Epic Failure at ang Istorya ng mga Dahon ng Gabi

Minsan kampante ka na magiging okay ang lahat, kahit walang kasiguraduhan, naniniwala kang magiging okay ang lahat. Bakit ka naman magdududa, e halos buong buhay mo nang nararanasan at nararamdaman yung ganong sitwasyon. Alam mo na sa sarili mo kung kailan ka hihinto, at kung kelan ka magpapatuloy. Pero imahinasyon lang pala yon. Minsan din talaga darating at darating ang panahon na magkakamali ka at hindi mo matatantya na tae na pala yun. Buong paniniwala ko na utot lang siya. Nasa karpet pa man din ako nakaupo. Malas din na laing yung kinain ko netong umaga. Ramdam ko siyang dumadaloy sa hita ko. Ramdam ko yung init. Pakiramdam ko ang dumi dumi ko. Sa pag punta ko sa CR, dahan dahan kong hinubo yung pajama ko sa takot na baka kumalat o bumagsak sa sahig. Pero nagtagumpay ako, hindi sya kumalat. Pagupo ko sa inodoro, sabay ng pagbagsak ng dumi ko ay sabay bumuhos yung mga salitang "Sana hindi ko na ni-risk" "Sana hindi nalang ako nagtiwala na okay lang ang lahat." 


Hindi ko na hinayaan yung sarili ko na labhan yung boxers ko, tinapon ko na siya sa basurahan. Sa pag sampa ko sa bathtub para hugasan ang mga binti ko, kitang kita kong malayang naglalanguyan ang mga dahon ng gabi sa tub. Ang saya. Paikot ikot silang naglalaro hanggang tuluyan na silang maglaho.

Sana talaga hindi ko na ni-risk.

I think I was in 2nd year high school when I was chosen to be one of the few students who were sent to Ateneo de Manila to take an exam for summer classes, or to know if you're eligible to study there for college. I was extremely excited and incredibly nervous. I felt like this exam will determine if I will be successful in the future or not. I think I was 15 at that time, 2nd year highschool e. In retrospect, I feel like as a 15-year old kid, one should really not be putting that much importance in what you should be in the future. But I did. I imagine myself walking the corridors of Ateneo and eventually graduating with honors. See, I am not exceptionally smart. I wasn't born with a brain, designed to be outstanding in terms of academics. Don't even get me started with Math. What I can do is use all my resources to achieve a certain goal. I may not be innately smart, but I know how to study as fuck. I am very proud and very determined when trying to achieve something that I really want.

But for some reason, I don't know what got into me, I didn't even make an effort to study for the exams. I was really stupid and got way overconfident with what I already know. I don't understand why I trusted myself thinking that I will pass the exams.

Ang haba ng pila. First time ko nun sa Ateneo. Grabe probinsyanong probinsyano ang datingan ko nun. Lingon dito lingon doon. Hinding hindi pa ko makapaniwala na may ercon yung CR nila. Tsaka marmol shit! Hindi linoleum o de-tiles. Marmol!

Tapos ang lawak lawak ng lugar. Lahat ng mga estudyante parang hindi sanay sa alikabolk. Tsaka parang lahat naka braces. Ilang na ilang pako magtanong tanong kasi baka Inglishin ako. 

Tapos ayun na. Pagpasok namin sa class room, ang saya ko kasi walang ercon, de elektrik fan lang hahaha daig pa namin sa Cavite. Haha pero malamig naman kasi open field yung tanawin sa bintana.

First exam. English. "Fuck! Sisiw" Kung tutuusin, English kasi pinaka malakas na subject ko. Kahit hindi halata sa mga wrong gramming ko dito.

First question. Synonym antonym.

"Which word has the closest meaning to the word liaison?" 

PUTANGINA talaga! hinding hindi ko makakalimutan to. Malay ko ba sa LIAISON! First question palang nanlamig na yung pawis ko. Parang taeng taena nako. 15 years old. Malay ko naman sa liaison. Di naman namin ginagamit yun sa kabite. Tsaka bakit an daming "i". Ni hindi ko alam kung pano bigkasin yan.

Meron pang. synonyms ng HONEST!
a) Sincere b) Genuine c) Truthful d) Righteous

Putang ina talaga. Puro mura na nasa isip ko nyan. Kasi seryoso ba to??? E pare parehas lang yan e! 
Alam mo yung parang ang tanga tanga mo kasi, ano nga bang synonyms ng Honest?? Umiikot na ung paningin ko na parang naiiyak na ko kasi pakiramdam ko ako yung pinaka bobo sa classroom na yun. Laking sampal sa mukha ko ung reyalidad na madami pa talaga akong kakaining bigas.

Yung pinasa na yung Math exams samin, alam kong wala ng pagasa. Binigyan pa ko ng tatlong puting puting bond paper para "scratch" daw. Habang pinagmamasdan yung test papers, iniisip ko nalang tumalon sa bintanan o kaya itusok ung Monggol no. 2 sa mata ko para matapos na yung paghihirap.

Nagmamasid masid ako sa mga katabi ko kung pareho kami ng sitwasyon, pero nakita ko silang gamit na gamit yung "scratch" paper nila. Samantalang yung akin ang linis linis padin, walang bahid ng lukot. Ang ending kunyari nag sulat sulat nalang ako sa "scratch" para kunyari may alam ako. hahahaha alam mo yung natatawa ka sa kagaguhan mo pero masakit. Grabe talaga kung ano anong mga Cosign cosign tangent mga pinagsusulat ko dun kahit Geometry talaga yung test. Bahala na talaga si batman.

I tried so hard to bury this memory in the past. I keep on hoping that I could forget about this part of my life because it still haunts me til this day. I felt so stupid, I was so ashamed of myself. I still consider that as THE WORST failure in my entire life to date.

I could've prepared for it. I could've become the only one in the family who graduated from Ateneo. 

Failure. Growing up, self evaluation thought me that I don't react to failure very well. I am not used to failing something that I know I can pass. I don't fight battles I know I'd lose. This limits me from failing throughout my life. I always know I'm going to be successful even when I was a kid. This is not even a brag, coz I feel like everybody thinks this way too... they just can't say it outright coz they're afraid it will be taken as being conceited. Again, I am a very proud person, a very determined one. So when I fail, I take it seriously. And there is nothing wrong with that. 

Failure did manage to make me a better person. It always drives me mad and focused and careful. 

So when I failed my driving test, it fucking killed me. It shattered my confidence level. It's like 2nd year high all over again. In my defense, I never really had formal training when it comes to the rules and regulations of the road here in Canada. How would I know that you have to fucking count 1-2-3 before turning right on a red light!!! 

But yeah, NO EXCUSES. A fail is a fail.

I will never ever forget this. This is honestly the one thing that holds me back from feeling like an actual adult. I got myself a house, a car, a job, a social life, insurance, a retirement plan, savings, great credit score, fucking groceries, but I still can't drive.

November 22, 2017, Wednesday, 11 am. 
I passed my Driving Exam!

I honestly can't believe it. Because I know that if I fail one more time, I would fucking lose it. It would probably take me two or four years to finally get my confidence back. (exaggeration)

But I passed. I studied. I took my time. I was careful. I was dedicated.

It makes me happy to know that there's someone who kept on doubting that I'd pass the exams, and yet he can't pass himself for the 5th time now. 

It makes me so happy that shitty people stays shitty. That's probably my mission in life. To make good people prosper and wreck the shitty ones.




See I have one thing he doesn't. Humility. HAHAHA it doesn't seem like it, but yeah. Acceptance that YOU ARE NOT THE GREATEST PERSON ALIVE. Acceptance that you are capable of mistakes, that you will fail once in a while. That somehow, you'll need to stop, and listen, and learn. That you can... and will fail.


Failure is always around the corner. When they say "There's no crying over spilled milk"... I really believe that. You just have to shake shit off and move on. That's just it. Maybe take time to evaluate your mistakes and what you can do to correct them, but that's just it. Move on. 

Ngayon, naisip ko lang. Kahit pala bumasak ako sa Ateneo, parang masayan parin naman ako e, nakukuha ko naman yung mga trip ko. Pakiramdam ko naman successful parin ako. Iniisip ko rin na kung pumasa ako sa Ateneo, hindi ko makikilala ang mga kaibigan ko sa Lasalle Dasma.

Yung mga kaibigang pang-matagalan. Hindi ko rin siguro mararanasan yung maginom at mag saya ng walang humpay. Yung mga kalokohang naeenjoy ko talaga. Hindi siguro ako makakatambay sa tabi ng kalsada ng disoras ng gabi habang nag%?%&?%, at nag&*?&*?(*. Tipong di ko siguro mararanasang `MABUHAY` nung college. 

Hindi naman din kasi ako bagay sa Ateneo. Baka buong maghapon ko lang pinagloloko yung paraan nila nang pagsasalita. Baka wala nga kong maging tropa dun. Baka ako lang yung namumukud tanging nagdadala ng sugo sa inuman. Baka hindi naman talaga para sakin.


Yung mga simpleng failure parang kayang kaya naman yan. Maliit na bagay. Pero yung mga di mo talaga inaasahan, yung mga bagay na kumpyansa kang okay lang ang lahat, at yung mga bagay na inaasam asam mo, pag nabigo ka, yun talaga yung magpapatumba sayo e. Yun talaga yung mapapaisip ka nalang na "Sana hindi ko nalang ni-risk"

Kagaya ng pagutot mo kahit tae na pala, biglaan, hindi mo inaasahan. Ganun din dumarating ang failure. At the back of your mind iniisip mo na may posibilidad na tae ito, pero nga dahil posibilidad lang to at walang kasiguraduhan, ilalaban mo. 

Nasasayo nalang yan kung hahayaan mong kumalat sa hita mo't manatiling mabaho't basa, o tatayo ka para maghugas at maramdamang hindi dito natatapos ang lahat.