Naghalong tuwa, dismaya, at pagtataka yung naramdaman ko nung nakita kong naka tago sa sulok yung isang kaha kong yosi sa may kabinet. Tuwa kasi laptrip, parang, bat andito to?! Dismaya kasi alam na ng mga magulang ko na dinala ko pa yung bisyo ko sa Canada, pagtataka kasi, ba't tinago pa nila? Bat hindi nalang rektang tinapon? Alam siguro nilang magwawala ako pag nalaman ko, 14$ ba naman isang kaha nyeta! 504 PESOS SA PINAS ang bente-pirasong nirolyong cancer.
I was 15 when I started experimenting with cigarettes. Experimenting because I never really started smoking at that age, wait, I mean, I tried it when I was 15 but never really pursued it. I just really wanna know what the deal is. I've always been curious about a lot of things. And smoking is basically the rite of passage to a very insecure life as a teenager. You just have to do it. Thing is, believe it or not, HAHA, I never intended my peers to know about it. It wasn't a cry for attention 'coz God knows I hate attention. I know it doesn't seem like it, now that I published this blog online, but I never really wanted drama. You know?, just, I hate complications and questions and explanations and all that shit. So, I never felt the need to brag about it. It didn't matter anyway 'coz again, I never really got in to it. I only smoked when I'm home alone, or if I'm waiting for a bus, or just waiting for someone. It was never really my thing, it didn't feel like a big deal. I was just curious.
I was always curious. I dunno. I have this fucked up thirst for answers and experiences. There's this immense need for me to try different things. Like there's something in me that wants to experience things that are just, plainly stupid. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not adventurous. Not at all. I wouldn't dare trying all shits, just shits that interests me, even if it's a bit fucked up, and unnecessary, and a bit peculiar.
Pero yosi lang talaga. Yosi at inom lang ang naging bisyo ko hanggang ngayon. Na normal naman siguro. Ang boring nga e. Pero, ewan ko ba, hindi naman talaga ako malakas mag yosi, kasi hindi naman ako dumating sa puntong hinahanap-hanap ko siya. Kagaya ng mga naririnig ko sa mga tropa ko pag-ginigiyang sila. O sa mga napapanood ko sa TV na adik na adik talaga. Tipong hindi ko ata naramdaman yung adiksyon na yun. Kasi una, sa inuman ko lang naman naranasan yung makaubos ng isa o dalawang kaha sa isang upuan. Pero pag tapos na yung inuman, wala narin yung yosi.
Dumating din naman ako sa punto na naglalaan talaga ko ng budget para sa mga bisyo ko. Tipong me alokasyon talaga para sa half-pack na lights, na 30 pesos, tapos yung 70 pesos pang ambag sa alak, tapos yung mga barya barya pang bili ng sugo, tapos yung 50 pang sugal na. Pero hindi talaga ko mabisyo. Pag sinabi mo kasing mabisyo, madalasan. Yung parte na ng sistema mo. Me pakiramdam ka na kelangan mong gawin yung mga bagay na yun hindi lang dahil nagpapasaya ito sayo, kundi dahil hindi mo narin talaga kayang pigilan yung sarili mong hindi gawin tong mga to. Bisyo yung mga bagay na hindi mo maamin sa sarili mo na meron ka kahit alam na ng lahat ng nasa paligid mo.
Pero nung college, naalala ko lang kung pano kami mag inuman nun after class araw-araw. Yung kahit may signal no. 3 na bagyo naka uniform ako para lang magkaraoon ng baon. Yung naka uniform ka nga pero naka rubber shoes hahahaha, sabay bihis ng civilian sa loob ng tricycle para lang hindi maka-miss ng session.
Pero mga bata, wag n'yong tutularan to huh. Mga propesyonal lang ang gumagawa nito. Pero dahil may posibilidad na mabasa ng mga relatibs ko to, gusto ko lang sabihin na hanggang 50 pesos lang ang hingi ko ng baon pag sa mga inuman. The rest ay ipon ko na, sakripisyo ng hindi pag-eextra rice at hindi pagbili ng malinis na tubig. Ipon na galing sa pagtiya-tiyaga sa paglalakad sa creek araw-araw. At higit sa lahat, bago ko gawin to, sinigurado kong matataas mga grades ko. Parang hindi naman talaga naka apekto yung pagloloko sa pagaaral ko e. Ewan ko ba, nakatulong pa nga e, kasi pakiramdam ko yun ung reward ko every time perfect yung exams ko. Inspirasyon ba.
Alam ko napaka yabang ko na, haha, pero sa mga estudyanteng makakabasa neto, try niyo lang, pwede naman magaral at mag"loko" ng sabay e. Time management lang talaga at matindihang tiwala sa sarile na hindi ka mapapariwara.
I dunno, I guess this is mainly the reason why I feel
confident that I can get away with all the shits that I've done and plan on doing. I wanna believe I earned it. Because at the end of the day, I still look forward to being a responsible adult. Satisfying my curiosity is all I ever wanted anyway, it should never define who I am in the long run.
I know it doesn't make sense. I promise you it will once I'm done with what I'm about to do. I wish I can still be lucid by that time. I wish I still have full control of my reality.
This is NOT about drugs.
I have always wanted to try it, but probably never will. I'm just so fascinated by the idea of understanding what the deal is. Especially when you watch videos of people doing it, it looks so inviting. Thing is I'm scared that it will actually do physical damage to my brain, which I consider my limit. I mean what's the point if I will not be able to think straight and understand the whole thing afterwards. The only reason why I wanted to try it in the first place is to study the experience.
Just plain curiosity.
But doing drugs, that's where I draw the line. I wouldn't risk losing my mind to something so... something so predictable. But who knows, maybe one day I get really really curious and give in. I dunno. Probably not though. Not until I'm done with all my obligations in life. So yeah, I'll probably try it, once I'm done with being an adult.
My vices doesn't control me and my decisions in life. I mean come on, smoking and alcohol are not exactly a big fucking deal, especially in this day and age. Fuck some kids today are even doing drugs on a regular basis. Some even consider smoking marijuana as a mainstream act. And I honestly haven't even tried it yet. haha. I told you I'm lame as fuck. Well I tried it ONCE! I mean just once, and I didn't even feel anything. My friends told me it was quality made, but I never really get the hype. I dunno, maybe I should give it another try. My parents should be very proud of me all things considered.
Speaking of parents, I still don't know how they will react once they realized I took my cigarettes back. I feel so bad for them honestly. I'm pretty sure they blame themselves for my smoking, especially my dad who once was a smoker too. He had to stop the moment he became a resident in Canada. I never wanted them to know anyway. That's what they get for going through my things without my permission.
That'll show them.
But seriously though, I hate that they think that smoking is actually an issue. Maybe if they caught me in high school, I'd understand. But I'm fucking 25 years old. Shit I'm practically the man of the house now. I could actually move out and start my own family if I wanted to. In fact, I shouldn't be even hiding this from them by now. The only reason why I had to is out of respect. I also didn't want my dad to feel like he's responsible or that he influenced me in some way. Like fuck! I hope they understand that the world doesn't revolve around them.
I think what really makes me so angry is the thought that I am not capable of doing bad things. They have this unrealistic notion that I'm a fucking saint. Which is incredibly insulting if you ask me. Fuck if only they knew.
As I'm typing this, I'm slowly realizing that maybe the reason why I did what I've done, is to prove to myself that I can do wrong. That I am flawed. That I am far from the pedestal they chained me in to.
I just hope that they understand that it's never been their fault. And that they can no longer do anything about my decisions in life, 'coz even if they do, I won't let them. Children should learn their limits. Parents even more. I know that I will never fully understand how they feel until it happens to me personally, pero ewan ko ba... malalaman nalang natin siguro.
I'm kinda proud of myself. I hurt for my parents yes. But I'm really happy that I was able to control my vices and not the other way around. I still am proud that I was able to fight off some serious temptations back when I'm still working on my self-esteem and my insecurities.
Masaya lang talaga na hindi ako lumaking "perpekto". Sarap sa pakiramdam na may mga bagay kang nagawa na hindi mo aakalaing magagawa mo. Kelangan mo lang talaga siguraduhin na kaya ng sistema mo yung bisyo mo. At higit sa lahat, siguraduhin mong sarili mo lang yung sisirain mo sa bandang huli.
SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT! FUCK!! pipicturan ko dapat yung yosi ko para sa post nato, pero pag check ko sa bag ko wala na ulit! Fuck! Fuck! Hindi talaga ako adik sa yosi pero FUCK!! 30 minutes kong hinagilap sa mga kabinet ng kusina namin. Hindi talaga ko mahilig magyosi pero asan na kaya yun?! 14$ yun! Shiiieiieieieieet!!
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