while, but you don't really have to worry about being treated differently in your visits back home, you know what I mean? Like you don't really need to "show off" because,  I guess you know you'd be spending the rest of your life far far away and there's just no point. Do you know what I mean? 'Coz I'm kinda having troubles myself.

Anyway, earlier, I was at a liquidation store shopping for things that I don't really need, you know, like a typical Filipino immigrant. I'm not surprised that there were a lot of Filipinos in there, because why not? Although there are also a lot of white people around and some other nationalities too. So while I was falling in line to pay for stuff, a Filipino senior citizen who's ahead, keeps on looking back at me. He seems to be wanting to catch my gaze or something, so I took off my earphones to check if he's speaking to me. And he was. So I immediately apologized and asked him what's up, He then smiled at me and looked very excited that I was also speaking the same language as he is. So of course, I got into a small talk with him, if you can call it that, I remember just responding with, opo, po, ganun po ba, oo nga po hehe, opo. But nonetheless, I felt like he really enjoyed having a "conversation" with someone "familiar". I also noticed that he is almost tearing up, or maybe I'm just imagining things. He could probably just have an eye condition. I dunno. But it really broke my heart a bit. Because I actually understand what he's feeling, well not entirely. 

See, I'm young, I have my whole life ahead of me. I can adjust to my situation. I can speak the language fluently. I can still have an option to live my life here in Canada or back home in the Philippines. He doesn't have that option. He probably was just forced by his son to move in here thinking it would be better for his dad. The son must've thought that the free medical check-ups would make his dad's life better. I can tell that he just got here not long ago. Because he didn't have confidence at all! He was looking down most of the time. He was dressed like he was going to a cock-pit, He didn't have the slightest hint that he knows how to speak in English... I don't know ok! I just have a feeling like he didn't wanna be here. His eyes were begging to go home, to be with friends he can have a decent conversation with.

Sobrang sakit talaga na makita si manong na ganon. Ewan ko ba, nakakainis na kelangan niyang maramdaman yung ganoong klaseng kalungkutan sa ganoong edad. SA GANOONG EDAD! Mamamatay nalang siya, hindi niya pa naenjoy yung natitirang oras niya. Nakakainis kasi, kasi walang choice. Pag umuwe siya ng Pinas, e sino magaalaga sakanya dun? E lahat ng pamilya niya asa Canada na. So ang choice niya nalang e tiisin ang kalungkutan dito sa ibang bansa kung saan lahat ay hindi pamilyar sakanya hanggang mamatay siya. Taena talaga kung nakita niyo lang yung mata ni koya. Muntik na ko umiyak kaya lang nagugutom na talaga ko ng mga panahong yun. 

This doesn't just go out to Filipino elderly. This feeling of being "out of place" also affects Filipino children and teenagers alike. Do you still remember your first day of school? and how difficult it is to decide where to sit and who to sit with during recess? Well it's like that for the rest of their adolescent life. I've heard several stories from mothers who petitioned their children here in Canada and how their kids resented them for doing so.

Alam mo yung nagkuskus ka ng ilang palapag na hagdan, naghugas ng puwet ng may puwet, mamuhay magisa ng mahabang panahon, nagtiis ng below 0 degrees sa pagaantay ng bus, para lang mabigyan ng masaganang buhay yung mga anak nila, tapos pag dating dito, ikaw pa yung mumurahin sa harap ng mga kaibigan mo. Yung sasabihin pang "Bakit mo pa kasi ako dinala-dala dito?" "Ang pangit pangit naman dito!", "Gusto ko ng umuwe!" Sa kabilang banda, naiintindihan ko yung mga anak e, naiintindihan ko na nasasaktan at nahihirapan sila sa kasalukuyang nangyayari sakanila. Mahirap talaga mag adjust. Ako nga sandamakmak yung mga reklamo ko nung bagong dating ko dito. At lumabas din sa bibig ko yang mga ganyang linyahan, pero sinarili ko lang. Wag mo naman ipamuka sa magulang mo diba? Pero kagaya nga nang sabi ko, "teenager" kadalasan ang nakaka experience nito, dun nalang natin isisi, sa kakulangan ng kaalaman.

Pero, dito ko rin naintindihan ng maigi kung gaano ka tatag, at kalakas ng loob ng mga babaeng expat. Kung mapapansin mo, kadalasan ng mga nagiibang bansa, mga nanay. Grabe yung abilidad nila. Yung kakayahan nilang magpakumbaba para tumanggap ng kahit anong trabaho. Yung kakayahan nilang makipag pakiusapan, at makipag bolahan para lang makuha ang gusto nila. Ang tapang nila. Hindi ko nilalahat, pero karamihan, tsismis lang ng mga nanay dito, yung mga asawa daw nila, napaka duwag. Mga dungo! Mga walang bibig. (haha sila nag sabi niyan a!) Yung mga nanay talaga yung naghahanap ng trabaho para sa mga asawa nila. Samantalang wala namang tumulong sakanila nung dumating sila dito. Nahihiya nga kasi yung mga lalaki, ma-pride daw. 

In their defense, though, It's just how it is. hahahaha sorry that's probably the worst defense ever. Pero hindi kasi sanay ung mga manong na inuutusan dito sa Pinas e. Wala sa sistema nila yung pagpapakumbaba. Lalo pa't ibang lahi yung maguutos. Masyadong masasaktan yung ego nila. Yun na siguro yung pinaka defense na gusto kong tukuyin. Depende narin talaga sa tao yun. Depende kung gaano ka secure yung tao sa sarili niya. Kung gaano ka lakas yung self-esteem niya, sa Pinas man, o sa ibang bansa.

Although it's a different story for Filipino immigrants who happen to live here for a while now. They've somehow attained this type of confidence, most especially when there are other Filipinos around.

Nung isang araw lang, habang nagaantay ako sa interview ko para sa US Visa, may Pinoy na mag-anak na nakaupo sa likuran ko. Ayun, andaming aberya sa mga requirements nila. Tipikal (hehe sorry). So ayun, may flash drive sa loob ng envelope ni ati. E bawal yun. Biglang tayo si ate, sabi:

Ati: "Ow I have USB on the envelope for the pictures, but it's okay if you churow it out, just churow it out. 

Me: *yaman ni ati...

Officer: Are you sure you wanna throw it out? 

Ati: Yes, just CHUROW it out.

Me: *ati throw, th-row..thhhh..

Officer: 'Coz if we put it in the garbage you won't be able to take it back..

Ati: Yes it's okay just CHUROW it out. I don't care.

Me: *trying to commit suicide internally

Wala naman kaso sakin kung "churow" niya bigkasin yun (pero meron talaga). Yung paraan niya lang ng pagkakasabi. Yung humahawi pa yung buhok niya. Alam mo yun, yung pinapaling-paling pa yung leeg, yung tipong, MGA MAHIHIRAP KAYO, NAGTATAPON LANG AKO NG USB, KAYA NIYO BA YUN... USB, TINATAPON KO LANG. MAYAMAN AKO, CHI-NUCHROW KO LANG ANG USB. I DON'T CARE.

There's also this Filipino family who became regular customers at work. They lived in Canada for quite some time now, and their kids were actually born here. I'm gonna tell it how it is okay, with judgments and shit. Well the parents don't exactly look rich. They are not exactly fluent, they don't appear intimidating,  but they are obnoxious as fuck. Napaka yabang, yung sobrang ere, shit, yung pumupose pa na kala mong sila may ari ng Subway. Yung shit koya ati, sa Subway kayo bumibili ng dinner, SUBWAY.

Alam mo yung tipikal na mahirap dati tapos nagkatrabaho lang tapos yumaman. Kumbaga pag magkukwento siya, laging isisingit yung mga achievements niya tyaka yung mga nabili niya. Yung ganong kaibigan mo? Lahat naman ata nakaranas no'n. Yung mapapakamot ka nalang. Yung mga reply mo nalang e, "Ganon po ba? haha, onga po e, oh?!, galing naman po pala, Kainggit naman kayo, Ang yaman niyo na pala no? Inggit na inggit talaga ko sanyo, grabe, shit, baka po gusto niyo nang bilhin yung store, baka kulang pa yung sandwich."

Nakakagago talaga yun, naapreciate ko naman din yung marunong mag Tagalog yung mga anak nila. Kung tutuusin, magalang yung mga anak nila. Pakiramdam ko nga nahihiya talaga yung mga anak sa mga pinagsasabi ng magulang nila. Ganon naman siguro talaga. Naappreciate ko yun. 

Tsaka okay yun, kadalasan, yung mga anak ng mga expat dito, may mga manners. Tsaka magagalang talaga. Ok talaga na magsanib pwersa yung "sense" ng Western culture at yung "values" ng Pinoy culture. 

I don't really have any beef with "Filipinos" who were born here. Whatever they've become, it has nothing to do with what ethnicity they're in. I think this is the part where we're having trouble in as a "people". Like we always claim someone to be FILIPINO even if they were born and raised abroad.

Tapos yung sasama pa loob natin pag hindi sila nag sabing "I'm proud to be Pinoy" Yung tipong, bakit??? Paano? Bakit sila obligadong sabihin yun? Pakialam ba nila, maliban sa Pinay yung nanay nila, at nakakatikim sila ng adobo once in a while, anong kaugnayan nila sa Pinas? Kumbaga anong dahilan para sabihin nilang Proud to be Pinoy sila? 

Tapos pag may puting gustong maging Pilipino, o nagustuhang manirahan dito sa Pinas, aangkinin natin. Tipong nakita niyo ba yung irony dun? Hindi na natin ginalang yung pagiging ibang lahi niya. Yung tipong pag yung Pinoy na lumaki sa Amerika sinabing proud Amerikan siya,

magaaklas na tayo, pero pag may puting nagsabing I'm proud to be Pinoy, halos isubo na natin yung paa sa tuwa. Kumbaga nakakaputangina talaga. Mababasa mo pa yung mga comment sa Youtube, jusku, maliban sa wrong gramming, jusku naman talaga, wala sa hulog.

Pero seryoso, sana hindi naman dumating sa ganon na dadating ako sa puntong puro "sense" nalang at wala ng "values". Sana hindi mawala yung pagiging skwater ng bibig ko, pati yung ugaling gago ko. Sana madagdagan lang ng konting culture. 

Sana lang ma-eliminate natin yung ganung paguugali. yung, masyadong matapobre dahil "times ganito" yung halaga ng pera natin kumpara sa pera sa Pinas. Hindi dahil ayaw kong sumama ang loob ng mga tao sa Pinas. Kundi para sagipin ka sa kahihiyan na matatanggap mo. Tumatalino na mga tao ngayon. Alam nila na sale lang talaga yang maong mo. Alam naman ng lahat na sa Dollar store ka lang namimili ng mga pasalubong. Na sa goodwill talaga galing yang mga alahas mo. Hindi mo na sila maloloko, kaya wag mo na ding lokohin yang sarili mo. 

I don't know why I feel so strongly about this. I guess I just hate it when Filipinos try to act like they're better than they're fellow Filipinos just because they live in a "better" country. Because it's not a fair fight. We expats may be living a better life here, and we can very much brag the shit out of our current situation, but we still do everything we can just to go back home for a vacation. We can do that. We are able to experience the life of pure convenience abroad and the life of pure bliss at home. They don't have that privilege. So why shove it in their faces?

Wala naman akong intensyon na igeneralize lahat ng Pinoy abroad. Lahat naman siguro ng lahi may flaws. Nagkataon lang na Pinoy antics yung pinapansin ko kasi sympre Pinoy ako. Alangan pansinin ko pa yung sa iba, bibo ko naman. 

Pero me ganon talaga e. Dami din, sa mga usapan dito, yung mga mahahangin na Pinoy na naging permanent resident na dito. Mejo mapagmataas na. Siguro ganun talaga pag di nakaranas ng kaalwahan dati. Masakit man tanggapin. (tangina ang jerk ko dito). 

Kaya, please, pag uwe ko, kung marinig niyo kong nag i-English habang umoorder sa Starbucks, please paki batukan ako ng isa't i-churow niyo ko sa labas ng store. Just churow me out. I don't care.