Minsan maiisip mo nalang na ang dali-dali pala nang buhay nung palamunin ka lang ng mga magulang mo. Yung may "instructions" yung buhay mo. Alam mo na kelangan mong gumising ng umaga para pumasok sa school, mag almusal, mag-toothbrush, maligo, tumae saglit, magayos, mag-flag ceremony, konting speech
ni principal, arms forward upward forward down, turn your book on page 54 (ano daw, anong page ulit? share nalang tayo), recess, spaghetting UFC ketchup at Argentina corned beef, aral, syesta, aral, lunch, aral, tambay saglit sa guard house, uwe, tv, fushigi yugi, assignment, dinner, toothbrush (optional), dasal (oo nga!) tulog repeat till graduate.
Dito na ipaparinig sayo ng mga magulang mo kung gaano kamahal ang tuition mo. Yung tipong nung elementary at high school naman 'matik na alam mong papasok ka sa June, yung walang duda na
papasok ka. Tipong hindi mo maririnig yung salitang "tuition fee" sa bahay. Pero pag college, Eto na yung mag eexplain ka na kung ilang units meron ka sa isang sem, kung bababa ba sa 2nd sem yung miscellaneous. Kung bakit kasi yan yung course mo. O kung bakit may project na naman. O kung bakit kelangan ka pang sumama sa tour na yan.
Unti-unti mo nang maiintindihan na responsable ka na sa mga susunod na proseso ng buhay mo. Yung direkta ka nang apektado sa kung ano mang magiging desisyon mo sa buhay. Wala ka nang karapatan sumisi ng ibang tao sa naging outcome.
Dito mo marerealize na ayaw mo ng mag-aral at gusto mo ng magtrabaho na kaagad.
Tapos ayun na nga. Naka graduate ka, sa wakas.
O ano na mga ati mga koya? Kamusta na stress level?
Kamusta sweldo at mga bayarin? Ilang araw nalang bago ka magpakamatay?
But seriously, after you're done with school, it's a whole new level. A totally different world that no matter how hard they've tried to warn you about, you're still not prepare to deal with. You start to feel like you're on your own, even if you're really not. You constantly tell yourself that you can stand on your own two feet and you don't need your parents nor anyone's advice on how to do things.
A constant battle between your new found ego against your dire need of help.
Life will hit you like a motherfucker and it will not stop until you decide to, which is kinda comforting when you think about it, knowing you can always end it.
There are a couple of reasons why you could be inclined to putting an end to it. As soon as you experience browsing through all job sites in the internet, going through the pages of newspaper ads, or begging a friend for a referral, and still not able to find a job you studied for, you'd start to wonder how long will this search last. Then if you still have no luck finding a job you actually like, you settle for anything less just to feel useful, to yourself and to your parents. Before you know it, you're stuck in a job you're not passionate about. A decision that will eat you alive. Every single punch-in reminds you of how worthless your education was. The years you've spent studying all lead to a career you never wanted in the first place. The continuous search for a "valid" reason to find a different job is always hindered by the fact that you need to stay in your current job for a little longer. Thinking there's no assurance of a stable job once you resign. Thinking about starting from the bottom once again. Thinking about the need to pay the rent by the end of the month, your obligation to a family member, the seemingly endless debts that you had since forever. The fucked up thing is that you'll probably end up where you are right now, living a very unrewarding life until you no longer feel the urge to dream anymore.
Fuck! Aspetong trabaho palang to a, gusto ko nang gawing chaser yung Lysol. Para mabango.
While you're too busy killing your hopes and dreams
And you're 30. You tend to go to gatherings and somehow, you keep on getting asked about the same thing over and over. It's almost as if you don't have anything going on with your life if you're single by the time you get to that age. But no matter how many times you tell yourself you're okay with being alone, you just can't make yourself believe it. Of course you wanted to start a family. You see yourself making coffee for two in the morning, send your kids to school, go to work, come home to a family dinner and everything that comes with it. But life isn't exactly a fairly tale is it? You can't just ask someone to have a baby and live a life you intend to have for the long haul. The fucked up thing is that, yes it could be easy, it could, but... stuff. There's just too many things you need to do at the moment. There's just no place for a stable relationship with the kind of life you have right now. Time management might help, but shit. How can you care for a person if you can barely care for yourself. You can't even give time for yourself, how can you share it with someone else? At the end of the day, you just let it go. Let the fuck go and remind yourself that there's no rush. There's no fucking rush. There's no rush. No rush at all.
And aside from all the personal shits, of course growing up in the Filipino culture, you're most definitely bounded by the unending obligation to pay your dues to your family. You just can't say "Fuck it! That's not my problem". You cannot bail whenever you feel so constricted and so drained. You suck it up and tell yourself that it's not a big deal 'coz FAMILY.
Even if you did get lucky and find someone who you can spend the rest of your life with. Familial obligation will still be lurking around the corner. Your savings is basically colloquial for "Utang na Loob". Not that I'm complaining. HAHAHAHA no kidding. I love my parents and I would really do anything for them. I owe them shitload of things and I wouldn't be where I am today without them (hahahaha putangina scripted)
But honestly, I am more concerned about how we Filipinos feel about this. The term "utang na loob". I just want to... well I'm just saying, if the day comes that I get to have kids of my own, I'd make sure I will have enough money in the bank, so I wouldn't bother them as much when they have their own family. Because God knows I know the feeling. I just see this in most Filipino families. I'm really hoping we can improve on this kind of mentality. We should.
Nakakainis talaga tumanda. Wag na tayong magpakaplastik. Daming kaakibat na responsibilidad niyan e. Ang daming bayarin, ang daming aasikasuhin and daming dapat unawain. Pero ipagpapalit mo ba talaga to sa habang buhay na nasa school? Para kasing ang hinang klaseng tao mo naman kung hanggang dun ka nalang. Tsaka boring, parang walang sustansya.
Fucking thing is we only get to appreciate the better things in life when everything turns to shit. We never really talk about how lucky we are for weeks. It's always the rants and the complaints and the negativity. It's almost as if we still get surprised when shit hits the fan. Like it's a new thing. Like we never had an idea that life could suck.
Being an adult is crazy but it's definitely worth living. There's just too much potential and possibilities. It could surprise you, when your perspective shifts in a different light and you realize you have been living the wrong life after all. It's exhilarating knowing you are the last say in every decision you have to make. It's all you.
Your job, your relationship, your family... these things should not make the decisions for you. It should not control who you are and what you wanted to do in life. Although let's face it, it's easier said than done. (Ano ba talaga? haha kasi andito na ko sa conclusion pambihira dapat positive na yung paragraph) but I really feel like it will come. The day will come when you're desire to think about yourself more than others will prevail and you can finally enjoy life again. Tipong mas masaya ka pa kesa nung binalik ang Dragonball sa hapon.
No comments:
Post a Comment