Dadaloy Din Ang Ginhawa - Maynilad

It's been almost a year... almost a year since I left my home country... been that long since I genuinely felt at home. 

I can't believe how time went by that fast, when I can't seem to remember a time when I had fun, when I actually laughed out loud.

My question really, is not how long I CAN endure this misery, but how long do I HAVE to. Thing is, I can always come back home. I can literally get a ticket now. All I have to do is open a new tab. 

But we all know that's not gonna happen. I could, but I won't. Why? Because apparently, I am an adult now. 

I celebrated my 25th birthday last June 15, alone. Well not entirely alone. I was working on the 14th till midnight making sandwiches for dozens of people. I was surrounded by complete strangers during the lowest point in my life. Over-dramatic right? 

Pero totoo talaga. THAT MOMENT, that was the lowest point in my life SO FAR. That was the time I realized that THIS IS MY LIFE NOW. This is what I have to endure for all the birthdays to come.

I don't intend this to be a sad rant to be honest. I understand how pathetic these all sound, believe me. "Fuck, celebrating a birthday while working in CANADA is THE lowest point of your life?!" Fucking shameful. How insensitive are you to those who actually have REAL problems?? 

Yeah, I know how shitty this sounds. I also know that I sound like a complete bitch, a whiny bitch. But I am not complaining about how my life turned out to be. Why the fuck would I complain? Who exactly do I blame for this?

NONE! NO ONE!

I have all the decisions. I could go home and drink and smoke and fuck and shower myself with all the sins of the world for the rest of my life and be happy. But no. I CHOOSE this. What I have now. Whatever this is. The mundane. 

Delayed gratification. 

Delayed gratification is the only thing that keeps me going. I'll stay like this for a year or two. I will endure this. Kailangan e. Responsable tayo. 

Tapos ako ng pagaaral sa isang respetadong unibersidad sa Pinas. Buo pa ang pamilya ko, may bahay ako, sasakyan, mga damit na gusto ko, may trabaho, may ipon, punyeta may internet ako... SA CANADA. Sa isang FIRST WORLD COUNTRY.

Pero hindi kasi to yung buhay na inasam ko. Oo punyeta THANKFUL AKO. Maniwala ka sa hindi, Nagpapasalamat ako sa biyaya at sa estado ng buhay ko. Napaka IRONIC, pero hindi ko maipaliwanag sa salita. Siguro maiintindihan lang to ng taong nakakaranas din ng nararamdaman ko ngayon. Pagkaulila. Pakiramdam na wala kang karamay.

Yung mga bagay na hindi maibibigay ng Pamilya o ngkamaganak lamang. 

Balang araw. Uuwe ako. Sa ngayon, wala akong ibang inisip kundi magipon ng sapat para makayanan ko nang manatili sa Pilipinas ng pang habang buhay. Sa ngayon... 

Sa ngayon lang huh.

Baka naman bukas makalawa, matutunan ko narin mahalin tong bansang umampon sakin. Baka bukas makalawa maniwala narin ako sa sabi sabing mas maganda ang buhay dito. 

Sana nga. Sana nagdadrama lang ako. Sana epekto padin to ng Homesickness. Isang taong homesickness. Sana bukas makalawa..

Pero sa ngayon... Bubukas muna ko ng bagong tab.