Hindi Tinisyu Ni Tatay, Hindi Inire Ni Nanay, Sino Ako?

I just wanna say, FIRST AND FOREMOST, that I have no intentions of sounding like I know everything about this issue. I also do NOT want to undermine the feelings (or the life choices) of anyone who is directly affected by this kind of ordeal. My opinion on this matter solely depends on the stories my friends and family shared with me. I even had to ask a couple of them for permission to share their personal experiences, and they all agreed, granted I won't mention any names. 

Whew! Glad I got that out.

Bastards. I had to google the best political term available for this post to avoid offending anyone. But I guess the more I look into it, the more offensive it gets. And yes, this is the answer to the riddle.

I received a text from a friend one morning that urged me to contemplate about illegitimacy, and all the drama that comes with it. The text was very alarming that I couldn't help thinking about putting myself in that situation. I wonder how I would react, or feel if I am in the center of all the commotion.

This for me is a very sensitive topic, as you can see with that corny-ass disclaimer on the first paragraph. I was back and forth with the idea of writing a post about illegitimate kids or unfaithfulness because I realized how common it is to probably everyone that I know. I seriously can't think of anyone that I'm close with that doesn't have any issues with cheating, marital problems, broken families, bastards and the likes. I mean can you? Wow, I didn't think I'd be shock with that realization considering how "open-minded" I am with these kinds of stuff. But yeah. That's fucked up. 

It's funny, 'coz growing up, my immediate family never had any problems with any of these. Consequently, I never had anything to share during inuman sessions, or recollections. 

Tandang tanda ko pa nung 1st year college, inggit na inggit ako sa mga kaklase kong may mga sob stories. Kasi iyak sila ng iyak tuwing sharing sa recollection, tapos ako kabadong-kabado kasi wala akong mashare na nakakaiyak.

Pinipilit ko pa talagang umiyak o mag-isip ng mga nakakalungkot na pwedeng pang MMK, pero wala talaga. Dumating pa sa puntong nag-iimbento nalang ako ng storya kagaya ng pinamigay  daw ako nung bata ako para lang may maikwento lang. Pasensya na sa mga naloko ko, pero nakakapressure kaya pag ikaw na nakasalo nung bola! Tapos lahat nakatingin sayo nag-eexpect na kapost-post sa bulletin ng Friendster yung life story mo. 

But anyway, hearing stories from my peers about their relationship with their family is incredibly humbling. Heartbreaking yes, but it will make you feel grateful of how mundane your life is. As a listener, it will also make you realize and understand why people behave the way they do. It all goes back to what they were exposed to as a kid. 

I am fortunate enough to be very good friends with people who have very interesting backgrounds. I have friends who were born in to a broken family. A friend that never knew one of his parents. A friend who has half brothers and sisters, A friend who was the "second family". They all get to share their stories during get-togethers and share different opinions from their own perspective. It's nice 'coz it allows you to see things in a different light. 

Growing up, I have never understood why everyone can't just get along. Why do children from the first and the second (or the third, kung bibo si tatang) have to be involved in the whole drama. Why can't they just sit down and straighten things out, being that they never had a say on the matter in the first place.  

Usesero't useserang gatong sa kwentuhan: Hindi naman kasalanan ng mga bata.

Si first family: E hindi kasi ikaw ang nasa sitwasyon.

Usesero't useserang gatong sa kwentuhan: Nandiyan na yan e, tanggapin nalang.

Si first family: Hindi mo alam ang pakiramdam.

Usesero't useserang gatong sa kwentuhan: Eeee basta tama ako. Dapat positibo lage! Kasi love is the answer! Forgive and forget. Time heals all wounds. Perfect ako. 

Si first family: Sino ka nga pala ulit? 

The fucked up thing is, it is true, the children are innocent from all the shits their parents made in the past. They really didn't ask for any of these. They were just a result of a natural, a biological, phenomenon, that is, two consenting adults literally fucking each other up in the name of infidelity, or love, or just plain lust. It doesn't matter. A child is born out of wedlock, and will be raised thinking they are lesser beings than those who were born under the sacred vow of marriage. And it just doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense to be mad at them for being born into this mess.

But somehow, they still get to carry that burden. Somehow the legitimate family still has this hatred towards them. And to be honest, can you blame them? These kids are basically a constant reminder of their parents' infidelity. A reminder that their whole foundation of morality has been tarnished. A scar of betrayal from their supposed role models. 

I was talking to a friend who was a part of the "second family" earlier. The friend is lucky to have a mother who turned her life around and made decent life choices amidst the whole thing. The mother was accepting, and confident of their status in the society. To be fair, my friend's parents actually love each other. I say that because I can still see the father dropping by every now and then to spend time with them. Which is nice. Again, I know people will feel salty as fuck, but the father ACCEPTED and ACKNOWLEDGED the "other family" which I feel is quite a step-up from his previous decisions. (that was an understatement). But yeah, good on the mom for being independent and not settle for being another percentage of women who gets solely blamed for the insertion of a married penis into her lascivious vagina.  

Nangyari na nga kasi. Tapos na. Anjan na tayo. Matanda narin yung kaibigan ko para maging makitid pa yung pagiisip niya sa sitwasyon ng pamilya niya. Kung tutuusin, wala na naman siyang pakialam talaga. Siguro dahil narin sa haba ng panahon na nakalipas. At dahil narin siguro sa sitwasyon na kinalagyan niya. E asa "second family" siya e. E pano naman yung pakiramdam ng asa "first". 

Masakit naman talaga na habang lumalaki ka, nararamdaman mo na hindi buo ang pagtanggap sayo ng sinasabi nilang pamilya mo "rin". Na kahit anong pabibo at pagiging magalang mo, ay hindi parin sapat para kagiliwan ka nila. 

Meron pang instance na inimbita ka sa isang family party, tapos ikaw lang magisa, umaasang kakausapin ka ng mga half-brothers at sisters mo, na, yayayain ka nila sa mesa nila para salo-salo kayong kumain. Darating sa puntong gutom na gutom ka na, pero hindi ka mabigyan ng lakas ng loob para tumayo at kumuha ng pagkain, dahil naunahan ka ng takot na baka titigan ka ulo hanggang paa habang kumukuha ng paper plates. Kinakabahan kang tawaging palamunin at bastardo. Kaya mas pinili mo nalang tiisin ang gutom at umupo sa sulok, hanggang me pumansin sayong hindi mo kaano-ano, para alukin kang kumain. 

Kwento ng kaibigan ko, ang pinaka masakit na parte daw sa ganong set-up e yung kelangang pag-awayan ang mga ari-arian. Kung tutuusin, malaking bagay naman talaga yun lalo na kung kayo yung "una". Pero kung ikaw yung pangalawa, parang iisipin mo kung hanggang saan ba yung karapatan mo? Nakakapagod.

Wala naman daw balak humati yung kaibigan ko sa mana. Bahala na sila dun. Labas na siya sa gulo. Masaya nalang siya at naaalagaan niya ang tatay niya- Ang tanging koneksyon niya sa grupo ng mga taong may parehas na dugong kagaya ng sakanya.   

It is not the children's fault. I can't stress this enough, in the same way that I can't possibly understand what the "first family" is feeling. They were the victims in the first place. But until when? Until when can they play the victim card, until when will they feel like they've been robbed of a better childhood. I don't know. I just can't possibly imagine myself holding that kind of grudge for the rest of my life. Especially when I know for a fact that none of the events in the past has a hold on me anymore. 

But one thing remains though, the one thing that baffles me. No matter how unfaithful a parent is to your other parent, it seems that the children still manage to feel a bit of connection to the former. I guess family is family after all. You can hate them all you want, but, still, family. Good for the parent though. It ain't a perfect relationship, but a relationship nonetheless. 

So I'm just thinking, so what if I'm personally involved in this kind of messed up family drama. How would I feel. Honestly, I don't really... I guess I will definitely NOT get mad. I'm more sorry that it has to happen. I am gonna feel so sorry for the parent who made a "mistake". Because, I know I would not want to be a part of that mess. HAHA I'm sorry, What I mean, is that, you know... I have a lot on my plate right now. I dunno, hypothetically, if it happens to me, would I accept him as my half-brother? I wanna say yes... but.. Imma say no AS OF THE MOMENT. Ok?! WTF?! Well in my defense, Hypothetically, I don't have any bond with the kid, like, it's more like, so, are you gonna ask for money when you grow up or what? 'Coz I'm pretty strict with my savings... so maybe you could reach out to my older brother? K? Aryt, see you next decade year? And don't get me started with the "third-party". Although thinking that the "third-party" has to swallow every bit of dignity to have an affair with a married individual is sad enough. I'm doing my hardest to rise up and become a better person, I just can't waste any more of my time and energy to go back to the pits where that person belongs.

I dunno ok! I haven't had the privilege of having a half-bro/sis, but the fuck! I just hope if it does happen, I just hope it wouldn't blow up in our faces. Fuck I hate drama, so I would really like it low-key.

And I wish, it would be decent. You know what I mean? I hope it's civil and shit. Although if I'm wishing for things, I hope either of my parents would just keep it to themselves huh. 

We'll see... Fuck if worse comes to worst, sana talaga mas matalino't gwapo ako sa bata. Taena taob na nga ako sa ligal na kapatid ko, sa hypothetical ko pang kapatid. Jusku kawawa naman ako. Ako talaga yung biktima e.

"Bri Coffee, Beer?"

People always seem to under-appreciate the value of a good conversation. A meaningful conversation with someone over coffee or beer, could lead into something very constructive. It will open your mind to so many possibilities and realizations that you wouldn't have thought of yourself. 

See, my mind is pretty messed up, and there are so many things that I wanna say but I always seem to prevent myself from sharing it with people, mainly because I think it's not the right place, or the right time, and mostly because I just don't think people will care or should care. So I decide to shut up most of the time. This made me more of a listener than a talker. I prefer it anyway. I like listening to people's stories and personal experiences. I like that I am able to understand their perspective on something. They say experience is the best teacher. Although it didn't necessarily say whose. Whether it's your experience or someone else's, it could still teach you a hell of a lot. You don't really need to shoot yourself in the head with a gun to know it will kill you.

However, always being the listener could take a toll on you. It could be very exhausting. It is so overly selfless you tend to hate the person you're talking with. The worst part is it's not their fault at all. You allow yourself to be someone else's outlet for so many times that you feel resentment towards them and to yourself.

Knowing you changed that. You made it so easy for me to be genuine and honest all the time. It made me realize that I'm not alone in all the shits that I'm going through. I learned to speak my mind truthfully. You opened both your ears and your mind for what I have to say. And you were OKAY with it. You accepted my demons, with or without judgement. It didn't really matter, what's important is you never made me feel ashamed about it. And for that, breathing comes so easy. My train of thought never had to falter when I'm talking to you. My heart beats at a comfortable pace. I was able to look in your eyes without having to lie. It is an honest conversation.

I will forever be thankful that I didn't go home right after class, and instead I decided to pass my time seating on a bench with you by the dumpster. 

There are so many turning points in my life that I will surely remember, but that moment on that wooden bench, will remain as a check-point, a some sort of memento that I will forever look back on to.

That moment was a wake up call. In that very moment, I realized that life is so much bigger than what I imagined. You taught me how to dream. You did that. I always knew I'm gonna go places, literally and figuratively, but I never really understood what the first step is, and its importance. You've shaken my whole perspective about the future and shown me that dreams can be achieved. See, I'm realistic as fuck, I know you think you are too, but, honestly, haha you're not. And that's okay. Because unlike me, you are not afraid to dream big. You are not afraid to take the first step. You seem to push yourself to the limit without compromising your happiness. And I admire that about you. You made it look so easy even when it's fucking not. You inspired me to trust in myself and myself alone. That my capabilities are enough to become somebody. You lead by example. You may be a dreamer, but you never settled on being one for a long time.

Looking back on our talks, I realized the million conversations we had about our let-downs. There were SO MANY shitty things that have happened to the both of us and yet, we seem to shake them off with a cup of coffee. The long talks from 6 pm till midnight seems to be enough time to forget about our problems. Every time we say goodbye by the end of the night, I feel like my life has been refreshed or rebooted, it's a brand new start.

Now, It's been a year since we last grabbed a cup of coffee with a pack of cigarettes on our sides, or ordered a plate of sisig while insulting the band on the stage at Giligan's. One year. 

I guess we survived it, a life without our talks and our drinks. But it is not a life that I look forward to.

We're both doing everything thing we can to realize the dreams we had talked about on that wooden bench. Funny thing is, I didn't think for a second that we will get to this point. I didn't think our little dreams would actually come true. It's still so vivid how we laughed about how ridiculous we sounded back then. One puff at a time. 

But yeah, I guess dreams could come true. It just needs a little push. A cup of coffee or a bottle of beer. 

And someone who believes in you. 

Adik Sa Yo**

Ang saya-saya kong nag-sasalansan ng mga napamili kong mga groceries sa kusina namin. Edi ayun, pasok ng mga karne sa freezer, lagay ng mga delata sa pantry, lagay ng tsitsirya sa kabinet.... Shit! yosi ko to ah?! 

Naghalong tuwa, dismaya, at pagtataka yung naramdaman ko nung nakita kong naka tago sa sulok yung isang kaha kong yosi sa may kabinet. Tuwa kasi laptrip, parang, bat andito to?! Dismaya kasi alam na ng mga magulang ko na dinala ko pa yung bisyo ko sa Canada, pagtataka kasi, ba't tinago pa nila? Bat hindi nalang rektang tinapon? Alam siguro nilang magwawala ako pag nalaman ko, 14$ ba naman isang kaha nyeta! 504 PESOS SA PINAS ang bente-pirasong nirolyong cancer. 

I was 15 when I started experimenting with cigarettes. Experimenting because I never really started smoking at that age, wait, I mean, I tried it when I was 15 but never really pursued it. I just really wanna know what the deal is. I've always been curious about a lot of things. And smoking is basically the rite of passage to a very insecure life as a teenager. You just have to do it. Thing is, believe it or not, HAHA, I never intended my peers to know about it. It wasn't a cry for attention 'coz God knows I hate attention. I know it doesn't seem like it, now that I published this blog online, but I never really wanted drama. You know?, just, I hate complications and questions and explanations and all that shit. So, I never felt the need to brag about it. It didn't matter anyway 'coz again, I never really got in to it. I only smoked when I'm home alone, or if I'm waiting for a bus, or just waiting for someone. It was never really my thing, it didn't feel like a big deal. I was just curious.

I was always curious. I dunno. I have this fucked up thirst for answers and experiences. There's this immense need for me to try different things. Like there's something in me that wants to experience things that are just, plainly stupid. Don't get me wrong though, I'm not adventurous. Not at all. I wouldn't dare trying all shits, just shits that interests me, even if it's a bit fucked up, and unnecessary, and a bit peculiar.

Pero yosi lang talaga. Yosi at inom lang ang naging bisyo ko hanggang ngayon. Na normal naman siguro. Ang boring nga e. Pero, ewan ko ba, hindi naman talaga ako malakas mag yosi, kasi hindi naman ako dumating sa puntong hinahanap-hanap ko siya. Kagaya ng mga naririnig ko sa mga tropa ko pag-ginigiyang sila. O sa mga napapanood ko sa TV na adik na adik talaga. Tipong hindi ko ata naramdaman yung adiksyon na yun. Kasi una, sa inuman ko lang naman naranasan yung makaubos ng isa o dalawang kaha sa isang upuan. Pero pag tapos na yung inuman, wala narin yung yosi.

Dumating din naman ako sa punto na naglalaan talaga ko ng budget para sa mga bisyo ko. Tipong me alokasyon talaga para sa half-pack na lights, na 30 pesos, tapos yung 70 pesos pang ambag sa alak, tapos yung mga barya barya pang bili ng sugo, tapos yung 50 pang sugal na. Pero hindi talaga ko mabisyo. Pag sinabi mo kasing mabisyo, madalasan. Yung parte na ng sistema mo. Me pakiramdam ka na kelangan mong gawin yung mga bagay na yun hindi lang dahil nagpapasaya ito sayo, kundi dahil hindi mo narin talaga kayang pigilan yung sarili mong hindi gawin tong mga to. Bisyo yung mga bagay na hindi mo maamin sa sarili mo na meron ka kahit alam na ng lahat ng nasa paligid mo.

Pero nung college, naalala ko lang kung pano kami mag inuman nun after class araw-araw. Yung kahit may signal no. 3  na bagyo naka uniform ako para lang magkaraoon ng baon. Yung naka uniform ka nga pero naka rubber shoes hahahaha, sabay bihis ng civilian sa loob ng tricycle para lang hindi maka-miss ng session. 

Pero mga bata, wag n'yong tutularan to huh. Mga propesyonal lang ang gumagawa nito. Pero dahil may posibilidad na mabasa ng mga relatibs ko to, gusto ko lang sabihin na hanggang 50 pesos lang ang hingi ko ng baon pag sa mga inuman. The rest ay ipon ko na, sakripisyo ng hindi pag-eextra rice at hindi pagbili ng malinis na tubig. Ipon na galing sa pagtiya-tiyaga sa paglalakad sa creek araw-araw. At higit sa lahat, bago ko gawin to, sinigurado kong matataas mga grades ko. Parang hindi naman talaga naka apekto yung pagloloko sa pagaaral ko e. Ewan ko ba, nakatulong pa nga e, kasi pakiramdam ko yun ung reward ko every time perfect yung exams ko. Inspirasyon ba.

Alam ko napaka yabang ko na, haha, pero sa mga estudyanteng makakabasa neto, try niyo lang, pwede naman magaral at mag"loko" ng sabay e. Time management lang talaga at matindihang tiwala sa sarile na hindi ka mapapariwara.

I dunno, I guess this is mainly the reason why I feel

confident that I can get away with all the shits that I've done and plan on doing. I wanna believe I earned it. Because at the end of the day, I still look forward to being a responsible adult. Satisfying my curiosity is all I ever wanted anyway, it should never define who I am in the long run. 

I know it doesn't make sense. I promise you it will once I'm done with what I'm about to do. I wish I can still be lucid by that time. I wish I still have full control of my reality.

This is NOT about drugs.

I have always wanted to try it, but probably never will. I'm just so fascinated by the idea of understanding what the deal is. Especially when you watch videos of people doing it, it looks so inviting. Thing is I'm scared that it will actually do physical damage to my brain, which I consider my limit. I mean what's the point if I will not be able to think straight and understand the whole thing afterwards. The only reason why I wanted to try it in the first place is to study the experience. 

Just plain curiosity.

But doing drugs, that's where I draw the line. I wouldn't risk losing my mind to something so... something so predictable. But who knows, maybe one day I get really really curious and give in. I dunno. Probably not though. Not until I'm done with all my obligations in life. So yeah, I'll probably try it, once I'm done with being an adult.

My vices doesn't control me and my decisions in life. I mean come on, smoking and alcohol are not exactly a big fucking deal, especially in this day and age. Fuck some kids today are even doing drugs on a regular basis. Some even consider smoking marijuana as a mainstream act. And I honestly haven't even tried it yet. haha. I told you I'm lame as fuck. Well I tried it ONCE! I mean just once, and I didn't even feel anything. My friends told me it was quality made, but I never really get the hype. I dunno, maybe I should give it another try. My parents should be very proud of me all things considered.

Speaking of parents, I still don't know how they will react once they realized I took my cigarettes back. I feel so bad for them honestly. I'm pretty sure they blame themselves for my smoking, especially my dad who once was a smoker too. He had to stop the moment he became a resident in Canada. I never wanted them to know anyway. That's what they get for going through my things without my permission.

That'll show them. 

But seriously though, I hate that they think that smoking is actually an issue. Maybe if they caught me in high school, I'd understand. But I'm fucking 25 years old. Shit I'm practically the man of the house now. I could actually move out and start my own family if I wanted to. In fact, I shouldn't be even hiding this from them by now. The only reason why I had to is out of respect. I also didn't want my dad to feel like he's responsible or that he influenced me in some way. Like fuck! I hope they understand that the world doesn't revolve around them. 

I think what really makes me so angry is the thought that I am not capable of doing bad things. They have this unrealistic notion that I'm a fucking saint. Which is incredibly insulting if you ask me. Fuck if only they knew. 

As I'm typing this, I'm slowly realizing that maybe the reason why I did what I've done, is to prove to myself that I can do wrong. That I am flawed. That I am far from the pedestal they chained me in to. 

I just hope that they understand that it's never been their fault. And that they can no longer do anything about my decisions in life, 'coz even if they do, I won't let them. Children should learn their limits. Parents even more. I know that I will never fully understand how they feel until it happens to me personally, pero ewan ko ba... malalaman nalang natin siguro.

I'm kinda proud of myself. I hurt for my parents yes. But I'm really happy that I was able to control my vices and not the other way around. I still am proud that I was able to fight off some serious temptations back when I'm still working on my self-esteem and my insecurities. 

Masaya lang talaga na hindi ako lumaking "perpekto". Sarap sa pakiramdam na may mga bagay kang nagawa na hindi mo aakalaing magagawa mo. Kelangan mo lang talaga siguraduhin na kaya ng sistema mo yung bisyo mo. At higit sa lahat, siguraduhin mong sarili mo lang yung sisirain mo sa bandang huli. 

SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT! FUCK!! pipicturan ko dapat yung yosi ko para sa post nato, pero pag check ko sa bag ko wala na ulit! Fuck! Fuck! Hindi talaga ako adik sa yosi pero FUCK!! 30 minutes kong hinagilap sa mga kabinet ng kusina namin. Hindi talaga ko mahilig magyosi pero asan na kaya yun?! 14$ yun! Shiiieiieieieieet!!

Para Sa Mga Amoy Irish Spring

Pambihira AUGUST NA? Parang kelan lang nung naglilinis ako ng kwarto ko't nag iisip kung i-eempake ko pa yung mga t-shirt kong mga tig-tu-two hundred o yung mga i-slong i-sleeves lang. 

Dumating pa ko sa nililingon-lingon ko yung mga dingding ng bahay namin para di ko makalimutan. Yung tipong nagpaalam pa ko isa-isa sa mga appliances. August 12, 2015. Isang taon na palang nakalipas, dang bilis e.

I never thought it would be this quick. Shit. I know time goes by real fast but fuck! A lot has happened in the past year but somehow I can't seem to remember one significant highlight during those times. There are quite a few moments, like, going around tourist destinations in the first few months living here, and... uhm... well... I guess that's it. The rest was all work and groceries, and more work. 

There might not be a lot of memorable moments in my life right now, but there are quite a lot of realizations, which are more important to me to be honest. One that interests me the most in being an immigrant, is being able to scrutinize the lifestyle of other Filipino expats here abroad. If you don't know by now, I could go a little overboard in observing the Filipino culture and lifestyle. 

So, even before I got here, I was already thinking about doing an essay about how we Filipinos live in a different country. Because we always hear stories about balikbayans who allegedly changes their entire lifestyle every time they go back home. Tipong nakapag sabon lang ng Dove kala mong allergic na sa alikabok. Samantalang dati Perla lang naman ang gamit, shina-shampoo pa.

But seriously, we all know that one balikbayan who acts differently as soon as they get out of the country.

Lahat tayo me mga kamaganak o kaibigan na nakapag abroad lang, natuto nang mag suot ng boots kahit El Nino talaga. Yung tipong sa inuman ang mga linyahan e, "Alam mo sa states..., Walang ganyan sa... Kaya ibang iba talaga buhay sa..., Nako sa..., Bulok talaga dito e, di gaya sa..." Yung tipong ung mga kainuman niya e tatango-tango nalang, tapos yung iba makikigatong pa, sipsip hanggang sakanya mapunta yung rubber shoes na red, hindi yung black huh, dapat yung red. 

What I don't understand, and want to understand, is did it change over time? Was there a change in how we perceive Filipinos abroad? Because back then, there's this certain glory, or mystique that is attached to an OFW. It's almost as if people back home worship them. 

Jusku iniisip ko palang yung mga gusto kong sabihin, sumisikip na yung dibdib ko. Naaalala ko lang yung mga pagkakataon na may uuweng balikabayan.  Bat ganooon tayooo.. Sipsip dito sipsip doon, nagmukhang pagawaan ng Tupperware yung compound sa dami ng plastik sa daan. Si kapitbahay, si second cousin, si third cousin, si kapitbahay ni pinsan, si asawa ng kabit ng pinsan ng panglawang tiyuhin ng kabit sa pangalawang asawa ng hindi mo kaano-ano, lahat yan ipagdiriwang ang muli mong pagbabalik. Alang alang sa sa isang pakete ng Irish Spring at Butterfinger.

That was before. Nowadays, I think people are starting to realize that life abroad is not as fancy as they thought it would be. It probably has something to do with the ease in communication these days. Friends and family back home can actually keep track on what's happening with their love ones abroad. They can read the sentiments and see the pictures of what their relatives do for a living.

Nakikita nila na nagpapicture lang talaga sa harap ng Hermes na shop, o umiinom ng starbucks kahit share share lang naman talaga sa isang baso.

Unlike before where there seems to be a certain mystery that can create a facade of grandiosity. People can assume that life outside the Philippines is easy. They can speculate how much money the OFW earns in a month. Today, love ones abroad is just a click away. You can actually message people and ask for money, and they can immediately respond to you and refuse. They can tell you that they also have no money to lend, which eliminates the idea that OFW's are instant millionaires.

Although, there is still a bit of a reputation when you live abroad. People still think you're a bit "richer" than most. I mean, they're technically right, 'cause currencies abroad have greater value compared to our Peso, but I could go on with the "living expenses" bullshit, but it's quite tired and it's kinda boring. I guess what I'm trying to say is that we have to understand the kind of life OFW's have before we conclude things. Before you even think of asking money from them, you might wanna think of the things she has to do to earn that money. But most importantly, you have to extremely evaluate yourself and your relationship with the person. I mean who the fuck are you to her? What have you done to her to merit the loan? Besides being a relative, do you think your happiness is more important than hers? Do you even consider that the person also has to save for the future, that she's not working 44 hours a week plus part-times for your sake. So maybe consider that. Think carefully whether or not being a parasite your whole life is worth it.

Anyway, those are my sentiments for Overseas Filipino Workers who are mostly staying in a foreign country for just a period of time. Being an immigrant though, is a different story. 

Having to live permanently in a new environment, you don't exactly worry about the people that you left behind financially, because it's more likely that the ones you care about most are also living with you. I mean of course you still feel obligated to help out once in a while, but you don't really have to worry about being treated differently in your visits back home, you know what I mean? Like you don't really need to "show off" because,  I guess you know you'd be spending the rest of your life far far away and there's just no point. Do you know what I mean? 'Coz I'm kinda having troubles myself.

Anyway, earlier, I was at a liquidation store shopping for things that I don't really need, you know, like a typical Filipino immigrant. I'm not surprised that there were a lot of Filipinos in there, because why not? Although there are also a lot of white people around and some other nationalities too. So while I was falling in line to pay for stuff, a Filipino senior citizen who's ahead, keeps on looking back at me. He seems to be wanting to catch my gaze or something, so I took off my earphones to check if he's speaking to me. And he was. So I immediately apologized and asked him what's up, He then smiled at me and looked very excited that I was also speaking the same language as he is. So of course, I got into a small talk with him, if you can call it that, I remember just responding with, opo, po, ganun po ba, oo nga po hehe, opo. But nonetheless, I felt like he really enjoyed having a "conversation" with someone "familiar". I also noticed that he is almost tearing up, or maybe I'm just imagining things. He could probably just have an eye condition. I dunno. But it really broke my heart a bit. Because I actually understand what he's feeling, well not entirely. 

See, I'm young, I have my whole life ahead of me. I can adjust to my situation. I can speak the language fluently. I can still have an option to live my life here in Canada or back home in the Philippines. He doesn't have that option. He probably was just forced by his son to move in here thinking it would be better for his dad. The son must've thought that the free medical check-ups would make his dad's life better. I can tell that he just got here not long ago. Because he didn't have confidence at all! He was looking down most of the time. He was dressed like he was going to a cock-pit, He didn't have the slightest hint that he knows how to speak in English... I don't know ok! I just have a feeling like he didn't wanna be here. His eyes were begging to go home, to be with friends he can have a decent conversation with.

Sobrang sakit talaga na makita si manong na ganon. Ewan ko ba, nakakainis na kelangan niyang maramdaman yung ganoong klaseng kalungkutan sa ganoong edad. SA GANOONG EDAD! Mamamatay nalang siya, hindi niya pa naenjoy yung natitirang oras niya. Nakakainis kasi, kasi walang choice. Pag umuwe siya ng Pinas, e sino magaalaga sakanya dun? E lahat ng pamilya niya asa Canada na. So ang choice niya nalang e tiisin ang kalungkutan dito sa ibang bansa kung saan lahat ay hindi pamilyar sakanya hanggang mamatay siya. Taena talaga kung nakita niyo lang yung mata ni koya. Muntik na ko umiyak kaya lang nagugutom na talaga ko ng mga panahong yun. 

This doesn't just go out to Filipino elderly. This feeling of being "out of place" also affects Filipino children and teenagers alike. Do you still remember your first day of school? and how difficult it is to decide where to sit and who to sit with during recess? Well it's like that for the rest of their adolescent life. I've heard several stories from mothers who petitioned their children here in Canada and how their kids resented them for doing so.

Alam mo yung nagkuskus ka ng ilang palapag na hagdan, naghugas ng puwet ng may puwet, mamuhay magisa ng mahabang panahon, nagtiis ng below 0 degrees sa pagaantay ng bus, para lang mabigyan ng masaganang buhay yung mga anak nila, tapos pag dating dito, ikaw pa yung mumurahin sa harap ng mga kaibigan mo. Yung sasabihin pang "Bakit mo pa kasi ako dinala-dala dito?" "Ang pangit pangit naman dito!", "Gusto ko ng umuwe!" Sa kabilang banda, naiintindihan ko yung mga anak e, naiintindihan ko na nasasaktan at nahihirapan sila sa kasalukuyang nangyayari sakanila. Mahirap talaga mag adjust. Ako nga sandamakmak yung mga reklamo ko nung bagong dating ko dito. At lumabas din sa bibig ko yang mga ganyang linyahan, pero sinarili ko lang. Wag mo naman ipamuka sa magulang mo diba? Pero kagaya nga nang sabi ko, "teenager" kadalasan ang nakaka experience nito, dun nalang natin isisi, sa kakulangan ng kaalaman.

Pero, dito ko rin naintindihan ng maigi kung gaano ka tatag, at kalakas ng loob ng mga babaeng expat. Kung mapapansin mo, kadalasan ng mga nagiibang bansa, mga nanay. Grabe yung abilidad nila. Yung kakayahan nilang magpakumbaba para tumanggap ng kahit anong trabaho. Yung kakayahan nilang makipag pakiusapan, at makipag bolahan para lang makuha ang gusto nila. Ang tapang nila. Hindi ko nilalahat, pero karamihan, tsismis lang ng mga nanay dito, yung mga asawa daw nila, napaka duwag. Mga dungo! Mga walang bibig. (haha sila nag sabi niyan a!) Yung mga nanay talaga yung naghahanap ng trabaho para sa mga asawa nila. Samantalang wala namang tumulong sakanila nung dumating sila dito. Nahihiya nga kasi yung mga lalaki, ma-pride daw. 

In their defense, though, It's just how it is. hahahaha sorry that's probably the worst defense ever. Pero hindi kasi sanay ung mga manong na inuutusan dito sa Pinas e. Wala sa sistema nila yung pagpapakumbaba. Lalo pa't ibang lahi yung maguutos. Masyadong masasaktan yung ego nila. Yun na siguro yung pinaka defense na gusto kong tukuyin. Depende narin talaga sa tao yun. Depende kung gaano ka secure yung tao sa sarili niya. Kung gaano ka lakas yung self-esteem niya, sa Pinas man, o sa ibang bansa.

Although it's a different story for Filipino immigrants who happen to live here for a while now. They've somehow attained this type of confidence, most especially when there are other Filipinos around.

Nung isang araw lang, habang nagaantay ako sa interview ko para sa US Visa, may Pinoy na mag-anak na nakaupo sa likuran ko. Ayun, andaming aberya sa mga requirements nila. Tipikal (hehe sorry). So ayun, may flash drive sa loob ng envelope ni ati. E bawal yun. Biglang tayo si ate, sabi:

Ati: "Ow I have USB on the envelope for the pictures, but it's okay if you churow it out, just churow it out. 

Me: *yaman ni ati...

Officer: Are you sure you wanna throw it out? 

Ati: Yes, just CHUROW it out.

Me: *ati throw, th-row..thhhh..

Officer: 'Coz if we put it in the garbage you won't be able to take it back..

Ati: Yes it's okay just CHUROW it out. I don't care.

Me: *trying to commit suicide internally

Wala naman kaso sakin kung "churow" niya bigkasin yun (pero meron talaga). Yung paraan niya lang ng pagkakasabi. Yung humahawi pa yung buhok niya. Alam mo yun, yung pinapaling-paling pa yung leeg, yung tipong, MGA MAHIHIRAP KAYO, NAGTATAPON LANG AKO NG USB, KAYA NIYO BA YUN... USB, TINATAPON KO LANG. MAYAMAN AKO, CHI-NUCHROW KO LANG ANG USB. I DON'T CARE.

There's also this Filipino family who became regular customers at work. They lived in Canada for quite some time now, and their kids were actually born here. I'm gonna tell it how it is okay, with judgments and shit. Well the parents don't exactly look rich. They are not exactly fluent, they don't appear intimidating,  but they are obnoxious as fuck. Napaka yabang, yung sobrang ere, shit, yung pumupose pa na kala mong sila may ari ng Subway. Yung shit koya ati, sa Subway kayo bumibili ng dinner, SUBWAY.

Alam mo yung tipikal na mahirap dati tapos nagkatrabaho lang tapos yumaman. Kumbaga pag magkukwento siya, laging isisingit yung mga achievements niya tyaka yung mga nabili niya. Yung ganong kaibigan mo? Lahat naman ata nakaranas no'n. Yung mapapakamot ka nalang. Yung mga reply mo nalang e, "Ganon po ba? haha, onga po e, oh?!, galing naman po pala, Kainggit naman kayo, Ang yaman niyo na pala no? Inggit na inggit talaga ko sanyo, grabe, shit, baka po gusto niyo nang bilhin yung store, baka kulang pa yung sandwich."

Nakakagago talaga yun, naapreciate ko naman din yung marunong mag Tagalog yung mga anak nila. Kung tutuusin, magalang yung mga anak nila. Pakiramdam ko nga nahihiya talaga yung mga anak sa mga pinagsasabi ng magulang nila. Ganon naman siguro talaga. Naappreciate ko yun. 

Tsaka okay yun, kadalasan, yung mga anak ng mga expat dito, may mga manners. Tsaka magagalang talaga. Ok talaga na magsanib pwersa yung "sense" ng Western culture at yung "values" ng Pinoy culture. 

I don't really have any beef with "Filipinos" who were born here. Whatever they've become, it has nothing to do with what ethnicity they're in. I think this is the part where we're having trouble in as a "people". Like we always claim someone to be FILIPINO even if they were born and raised abroad.

Tapos yung sasama pa loob natin pag hindi sila nag sabing "I'm proud to be Pinoy" Yung tipong, bakit??? Paano? Bakit sila obligadong sabihin yun? Pakialam ba nila, maliban sa Pinay yung nanay nila, at nakakatikim sila ng adobo once in a while, anong kaugnayan nila sa Pinas? Kumbaga anong dahilan para sabihin nilang Proud to be Pinoy sila? 

Tapos pag may puting gustong maging Pilipino, o nagustuhang manirahan dito sa Pinas, aangkinin natin. Tipong nakita niyo ba yung irony dun? Hindi na natin ginalang yung pagiging ibang lahi niya. Yung tipong pag yung Pinoy na lumaki sa Amerika sinabing proud Amerikan siya,

magaaklas na tayo, pero pag may puting nagsabing I'm proud to be Pinoy, halos isubo na natin yung paa sa tuwa. Kumbaga nakakaputangina talaga. Mababasa mo pa yung mga comment sa Youtube, jusku, maliban sa wrong gramming, jusku naman talaga, wala sa hulog.

Pero seryoso, sana hindi naman dumating sa ganon na dadating ako sa puntong puro "sense" nalang at wala ng "values". Sana hindi mawala yung pagiging skwater ng bibig ko, pati yung ugaling gago ko. Sana madagdagan lang ng konting culture. 

Sana lang ma-eliminate natin yung ganung paguugali. yung, masyadong matapobre dahil "times ganito" yung halaga ng pera natin kumpara sa pera sa Pinas. Hindi dahil ayaw kong sumama ang loob ng mga tao sa Pinas. Kundi para sagipin ka sa kahihiyan na matatanggap mo. Tumatalino na mga tao ngayon. Alam nila na sale lang talaga yang maong mo. Alam naman ng lahat na sa Dollar store ka lang namimili ng mga pasalubong. Na sa goodwill talaga galing yang mga alahas mo. Hindi mo na sila maloloko, kaya wag mo na ding lokohin yang sarili mo. 

I don't know why I feel so strongly about this. I guess I just hate it when Filipinos try to act like they're better than they're fellow Filipinos just because they live in a "better" country. Because it's not a fair fight. We expats may be living a better life here, and we can very much brag the shit out of our current situation, but we still do everything we can just to go back home for a vacation. We can do that. We are able to experience the life of pure convenience abroad and the life of pure bliss at home. They don't have that privilege. So why shove it in their faces?

Wala naman akong intensyon na igeneralize lahat ng Pinoy abroad. Lahat naman siguro ng lahi may flaws. Nagkataon lang na Pinoy antics yung pinapansin ko kasi sympre Pinoy ako. Alangan pansinin ko pa yung sa iba, bibo ko naman. 

Pero me ganon talaga e. Dami din, sa mga usapan dito, yung mga mahahangin na Pinoy na naging permanent resident na dito. Mejo mapagmataas na. Siguro ganun talaga pag di nakaranas ng kaalwahan dati. Masakit man tanggapin. (tangina ang jerk ko dito). 

Kaya, please, pag uwe ko, kung marinig niyo kong nag i-English habang umoorder sa Starbucks, please paki batukan ako ng isa't i-churow niyo ko sa labas ng store. Just churow me out. I don't care.

Usapang Pera... Usap Lang A!

A college professor once asked the class what the root cause of evil is. I automatically thought about the 7 deadly sins but I figured it would be such an obvious answer, and clearly this professor is trying to appear smart in front of us so it's highly unlikely. I refused to give an answer. Nobody in the class knew what the "right" answer is. Then he finally said it. "Love of money". Honestly I was hoping for a mind-blowing answer. I was hoping it was a trick question or something. Anything that isn't a little bit too preachy. I was highly irritated, apart from it being a STATISTICS class, I just didn't accept that it was too general. A little too vague. Pero tinamaan lang talaga ako ng sobra. Haha, ang tsakit tsakit e.

Sino ba naman ang ayaw magmahal ng pera. Pera yan e. Kung totoo nga na ang pagmamahal sa pera and sanhi ng lahat ng kasalanan, e wala na talagang pagasa. Haha sama sama na tayo doon. Praktis nang magbabad sa arawan at dun din naman ang bagsakan. 

In all seriousness, I do understand what the Bible wanted to say. "1 Timothy 6:10 English Standard Version: For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils. It is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many pangs." Ki-nopy paste ko lang yan a, malay ko jan. 

There is truth to what it's trying to convey though. It's obviously about greed too. I hate to use tired phrases but there are in fact a number of fucked-up things people would do for money. If you're familiar with the Internet, you definitely know what I'm talking about. 

Fuck we are in dire need of money. It's one of the many constant things that we have to endure in this life. It's never ending. We always seem to ask for it. Why? You fucking know why. Everyone knows why. Here we go again with using cliched phrases but money does make the world go round. If you deny it, you live in a world where unicorns and puppies coexists, and the Philippines is a first-world country. Or maybe you're just really, really religious. I mean, good for you! Life's good. Love is the answer yey!


But back to reality. Money is definitely a necessity in this world and there's no denying that. I wouldn't dare expound on this because fuck, if you don't know this by now, fuck! Ignorance is truly bliss in your case. (What's with all the cliches!) I'm dumb.

Money buys you food, shelter, clothes which are basic necessities. It gets you to school for education, hopefully. I mean we all know education is a luxury now more than a right. Kahit sa public ka pa nag-

aaral. Alangan hindi kumain yung bata o mamasahe. Tsaka pano siya makakabile ng mga cartolina't crepe paper na gagawing decoration sa nutrition month. Tsaka pano siya makakasama sa field trip sa bahay nina Aguinaldo this year, at next year, at sa susunod pang year. Kulang ang isang bes na pagbisita dun sa bahay ni Aguinaldo. Kelangan mo lang talagang makabisa kung ilang bintana meron yung bahay. 

Kelangan talaga natin ng pera. Kasi kung wala tayong pera, pano iikot yung mundo natin? Pano ba talaga? Isipin mo yung wala pang sweldo tapos hindi ka makalabas. Yung wala kang ginawa kundi humiga sa sala't magpabalik-balik sa ref. Bubuksan, mamasid masid, bibilangin kung ilan nalang ung itlog niyo. I-checheck kung ano-anong mga palaman at dressing sa gilid ng pinto. Tapos bukas ng freezer. Magiisip kung mag luluto ng pancit kanton at magpipirito ng hotdog. Mangangarap na Ice cream talaga yung laman ng Selecta at hindi galunggong. Tapos balik na naman sa sofa, kuha phone, browse, manlalait sa Facebook, balik ulit sa ref, repeat hanggang marealize mo na putaena, anyare sa araw ko. 

Think about doing this for the rest of your life. Maybe I should really put this in consideration on why the Philippines is heavily populated. I didn't see this as an excuse before as to why poor Filipino families keep on growing drastically. Dahil wala silang pera pambili ng ref, o ng sofa, o ng phone, at ng internet, magjugjugan nalang talaga ang paraan nila para mag enjoy. Biruin mo, check mo lang talaga. Suriin mo kung gaano ka liit yung bahay nila. Ilagay mo yung sarili mo sa sitwasyon nila na pagpasok mo ng pinto, kubeta na agad. Kumbaga alam mo yung square? Yun na. Andun na yung sala, dining area, kubeta't kusina. Mayaman na sila kung may master's bedroom. Pwede nang utangan. Pero isipin mo lang kung dun ka nakatira, ikaw na damuho ka na kung makareklamong walang magawa. Diba makikipag landian ka nalang din sa asawa mo? Yun nalang yun e. Haha swerte pa nga nila kung tutuusin. (Pero parang hindi rin kasi... ano.. parang.. dapat siguro mahal mo talaga.. haha basta) 

Pero ayun. Baka nga factor talaga yun kung ba't andami nilang anak. Yun na yung kaligayahan nila't pampalipas ng oras. Wala nga kasing pera pang Republiq. 

Why exactly is Love for Money the source of all evils? I just find it extremely vague, well come to think of it, nothing in the Bible is simple as fuck. There's just too many loopholes. Are we not suppose to love money? Are we not supposed to work hard for it, spend time for it. Because if you love money, it somehow means you wanna use it right? You wanna use it for food, to put your kids to school, to buy them things they deserve. If you love money, it means you value what you worked hard for. You appreciate the job and the tasks that you had to do to earn your paycheck. Pinaghirapan mo e. At dahil pinaghirapan mo, iingatan mo. Mamahalin mo. Aalagaan mo yung pinagpawisan mo't nilaanan ng mahahalagang oras, na kung ikaw lang ang masusunod, e pinagsaluhan niyo nalang ng pamilya mo. So kung nakuha mo na yung paycheck mo, masamang tao ka ba kung mamahalin mo yung pinagtrabahuhan mo?

The problem is the misconception towards money per se. When someone says he loves money, there's automatically a stigma that is branded on him. He suddenly becomes a greedy selfish jerk who, despite being an overall nice guy, is now a repulsive human being. 

Yung "mukhang pera" na term. Ano yun? Siguro naapektuhan lang ako kasi kung sino yung mga mahilig mag-paratang ng term na to e yung mga inggit na inggit sa kung anong meron ka sa bangko, o kung sino pa yung saksakan ng dami ng utang. O yung mga nagyayabang ng mga Iphone, hindi naman bagay sa hulma ng ilong. Ewan ko ba. Be humble nalang siguro.

I have always loved money. Ever since I was a little kid, I already tried to save as much as I can. I opened up my own account and did my best to keep it going until now. It just gives me a boost of confidence knowing I have money in the bank. Money is one of the three things that I believe can help with your self-esteem every time you go inside a 5-star hotel in the Philippines (or in general) The other two are education and appearance.

Ang hotel kasi sa Pilipinas, sobrang ganda. Lahat ng mga 5-star na yan, lobby palang manliliit ka na. Yung tipong kung sanay ka naman sa SM lang yung tambayan mo't sagad na sa buto kaligayahan mo sa mga Ayala malls, talagang malulula ka sa mga hotel satin. Aminin mo man sa hindi, bilang normal na mamamayan lang tayo, iba yung feeling pag-papasok ka sa hotel. Feeling mo mamatahin ka ng mga tao sa front desk, kahit nga si manong guard huhusgahan ka na din sa brand ng Samsung mo. Kung baga susuriin ka sa hilatsa ng mukha mo. Susuriin na nila kung mukha ka bang hihingi lang ng brochure, o magnanakaw ng flower vase.

Titingnan pa kung naka steppin ka lang! Samantalang pag makinis ang kutis mo't maputi ka, kahit naka sando't nakapaa ka lang papapasukin ka na, me complimentary drinks pang walangya. Yun e kung may itsura ka, pasok ka sa hotel.

Kung saktuhan lang naman ung tabas ng ilong mo, at halatang nagcocommute ka araw-araw, pwede mong daanin sa talino. Kung matalino ka, lalo na't kung pinasukan mo lahat ng English classes mo, bibigyan ka na din nila ng complimentary drinks. Kung hindi kaya ng tabas ng ilong mo, daanin mo sa tabas ng dila mo. Alam mo kasing pag hinamak ka ng isa sa mga tauhan sa hotel, alam mo sa sarili mong mapagtatanggol mo ang sarili mo. Kasi may laman ang utak mo. Pwede kang maging sarcastic at pwede mo silang pakainin ng alikabok gamit lang ang wit at tiwala sarili.

Pero kung wala kang lahing stateside, o kung mejo tagilid ka sa klase, PERA PERA lang yan. Pasok na pasok ka sa banga. Pumasok ka dun ng naka tsinelas, kahit mukha ka pang mandirigma sa LRT, Basta nalaman nilang mayaman ka, kahit isang Bestank ng complimentary drinks ang kailangin mo, ibibigay nila. Me straw pa't maliit na payong.

...teka nyeta nawala na sa topic.


Even if it's not a huge deal of money, I just find it comforting that I can eat whenever I want, that every time I get lost somewhere, I can always hail a cab to get home. 
It just makes me genuinely happy knowing I have savings. Savings that I will never touch unless when it's for an incredibly important purpose. I can't stress this enough. 

The thing is, ilang bes na kong natawag na kuripot at mukhang pera. Na, pakiramdam ko naman totoo. Kasi hindi naman talaga ako magastos. Tsaka hindi ko ugaling manlibre ng mga taong mayayaman. Yung alam kong may pera din naman. Mahilig akong manlibre ng mga taong pakiramdam ko deserving. Alam naman nila yan. Sa mga umutang sakin na hindi na nabayaran, alam niyo yan haha.

Iniisip ko kung masama parin loob ko sa kanila e. Pinapakiramdaman ko kung kaya kong kalimutan yun.
Kung tutuusin 1 libo lang naman para ikasama ng loob ko. Masakit noong una, oo, nung wala pakong trabaho kasi nakadepende lang ako sa school allowance. Pero pinautang mo kasi yun kasi kaibigan mo't may "mabigat na rason" na dinarama sayo. Ikaw naman tong si "maunawain", sige game, ok lang, "makatulong" lang sa kaibigan. 

Siguro ang masakit lang sa gantong sitwasyon e yung fact na, hindi mo naman kasi pinulot yung isang libo na yun. Yung isang libo na yun ay nagrerepresent ng mga araw na hindi ka kumain ng lunch. Yung mga oras na pinili mo nalang mag lakad pauwe para lang makatipid sa pamasahe. Yung mga panahong gustong gusto mong bumili ng damit pero kinalimutan mo nalang. Hindi lang pera yun. Kahit 200 pesos pa yan, o 50 pesos. Pera yan na may kasaysyan (huwaw). Pero may storya kasi yan. Ayan ba yung 50 pesos na inutang lang ng nanay mo sa kapit bahay niyo para may pang allowance ka ngayung araw? Yang 50 pesos na yan, yan yung pride ng nanay mo. Yan yung ikinatok niya sa bahay bahay para makabili ka ng isang ulam, plus rice, plus mirinda. Libre pa sabaw.

Ayun, narealize ko hindi pa pala ako makakamove on sa mga hindi nagbayad. Masyadong madaming maliliit na sakripisyo na ginawa ko para maipon yung 1000 pesos na yun para kalimutan ko nalang.

Kaya masama pakiramdam ko sa "Love for money" bilang source of all evil. Pakiramdam ko lang talaga kelangan natin mahalin ang pera kasi hindi naman inutot nalang yan. 

Loving your money also means loving the time, the hard work, the perseverance, the patience and the sacrifices you had to make to earn it. It also means food on the table, shelter, the ability to share it with others. The opportunity to take care of someone, a relative, a friend, or an organization. The chance to make a difference to someone's life. 

Forgive me if I became way too literal towards the phrase. Again, of course I do understand the negativity "love for money" entails. I understand that it just wanna emphasize the fact that people can love money so much that they will do everything for it, good or evil, that they will make money the only thing they care for, and that greed will take over in expense of every one else. I guess I was just thrown off by the term "love" when it can be replaced with greed instead. I just feel like it gives money a negative connotation which I'm not fully on board with.

Value your money. It's more that just a piece of paper or a purchasing power. It is the culmination of the sacrifices you made to earn it. 

Nagdadalawang isip talaga ako kung ipopost ko to, kasi baka mabuksan yung ideyang pwede akong utangan kasi may savings naman ako. HAHA kinakabahan talaga ako, kasi sa mga gantong edad, problema na talaga ang pera. Ako, ikaw sila, pare pareho tayong me problema sa pera. At ang pangungutang sa bawat isa ay OPTION na sa gantong edad. Parepareho na kasing may trabaho. Pero kung nabasa mo tong paragraph na to, eto talaga yung way ko para sabihing, haha, wala talaga kong papautang sayo. Gipit din ako seryoso haha. Wag ka nalang kasi munang mag hotel! Tama na yung sa Sogo-Sogo muna.

Si Erap Kasi Talaga Eh

Minsan maiisip mo nalang kung gaano ka walang ka-kwenta-kwenta yung mga problema mo no'n. Pero syempre dati pakiramdam mo dun na umiikot yung buhay mo. Yung tipong isang linggo mong ikukwento sa barkada mo hanggang magsawa sila kakapakinig sayo. Tapos ang problema mo lang e yung mga tipong hindi ka pinayagan sumama sa outing, o dahil imbes na Dragonball Z, impeachment trial ni Erap yung palabas. 

Minsan maiisip mo nalang na ang dali-dali pala nang buhay nung palamunin ka lang ng mga magulang mo. Yung may "instructions" yung buhay mo. Alam mo na kelangan mong gumising ng umaga para pumasok sa school, mag almusal, mag-toothbrush, maligo, tumae saglit, magayos, mag-flag ceremony, konting speech
ni principal, arms forward upward forward down, turn your book on page 54 (ano daw, anong page ulit? share nalang tayo), recess, spaghetting UFC ketchup at Argentina corned beef, aral, syesta, aral, lunch, aral, tambay saglit sa guard house, uwe, tv, fushigi yugi, assignment, dinner, toothbrush (optional), dasal (oo nga!) tulog repeat till graduate. 

Nung college, medyo pumapahapyaw na yung hapis e. Eto na yung mga mararanasan mo nang pumila at para magbayad ng tuition fee mong magisa. Eto na yung mga magiisip ka na kung paano mo i-bubudget yung 100 mo sa pagkain, pamasahe at panginom + yosi +videoke at pambili ng yellow paper.

Dito na ipaparinig sayo ng mga magulang mo kung gaano kamahal ang tuition mo. Yung tipong nung elementary at high school naman 'matik na alam mong papasok ka sa June, yung walang duda na
papasok ka. Tipong hindi mo maririnig yung salitang "tuition fee" sa bahay. Pero pag college, Eto na yung mag eexplain ka na kung ilang units meron ka sa isang sem, kung bababa ba sa 2nd sem yung miscellaneous. Kung bakit kasi yan yung course mo. O kung bakit may project na naman. O kung bakit kelangan ka pang sumama sa tour na yan.


Unti-unti mo nang maiintindihan na responsable ka na sa mga susunod na proseso ng buhay mo. Yung direkta ka nang apektado sa kung ano mang magiging desisyon mo sa buhay. Wala ka nang karapatan sumisi ng ibang tao sa naging outcome. 

Dito mo marerealize na ayaw mo ng mag-aral at gusto mo ng magtrabaho na kaagad. 

Tapos ayun na nga. Naka graduate ka, sa wakas. 
O ano na mga ati mga koya? Kamusta na stress level?
Kamusta sweldo at mga bayarin? Ilang araw nalang bago ka magpakamatay?

But seriously, after you're done with school, it's a whole new level. A totally different world that no matter how hard they've tried to warn you about, you're still not prepare to deal with. You start to feel like you're on your own, even if you're really not. You constantly tell yourself that you can stand on your own two feet and you don't need your parents nor anyone's advice on how to do things. 
A constant battle between your new found ego against your dire need of help. 

Life will hit you like a motherfucker and it will not stop until you decide to, which is kinda comforting when you think about it, knowing you can always end it.


There are a couple of reasons why you could be inclined to putting an end to it. As soon as you experience browsing through all job sites in the internet, going through the pages of newspaper ads, or begging a friend for a referral, and still not able to find a job you studied for, you'd start to wonder how long will this search last. Then if you still have no luck finding a job you actually like, you settle for anything less just to feel useful, to yourself and to your parents. Before you know it, you're stuck in a job you're not passionate about. A decision that will eat you alive. Every single punch-in reminds you of how worthless your education was. The years you've spent studying all lead to a career you never wanted in the first place. The continuous search for a "valid" reason to find a different job is always hindered by the fact that you need to stay in your current job for a little longer. Thinking there's no assurance of a stable job once you resign. Thinking about starting from the bottom once again. Thinking about the need to pay the rent by the end of the month, your obligation to a family member, the seemingly endless debts that you had since forever. The fucked up thing is that you'll probably end up where you are right now, living a very unrewarding life until you no longer feel the urge to dream anymore.

Fuck! Aspetong trabaho palang to a, gusto ko nang gawing chaser yung Lysol. Para mabango.

While you're too busy killing your hopes and dreams

one day at a time for a job you had to settle with, you realize that you're already 30. You open your Facebook page and see most of your batch mates getting married and having a family of their own. You go to their profile page and look for the kind of job they have. You browse all the photos and the posts hoping you can find something, anything that will tell you that they're not as happy as what they portray to be in social media. You look for something that will make you feel glad that you made the right choice. Anything that will keep you from getting jealous of the life they've chosen. The life you assumed was the wrong one.

And you're 30. You tend to go to gatherings and somehow, you keep on getting asked about the same thing over and over. It's almost as if you don't have anything going on with your life if you're single by the time you get to that age. But no matter how many times you tell yourself you're okay with being alone, you just can't make yourself believe it. Of course you wanted to start a family. You see yourself making coffee for two in the morning, send your kids to school, go to work, come home to a family dinner and everything that comes with it. But life isn't exactly a fairly tale is it? You can't just ask someone to have a baby and live a life you intend to have for the long haul. The fucked up thing is that, yes it could be easy, it could, but... stuff. There's just too many things you need to do at the moment. There's just no place for a stable relationship with the kind of life you have right now. Time management might help, but shit. How can you care for a person if you can barely care for yourself. You can't even give time for yourself, how can you share it with someone else? At the end of the day, you just let it go. Let the fuck go and remind yourself that there's no rush. There's no fucking rush. There's no rush. No rush at all.

And aside from all the personal shits, of course growing up in the Filipino culture, you're most definitely bounded by the unending obligation to pay your dues to your family. You just can't say "Fuck it! That's not my problem". You cannot bail whenever you feel so constricted and so drained. You suck it up and tell yourself that it's not a big deal 'coz FAMILY. 
Even if you did get lucky and find someone who you can spend the rest of your life with. Familial obligation will still be lurking around the corner. Your savings is basically colloquial for "Utang na Loob". Not that I'm complaining. HAHAHAHA no kidding. I love my parents and I would really do anything for them. I owe them shitload of things and I wouldn't be where I am today without them (hahahaha putangina scripted)

But honestly, I am more concerned about how we Filipinos feel about this. The term "utang na loob". I just want to... well I'm just saying, if the day comes that I get to have kids of my own, I'd make sure I will have enough money in the bank, so I wouldn't bother them as much when they have their own family. Because God knows I know the feeling. I just see this in most Filipino families. I'm really hoping we can improve on this kind of mentality. We should.

Nakakainis talaga tumanda. Wag na tayong magpaka

plastik. Daming kaakibat na responsibilidad niyan e. Ang daming bayarin, ang daming aasikasuhin and daming dapat unawain. Pero ipagpapalit mo ba talaga to sa habang buhay na nasa school? Para kasing ang hinang klaseng tao mo naman kung hanggang dun ka nalang. Tsaka boring, parang walang sustansya.

Fucking thing is we only get to appreciate the better things in life when everything turns to shit. We never really talk about how lucky we are for weeks. It's always the rants and the complaints and the negativity. It's almost as if we still get surprised when shit hits the fan. Like it's a new thing. Like we never had an idea that life could suck.

Being an adult is crazy but it's definitely worth living. There's just too much potential and possibilities. It could surprise you, when your perspective shifts in a different light and you realize you have been living the wrong life after all. It's exhilarating knowing you are the last say in every decision you have to make. It's all you.

Your job, your relationship, your family... these things should not make the decisions for you. It should not control who you are and what you wanted to do in life. Although let's face it, it's easier said than done. (Ano ba talaga? haha kasi andito na ko sa conclusion pambihira dapat positive na yung paragraph) but I really feel like it will come. The day will come when you're desire to think about yourself more than others will prevail and you can finally enjoy life again. Tipong mas masaya ka pa kesa nung binalik ang Dragonball sa hapon.