All-Purpose Dream

"What is the purpose of your existence?"

This was written on the center of a blank sheet of paper during our exam week in high school for a Social Studies class.

As a person who enjoys essay questions, I was pretty sure I'd hit it out of the park. And I did. I still beat myself up for throwing that paper away. I wish I saved the paper as a testament of the promise I made back when I was still a kid. An ideal minded, ignorant as fuck, child. 

"My purpose? I couldn't really tell as of the moment. All I know as of now is that I have to study very well, and make sure I learn something from my education. So that I can have a better chance of getting a job in the future. I will make sure that I am not gonna be an addition to the growing number of trash in the society. I will make sure that even if I don't get rich when I grow up, I'll still do my very best to help the less fortunate as much as I can. BLAH BLAH BLAH ideal shit narcissistic opinion shit sob story fishing for compliment 100% grade."

That's basically the gist of what I've written down on the test paper. It was longer than that though. I pretty much used up all the space on the page. In the end, my professor shared that paper to the faculty and each of them wrote a comment praising everything that I had said. I was really proud of it. I still am, to be honest... knowing that I was able to manipulate the emotion of my professor in giving me a high grade.

Don't get me wrong, I was completely sincere of what I've said in the test. I did outstandingly well in school. I was also able to land a job after graduation. And I am not exactly rich as of the moment, but I still manage to help out the less fortunate people when I was in the Philippines. 

One thing I am most proud about myself is that every Christmas, I wander around the city in the morning and give out food to people who live in the streets. I'm mostly happy about leaving a pack of Happy Meal beside them while they're still sleeping, and hoping they'd be glad to see it as soon as they wake up. 

You have to understand, 500 pesos is not a small amount in the country, especially to someone who doesn't earn more than $400. 

So this is the part where I have to tell you why I felt the need to brag about this.

Napakayabang na ba? Ako nang santo. Bait ko e. Pwede ng ipako. Naalala ko dati nung may "Mel and Joey" pa, may debate sila kung dapat pa bang pinagsasabi ang pag-gawa ng mabuti sa kapwa o dapat nalang isarili.

Sabi ni Joey, hindi na daw dapat ipagkalat ang ginawang kabutihan. Kasi mas sinsero daw at walang bahid ng kayabangan o malisya kapag sinarili nalang. Sabi naman ni Mel, Kailangan ding i-pagsabi ang mabuting gawain para malaman ng mga tao na may mabuting balita parin at maging inspirasyon sa iba. Parehong may point diba? Pero kagaya sa lahat ng debate, kailangan may compromise. 

Sa bandang huli, It's just a matter of balancing it out. Like anything else. I guess it's okay to tell people of your charity as long as you don't use it for your own interest. Yung tipong ipagyayabang mo lang. Kasi para saan? Nakakalungkot naman yung buhay mo kung dun ka nahanap ng validation. Wag ganun. Hindi naikot ang mundo sayo. Tsaka, haha, wala talagang may pakialam, wag kang umasa.

So yeah, Why exactly do I it though? Why do I have to do "charitable" things to other people? I really don't know how or when it started. I just remember how it feels like to do good deeds to people who are in need. The feeling every time they say thank you, and the joy you feel every time you see their faces light up when you give them more than they expect.

It's just a great feeling. I think that's it. And maybe, I wouldn't really do it, if I'm not capable of doing so. Yung walang kamatayang, "You can't give what you don't have." 

I don't have much, really. My savings are just enough for my own personal needs. Effort is also something that everyone should consider. Do it once. Just try to buy a P50 meal and look for a street kid to give it to. I hate sounding sooo preachy believe me. I hate people who are preachy as fuck. But just, maybe try it once. If you didn't like it at all, if you felt regret more than joy, maybe it's not for you. And it's absolutely okay. You don't have to force yourself in doing good deeds outside of your own interest.

You might have so many problems on your own to care about other people's shits. And again, it's understandable. You really have to help yourself first and everyone you care about, before you feel the need to extend your kindness to others. Preachy na ba? Shit putangina.

I have no idea if this is really "my purpose" in the long run. I don't even do it now since I got here in Canada. I mean most of the people here are probably richer than me. Sila tumulong sakin mga walangya.

Pero ewan ko ba. Besides having a stable job, having to start a family, and having life security in the future, why the fuck am I here? What exactly am I living for? Right? Have you ever asked that question to yourself and really, I mean really think of an answer. What the fuck right? 

Legacy. Establishing a legacy is probably the ultimate goal of every individual. I mean it should be. How will you be remembered by the people you leave behind. It's just something you had to do in your lifetime. You have to, or else... just... well you're fucked.

Parang sayang lahat ng pinaghirapan mo kung ganun ganun nalang. Yung pagkamatay mo, yun na. Hanggang dun nalang. Although hindi mo naman na mararamdaman yung saya na dulot nang pagpupugay sayo, pero ewan ko, diba? parang ang sayang isipin na may naimpluwensyan ka, kahit isa, bago ka mamatay.

Pangit naman yung pag binuburol ka, magpapasalamat pa yung mga tao na patay ka na. Yung tipong ang usapan sa burol mo, "Ay ba't ngayon lang?" "Akala ko matagal na siyang patay?" "Patay na siya? Ano na nga bang ulam natin mamaya?" "Tangina hindi pa bayad utang nyan sakin. Hayop"

I'm looking forward to doing something greater than me in the future. I'm excited, but scared as fuck to know whether or not I can fulfill my promise to that test paper. I just have to prove to myself and to all the faculty members that I earned that 100% grade. Kundi sayang lang yung tinta ng red ballpen nila.
My Gel pa naman.

"Bri Pahingi Ako Ng Tubig!"

The one thing I absolutely love about having friends is that you can tell them things you wouldn't dare say to family members. You can be a totally different person when you're with them. You can be an ass, and they will be bigger ass than you. You tend to laugh at things that are supposedly serious and cry about shits some people just find weird.

People who doesn't share the same DNA as you or an obligation to feel related with each other.

It's an unbelievable relationship bounded by time, interest and affection. 

Friendship is easy to achieve though. You can be drinking buddies with someone and share stories and what not, to one another and feel the connection, and from there you can say you're friends with them. 

You can text from time to time about things that are just simply unnecessary and enjoy the company and you're pretty much friends with each other.

People may say that it's a bit misused because apparently, friendship is so much more than anything that I've stated above. True. It's so much deeper and more meaningful than just mere texting. More important than a few nights of drinking. 

I just understand the value of using an adjective to create the perfect meaning for the word friendship. 

True, genuine, sincere.... Words that describe my feelings to quite a few people in my life right now. 

People who I can consider a huge part of my life. Someone that was there during the worst and the best parts of my existence. People who I share the shittiest and the dopest experiences throughout the week.

Quite few of them. I guess as you grow older, you realize that you don't really need a great deal of friends. Just people you can completely trust and enjoy your life with. It's less complicated. It's more comforting, knowing you can concentrate being a genuine person to just a couple of people. It's also less expensive to be honest. 

Time is probably the best thing that you can give to a friend. It's an investment. You make a sincere effort to see them. To make them feel like you're there. Even if you're miles apart. Let them realize you're always there. Time. Even when you're exhausted from work, You make time for them. You induce an allergy just to play poker and drink with them. You were always a call away. You have all the excuses in the world for your boss to be with a friend who has a broken heart. You're present in most occasions that are in need of your laughter and the joy that comes with it. You are there, for EVERY friend that you have. Punctuality may not be your strongest suit, but still, you came.

A friend is a joy to be around with. Even if you talk about a single topic for the rest of the night, even if you have to drink the same thing every week, even if you keep telling the same stories over and over again, you still can't deny the fact that you are happy with them. You are genuinely having fun. You go bored once in a while, but you'd rather be bored with them than be bored alone or with someone else. Because having them around just makes you comfortable. Because somehow you know each other's way of thinking. You know one way or the other, someone will light a cigarette up, open a bottle of beer, bring up a topic, get drunk, eat the fuck out, throw-up in the streets, do the silliest things you can imagine, as long as you're with them, you're satisfied, even having to eat a tube of toothpaste for fun. It wouldn't matter.

You love them. The kind of love that's not necessarily the same with the one you share with your family, but the kind of love where you show true affection to one another without a sense of obligation. When a friend talks, the other listens and vice versa. It's never a one way street. You cry, I cry. I laugh you laugh. Nobody will be left hanging. You'd know how true your connection with a friend is when there's just no judgment anymore. Just straight to the point understanding. Respect. True concern. You actually care about what's happening with a friend. Sometimes you don't even have to say anything, and a friend will still feel cared for. When you feel like your enemies are ganging up on you, whenever your problems are closing in on you, or when even your family can't protect you, You know you have that one friend who will be with you all the way through. The same feeling when everyone hides a cigarette from you but you're certain you could get one from that friend. Menthol nga lang. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAT!!!
 Presshiate you being one of
the most important persons in my life

Life is undoubtedly hard on its own. 

So if you do have that kind of friend,

just make sure you don't fuck it up.

Even if she asks you to get her a million glasses

of water... you suck it up. It's worth it.

Change- Hindi lang Barya, Sukli at Pamalit

I was probably the horniest 10 year old that has ever lived. I'm sure this is debatable 'coz there are definitely a lot of sick freaks in this world, but nonetheless, I have fucking issues.

 

I understand that this blog is supposed to be an extension of my subconscious but there are so many things that I CAN'T share with the world, because one, it's unbelievably fucked up, and second, it all happened when I was still a kid.

I take comfort in knowing there are a couple of people who've done fucked up things when they were young too... but what I'm really anxious about is not what I've done in the past, but mostly of the things that I've already thought about at a young age. 

Thoughts that are incredibly taboo, disturbing, inappropriate and utterly disgusting. Thing is, I can still remember the day when I consciously asked myself whether or not it's normal,  I was aware of what's happening in my mind. I literally felt nauseous thinking about the consequences of my "imagination" as a kid when I grow up. I believe I was 10, not sure, but I know I was in Grade 5 at the time. I can't sleep because I was wondering if I would still be thinking about these abnormalities when I grow up, and if it's gonna fuck me up in the long run. 

Well... I turned out pretty good. Well not great obviously, I mean I still talk to myself A LOT (not in public, of course, 'coz that would be weird) most of the time, but you know, at least I'm of legal age right? It's not that alarming unlike before. I mean right?

What exactly is the whole point of this post? I guess, I wanted to fully understand whether or not a person can change over time. The real change. The significant kind of change that would affect your points of view about things you feel strongly about. 

I guess opinions can vary as you progress through life. It's normal. Opinions are changed whenever you're influenced with a fact or by another opinion. You can strongly believe in one thing now and refuse to believe it the next day. 

Alam mo yung mga style mo nung highschool na putangina talaga!! Yung tipong shiiet putangina talaga hahaha ayoko nang tandaan. Pero FUUUCK! yung mga emo days pa, pati yung mga punyetang email address dati. TANGINA AYOKO NA! hahahaha paano ko naiisip na cool yun?!! Yung pag nakikita mo yung mga dating pic mo, tangina talaga bakit!! Ako ba talaga yan? Ba't blue ang mata? Taena shit talaga salamat puberty.

But besides your idea of what's "cool" before and what's not, You have got to have some beliefs that you no longer stand by with today. 

I have so many. So so many. You see, I was a complete smart ass before. I kinda had a feeling like I'm the "smartest" kid in the room even when I'm not. I always felt like my mind was so ahead of its time that I always make some pretentious assumptions, or some statements that would trigger arguments from people around me. Having this kind of mentality, and arrogance, there would be a need for me to over analyze my statements, a need for me to be very clear and certain of my opinion. I need to personally believe in the things I say.

Today, remembering things that I've said back in high school, makes me feel ashamed of myself. I can feel my gut wrenching as I think about the times I stood up for something that I absolutely disgust now. 

Example lang, naalala ko yung Christian Living teacher ko, ang topic namin e yung Black Nazareno. Kung ano ang opinyon ng klase sa mga taong nakikipag-sapalaran para mahawakan yung Poon. 

Tangina, sabi ko talaga, Ang tatanga naman nila. Ang tanga tanga ni nanay, ba't anjan pa siya, hindi nalang siya maglaba. No kidding, this is what I said to my professor. He's a very understanding man so he didn't care for my language, he just really wanted an insight from his students. 

He then said, "So si Noli De Castro ay masasabi mo ding tanga? Si Noli De Castro?"  Tapos ako tong si totoy bibo, "Opo, sir blah blah tangina matalino ako shit malakas loob ko haha bobo sila talino ako.. inom ako clorox ser"

Meron pang time na nag log-in ako sa Green Archers na portal ng DLSU Manila, gamit ang "green_quiver" na user name. AHAHHAHA PUTANGINA TALAGA.

Basta, kung ano anong pinagsasabi ko dun. Yung tipong may mga "Ganyan naman kayong mga mayayaman, ang baba ng mga tingin niyo saming mga mahihirap. Parepareho naman tayong nagaaral." Mga ganun ganun pa ko! punyeta talaga, kinikilabutan ako ngayun, pero pag naiisip ko shit talaga. Ang pinaka-masakit no'n, Hindi nila ko pinatulan. Hindi sila nagalit o nag-react negatively sa "flame bait" ko na "trolling" na ngayun. They responded with, "Hi green_quiver (PUTANGINA TALAGA), I'm sorry if you felt that way... blah blah blah condescending ako, kahit totoong mga sinasabi mo na mababa tingin namin sanyo, i-paparaphrase ko nalang para gumaan ang pakiramdam mo habang pinapahiya talaga kita. But I wish you all the luck. But I'm afraid, as the moderator of this forum, I'm gonna need to block you."

Grabeng kahihiyan ko nun. Yung tipong kahit hindi kami nagkikita at kahit hindi nila alam kung sino talaga ako, ang sakit sakit. Dinamdam ko hanggang pagtulog. Pero tandaan niyo guys, during this time, MATALINONG MATALINO na ang tingin ko sa sarili ko neto. Pero shit... 


This scenario opened my mind to so many possibilities. A possibility to understand the limits of my strengths. The possibility of changing the way I think. On how to improve my way of speaking. Mostly, the possibility of understanding that opinions vary and the possibility that it could change over time.

Yes. There are things that will stay the way it is. The never ending question of whether a person can truly change or do they stay the same but with a little more inhibition. 

If one person improves, does he change, or does he stay the same. Is he still the same person inside? 

I personally think that nobody really changes. I know this totally contradicts everything that I've just said. But I really believe that, yes, you can change one thing about yourself, maybe your appearance or your style, maybe your manner of speaking, or maybe your religion, or your nationality, your political view, your crimes, your sins, your psyche, but at the end of the day, these things have been a valuable part of your whole existence. Whether you deny them now or not, it's a part of you. You were that kid. You were once that person. If you murdered someone, you're a killer. 

Ewan ko ba. Baka naman bukas iba na ulit pananaw ko. Malay ba natin. Baka naman nagmamarunong lang ako dito't nag fe-flame bait na naman. Kung ganun, edi totoo nga, hindi talaga ako nagbago. Eto parin ako nag ste-state ng opinion na parang kampanteng-kampanteng tama ako. 

I still think of what could've been, if I wasn't a fucked up kid back then. I don't even remember why I grew up having these thoughts. Was it in my genes? or was I influenced by my surroundings? I really don't know. I'm quite certain that I was raised by the best parents in the world, with morals and shit. I grew up in a very safe and a family friendly environment. I had a pretty healthy childhood. I wasn't a loner, I had friends, I have good shits. 

Fuck. I'm just realizing how similar my life now from back then and I still have these thoughts. Same fucked up thoughts. 

Am I still normal? 

I'm getting nauseous.

Pwedeng Pass?

Whoever said "There's always a choice" probably had to choose the one decision he regrets for the rest of his life. 

It is true though... we always have choice. It's not necessarily a great one, but nonetheless, a choice. Besides, the only time a person would actually use this cliché of a quote is when confronted with a very impossible decision. I mean fuck you if you're that one person who has to say it to someone who's trying his best to decide whether to slash his wrist or drink bleach. 

It's way too easy when you're outside of the situation you know, when you're all like, "You can do it man!", "Here's what you should do.", "Don't worry everything's gonna be fine.". "All you can really do is pray." These are some things you really don't wanna hear during some tough decision making. 


At the end of the day, you're the only, the ONLY ONE, who's gonna have to suffer the consequences of that decision.

You're gonna have to endure whatever comes next. NOT THEM. If for some instance you followed their advice and it completely worked for you, they will take all the credit and immediately becomes the smartest asshole in the room. But when everything turns to shit, then they absolutely have nothing to do with it. Asshole either way. They will go on with their lives jerking off to some midget porn and live the rest of their life feeling contented with the idea that they "helped" you in some way. 

There's always a choice. 

One of the hardest decisions in life is whether to choose someone else's happiness over yours. 
If you're a selfless son of bitch then this is probably the least of your concerns. But if you're a decent human being, with a family, friends and love ones, This conundrum (fuck did I just use the word conundrum, *opens new tab to confirm meaning) is definitely the worst.

I remember listening to a radio program back then where they talked about how hard it is to become a hero. One of the hosts asked the other if she is willing to sacrifice her life pushing a kid off the road to save him from being hit by a car. She said she'll probably choose to sacrifice herself for the kid but the only thing that keeps her from being certain is that she's worried of how her family will feel. Like she doesn't care if she dies, but what's stopping her from being a hero is the idea of her parents crying over her death. 

The other DJ's made fun of her for her excuse, like it doesn't make sense, but that's exactly how I feel too. There are so many things that I have always wanted to do. Some things that are completely selfless, or incredibly selfish, that I've always wanted to achieve but can't. I can't because knowing that there would be people who will be greatly affected by my actions limits my desire to pursue these things. I hate the idea of them hurting due to my life choices.

Their happiness over mine. Life choices of a responsible, decent, adult.

Badtrip talaga yun e. Kung sino pa yung mga pinaka importanteng tao sa buhay mo, minsan sila pa yung mga taong humahadlang sa pagiging mabuting tao mo. Hindi naman nila kasalanan yun sa totoo lang. Malay ba nila diba? Choice mo kasi yun e, choice mong maging martir. 

I guess my question is until when do I have to endure this? How does one exactly know when to think about himself over others? When do you take the risk of hurting someone to finally feel alive.

Someone recently shared a story of whether to choose an old love over a new one. She is currently STILL committed with the former, but are in a long distance relationship. The latter however is a new flame. She met this person just recently but both felt a certain affection towards each other. Now, she is conflicted with the idea of leaving one for the other. 

Is she gonna stay with someone she's been with for years? Someone she's talked about sharing a life together. A relationship that has been tested by time and distance. A relationship that she is sure of. A relationship that she can settle with... for the rest of her life.

Or, Is she gonna choose the one person that she is falling in love with. Someone who makes her happy, a person she claims she sees herself with in the future. A reason to be excited about every day. Someone new.

And I remember quoting something from a 9gag meme, something about choosing the second one over the first because you wouldn't have to choose between the two in the first place, if you genuinely love the first one. 

I dunno, apparently she knew that quote so I really don't have any other advice for her. We just stared at our feet and fell silent. 

Determining pros and cons helps too. But this probably only works when you decide with your brain and not with the heart. 

There's just no rule, or formula when it comes to love. Shit we're going deeper! It's kinda true though... I really feel like logic ends when genuine love begins. You just become stupid all of a sudden.

You always have a choice. 
You can always kill yourself. That is still, technically an option. Whenever you're backed up against the wall, or stuck between a rock and a hard place, or any other shits like this, remember that you can always kill yourself. 

So whenever someone decides to tell you that you always have a choice, remember that they're telling the truth.


Parang nasasayo nalang talaga yan. Kung hanggang dito ka nalang ba o tutuloy mo pa. Ganon talaga e. Minsan wala ka nalang talaga magagawa kundi isipin na may isang taong mas mahirap pa ang desisyon kesa sayo. 

Kaya sa mga taong pinili maging masaya kahit nakasakit ng iba, tangina kayo, pero nakakainggit kayo. 

Dadaloy Din Ang Ginhawa - Maynilad

It's been almost a year... almost a year since I left my home country... been that long since I genuinely felt at home. 

I can't believe how time went by that fast, when I can't seem to remember a time when I had fun, when I actually laughed out loud.

My question really, is not how long I CAN endure this misery, but how long do I HAVE to. Thing is, I can always come back home. I can literally get a ticket now. All I have to do is open a new tab. 

But we all know that's not gonna happen. I could, but I won't. Why? Because apparently, I am an adult now. 

I celebrated my 25th birthday last June 15, alone. Well not entirely alone. I was working on the 14th till midnight making sandwiches for dozens of people. I was surrounded by complete strangers during the lowest point in my life. Over-dramatic right? 

Pero totoo talaga. THAT MOMENT, that was the lowest point in my life SO FAR. That was the time I realized that THIS IS MY LIFE NOW. This is what I have to endure for all the birthdays to come.

I don't intend this to be a sad rant to be honest. I understand how pathetic these all sound, believe me. "Fuck, celebrating a birthday while working in CANADA is THE lowest point of your life?!" Fucking shameful. How insensitive are you to those who actually have REAL problems?? 

Yeah, I know how shitty this sounds. I also know that I sound like a complete bitch, a whiny bitch. But I am not complaining about how my life turned out to be. Why the fuck would I complain? Who exactly do I blame for this?

NONE! NO ONE!

I have all the decisions. I could go home and drink and smoke and fuck and shower myself with all the sins of the world for the rest of my life and be happy. But no. I CHOOSE this. What I have now. Whatever this is. The mundane. 

Delayed gratification. 

Delayed gratification is the only thing that keeps me going. I'll stay like this for a year or two. I will endure this. Kailangan e. Responsable tayo. 

Tapos ako ng pagaaral sa isang respetadong unibersidad sa Pinas. Buo pa ang pamilya ko, may bahay ako, sasakyan, mga damit na gusto ko, may trabaho, may ipon, punyeta may internet ako... SA CANADA. Sa isang FIRST WORLD COUNTRY.

Pero hindi kasi to yung buhay na inasam ko. Oo punyeta THANKFUL AKO. Maniwala ka sa hindi, Nagpapasalamat ako sa biyaya at sa estado ng buhay ko. Napaka IRONIC, pero hindi ko maipaliwanag sa salita. Siguro maiintindihan lang to ng taong nakakaranas din ng nararamdaman ko ngayon. Pagkaulila. Pakiramdam na wala kang karamay.

Yung mga bagay na hindi maibibigay ng Pamilya o ngkamaganak lamang. 

Balang araw. Uuwe ako. Sa ngayon, wala akong ibang inisip kundi magipon ng sapat para makayanan ko nang manatili sa Pilipinas ng pang habang buhay. Sa ngayon... 

Sa ngayon lang huh.

Baka naman bukas makalawa, matutunan ko narin mahalin tong bansang umampon sakin. Baka bukas makalawa maniwala narin ako sa sabi sabing mas maganda ang buhay dito. 

Sana nga. Sana nagdadrama lang ako. Sana epekto padin to ng Homesickness. Isang taong homesickness. Sana bukas makalawa..

Pero sa ngayon... Bubukas muna ko ng bagong tab.