I understand that this blog is supposed to be an extension of my subconscious but there are so many things that I CAN'T share with the world, because one, it's unbelievably fucked up, and second, it all happened when I was still a kid.
I take comfort in knowing there are a couple of people who've done fucked up things when they were young too... but what I'm really anxious about is not what I've done in the past, but mostly of the things that I've already thought about at a young age.
Thoughts that are incredibly taboo, disturbing, inappropriate and utterly disgusting. Thing is, I can still remember the day when I consciously asked myself whether or not it's normal, I was aware of what's happening in my mind. I literally felt nauseous thinking about the consequences of my "imagination" as a kid when I grow up. I believe I was 10, not sure, but I know I was in Grade 5 at the time. I can't sleep because I was wondering if I would still be thinking about these abnormalities when I grow up, and if it's gonna fuck me up in the long run.
What exactly is the whole point of this post? I guess, I wanted to fully understand whether or not a person can change over time. The real change. The significant kind of change that would affect your points of view about things you feel strongly about.
I guess opinions can vary as you progress through life. It's normal. Opinions are changed whenever you're influenced with a fact or by another opinion. You can strongly believe in one thing now and refuse to believe it the next day.
Alam mo yung mga style mo nung highschool na putangina talaga!! Yung tipong shiiet putangina talaga hahaha ayoko nang tandaan. Pero FUUUCK! yung mga emo days pa, pati yung mga punyetang email address dati. TANGINA AYOKO NA! hahahaha paano ko naiisip na cool yun?!! Yung pag nakikita mo yung mga dating pic mo, tangina talaga bakit!! Ako ba talaga yan? Ba't blue ang mata? Taena shit talaga salamat puberty.
But besides your idea of what's "cool" before and what's not, You have got to have some beliefs that you no longer stand by with today.
I have so many. So so many. You see, I was a complete smart ass before. I kinda had a feeling like I'm the "smartest" kid in the room even when I'm not. I always felt like my mind was so ahead of its time that I always make some pretentious assumptions, or some statements that would trigger arguments from people around me. Having this kind of mentality, and arrogance, there would be a need for me to over analyze my statements, a need for me to be very clear and certain of my opinion. I need to personally believe in the things I say.
Today, remembering things that I've said back in high school, makes me feel ashamed of myself. I can feel my gut wrenching as I think about the times I stood up for something that I absolutely disgust now.
Example lang, naalala ko yung Christian Living teacher ko, ang topic namin e yung Black Nazareno. Kung ano ang opinyon ng klase sa mga taong nakikipag-sapalaran para mahawakan yung Poon.
Tangina, sabi ko talaga, Ang tatanga naman nila. Ang tanga tanga ni nanay, ba't anjan pa siya, hindi nalang siya maglaba. No kidding, this is what I said to my professor. He's a very understanding man so he didn't care for my language, he just really wanted an insight from his students.
He then said, "So si Noli De Castro ay masasabi mo ding tanga? Si Noli De Castro?" Tapos ako tong si totoy bibo, "Opo, sir blah blah tangina matalino ako shit malakas loob ko haha bobo sila talino ako.. inom ako clorox ser"
Meron pang time na nag log-in ako sa Green Archers na portal ng DLSU Manila, gamit ang "green_quiver" na user name. AHAHHAHA PUTANGINA TALAGA.
Basta, kung ano anong pinagsasabi ko dun. Yung tipong may mga "Ganyan naman kayong mga mayayaman, ang baba ng mga tingin niyo saming mga mahihirap. Parepareho naman tayong nagaaral." Mga ganun ganun pa ko! punyeta talaga, kinikilabutan ako ngayun, pero pag naiisip ko shit talaga. Ang pinaka-masakit no'n, Hindi nila ko pinatulan. Hindi sila nagalit o nag-react negatively sa "flame bait" ko na "trolling" na ngayun. They responded with, "Hi green_quiver (PUTANGINA TALAGA), I'm sorry if you felt that way... blah blah blah condescending ako, kahit totoong mga sinasabi mo na mababa tingin namin sanyo, i-paparaphrase ko nalang para gumaan ang pakiramdam mo habang pinapahiya talaga kita. But I wish you all the luck. But I'm afraid, as the moderator of this forum, I'm gonna need to block you."
Grabeng kahihiyan ko nun. Yung tipong kahit hindi kami nagkikita at kahit hindi nila alam kung sino talaga ako, ang sakit sakit. Dinamdam ko hanggang pagtulog. Pero tandaan niyo guys, during this time, MATALINONG MATALINO na ang tingin ko sa sarili ko neto. Pero shit...
This scenario opened my mind to so many possibilities. A possibility to understand the limits of my strengths. The possibility of changing the way I think. On how to improve my way of speaking. Mostly, the possibility of understanding that opinions vary and the possibility that it could change over time.
Yes. There are things that will stay the way it is. The never ending question of whether a person can truly change or do they stay the same but with a little more inhibition.
If one person improves, does he change, or does he stay the same. Is he still the same person inside?
I personally think that nobody really changes. I know this totally contradicts everything that I've just said. But I really believe that, yes, you can change one thing about yourself, maybe your appearance or your style, maybe your manner of speaking, or maybe your religion, or your nationality, your political view, your crimes, your sins, your psyche, but at the end of the day, these things have been a valuable part of your whole existence. Whether you deny them now or not, it's a part of you. You were that kid. You were once that person. If you murdered someone, you're a killer.
Ewan ko ba. Baka naman bukas iba na ulit pananaw ko. Malay ba natin. Baka naman nagmamarunong lang ako dito't nag fe-flame bait na naman. Kung ganun, edi totoo nga, hindi talaga ako nagbago. Eto parin ako nag ste-state ng opinion na parang kampanteng-kampanteng tama ako.
I still think of what could've been, if I wasn't a fucked up kid back then. I don't even remember why I grew up having these thoughts. Was it in my genes? or was I influenced by my surroundings? I really don't know. I'm quite certain that I was raised by the best parents in the world, with morals and shit. I grew up in a very safe and a family friendly environment. I had a pretty healthy childhood. I wasn't a loner, I had friends, I have good shits. Fuck. I'm just realizing how similar my life now from back then and I still have these thoughts. Same fucked up thoughts.
Am I still normal?
I'm getting nauseous.
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