"Makauwe Lang Talaga Lord, Makauwe lang talaga"

It's been a while since I've written something on this blog. Maybe it's because I don't really have something to write. And that usually means I have nothing to complain about. Which is actually a good thing. Ironically, the last post that I've written was about not giving a fuck. So I guess not putting too much care on just about everything is essential to one's contentment. 

Although I'm not gonna pretend like everything's actually satisfactory. Of course money is still an issue but it has always been an issue. Sky's blue that sort of thing.

There's one thing that I need to work on though. My health. 

The other day I had to go to a sleep doctor to assess my sleeping situation. Because apparently my snoring, according to the people who can't help but watch me in my sleep, is quite annoying. So yeah, One day I just said fuck it, let's waste an hour driving to the clinic and receive verbal abuse from a doctor preaching how abnormal my life choices are, on how my diet is a little bit off the grid, and that I shouldn't be smoking or drinking pfft. Like he knows something about health stuff huh.. I snore! Big fucking deal. 

But kidding aside, I've never felt so naked and vulnerable while hearing those "truths" from the doctor. Funny thing is that I know about these things anyway. In fact everybody does! We just happen to shrug it off and choose to ignore it every single time it gets brought up. But I can no longer run from it. It's more like, either take care of this now or die from a heart attack at 30, which is fucking 3 years from now!

In fucking 3 years I'll be 30! THIRTY!! Fuuuucckkk!! Thinking about it already stresses me out. Aside from my Sleep Apnea, I think what's really stressing me out is that I wanted to do so many things in my life but there's always this thought that I might not have the luxury of time. Which is fucked up and a little over too dramatic. Because, fuck, 30 is still really, very young. 

It's just, why... why do I have to care about this soo fucking much. Am I trying to compensate for something that I never had when I was younger? I really don't know. But life shouldn't be this complicated. I guess I'm just afraid of living a very dull life. I'm scared of living in the mundane where everything is black and white. Funny thing is that I'm pretty sure this doesn't make me unique. I know some people who go the extra mile to fulfill a very exhilirating and meaningful life just to feel temporary satisfaction, and moves on to the next train and moves on and on and on. Not stopping. Desiring to squeeze every little surprise life has to offer. You see, I want that. I don't mean following "Into the wild" where I'd burn my money and live in a deserted mountain or go full on eat pray love to satisfy my inner peace. I just want my life to count.

I see people everyday who just, i dunno, I feel like they could be something else. I feel like they haven't reached their full potential and I feel bad about that. Well not really coz I don't really give a fuck. But I care in a way that I wonder if they have a plan for themselves, or whether they care about the future. Do they actually want their own house, or do they even want to establish a career, or a business maybe. Do they care about finding that sweet spot where they can actually say that life is worth living.  Or is it just me? 

Hahaha baka ako lang talaga. Tangina baka naman nasobrahan lang ako sa imagination.

Pangatlong kape ko na kasi to. 12 am narin ng madaling araw. Pero gusto ko lang siguro balikan tong araw na to kaya ako nakapag sulat. 27. Ang bilis ng panahon badtrip. 27 na June na ang nakalipas mula ng ipinanganak ako. 

At habang tumatakbo yung oras, sumasagi na rin sa isip ko na umiiksi narin pala ang buhay ko. Hindi naman talaga, kasi 27 palang naman ako, pero kumbaga, topic na siya e. Parte na siya ng conversation. Kumbaga nung mga 18 ako ni hindi ko kahit kelan inalala tong kamatayan.

O siguro dumadagdag narin yung minsan pag magbubukas ka ng Facebook, makikita mo yung mga post na "Sana masaya ka na jan brad", "Bakit iniwan mo agad kami", "Parekoy mamimis ka namin dito". Yung mapapaisip ka nalang na, kaedad ko lang yun a, namatay na pala.


Mapapa shit ka nalang talaga. Walang biro parang laging yun reaksyon ko pag nakakabasa ako ng ganong post. Nagpapasalamat nalang ako na wala pa naman sa mga kaibigan o kamaganak ko yung nauna na. Nababasa ko lang yung mga post ng tropa ng tropa. Pero ano kaya pakiramdam nun. Dati kainuman mo lang. Kabiruan mo lang nung isang araw. Kaalitan. Kashare mo lang ng mic sa videoke. Tapos mababalitaan mo nalng inatake na pala. O napagtripan isang gabi.

Pero yung masakit talaga e yung realization na pwedeng ikaw yun e. Kaedad mo lang yun e. Pwedeng isang araw hindi ka na gumising kasi nasobrahan ka ng tagay na sinabayan mo pa ng tatlong balut. Yung masakit na alam mong nagawa nyo din yung magtotropa. Yung naalala mo na may isang outing na sobrang lasing kayong lahat tapos kelangan nyong umuwe ng maaga kasi wala na kayong pangextend sa resort. Tapos kelangan nyong magdrive at bumyahe kahit lasing na lasing pa kayo. Isang segundo lang. Isang segundo lang ng pagpapabaya, ilang buhay na yung mawawala. Tandang tanda ko yun. Pero tangina, andami palang pangyayari na nilagay ko yung buhay ko sa alanganin. Tipong bakit ngayon ko lang naiisip to. Pero kung sabagay, alam naman NATIN to e. Sa tuwing naglalasing ako ng sobra sa Maynila at kelangang umuwe sa Cavite, lagi akong nagdadasal habang pigil na pigil sa pagsuka sa bus na "sana makauwe lang talaga". Habang nakasakay ako sa tricycle papuntang subdivision ng mga 3 am, habang naglalaro sa isip ko na baka holdapin ako ni manong at itapon nalng yung katawan ko sa mga talahiban ng Gen tri, lagi kong dasal "Lord sana makauwe lang talaga". Sabay idlip sa tric. 

Siguro dahil narin sa sobrang kalasingan kaya hindi ko na iniinda to nung "kabataan" ko. O baka dahil narin pakiramdam ko sa kaloob-looban ko na, BATA ako e. Kelangan kong maranasan to at kailangnan ko MAGENJOY! Magpakasaya. Minsan lang to e. 

Ayun na nga. Totoo nga. Minsan nga lang yun. Hahaha. Tangina ano na ngyayari sakin. Bakit para na kong magulang kung magisip, Parang ayoko na ng ganon. Parang ayoko ng maginum ng sobra na tipong literal na wala ng bukas. Parang ayoko ng irisk inumin yung huling bote ng Mucho para lang masabi ko na kaya ko pa at strong ako e. Parang sige. Okay nako. May tama na e. 

Naisip ko lang din, baka naman kasi nakita ko na yung potensyal ng buhay ko. Kasi sa sobrang dami ng responsibilidad ko ngayon, parang wala narin akong panahon para ipigpilitan ko pa na "Strong ako e".
Nakita ko narin na may posibilidad pala yung mga pangarap lang dati. Kumbaga nung "kabataan" ko, pangarap ko na talagang mag ka farm, o mag ka resort, magkabahay magkakotse... pangarap palang. Pero kasi ngayon. Ngayong 27 na ko. Unti unti ko ng natutupad e. Kumbaga binabayaran ko na ng literal yung bahay na hinahangad ko lang dati. Buwan buwang kinakaltasan yung bank account ko ng pang-insurance sa kotse ko. 

Parang kung pagpipilitan kong bumalik sa mga dati kong gawain... sa dati kong ugali, baka hindi ko na makita yung unang bunga ng magga sa farm ko.

Let's make things absolutely clear though. I will still go apeshit when it comes to drinking. I won't go full on "Hindi na ko nagiinom e, pass muna". Tangina hainan mo ko ng Redhorse tutunggain ko parin yan... pero siguro wala ng sisig. Sipul sipul nalang o kaya singkamas, carrots o kamias nalang. Kumbaga... in moderation. Naks! Tangina naman.

Pero kung dati ang depinisyon ko ng YOLO ay sagarin mo na habang bata ka kasi minsan lang yan, baka ngayon, dahan dahan lang kasi minsan ka lang mabubuhay, wag mong madaliin.

Hindi ko talaga makalimutan yung facebook nung namatay na tropa ng tropa ko. Habang binabasa ko yung mga post ng mga kaibigan niya, parang ang hirap. Kasi pano kaya yun no? Hindi ko maimagine kung sa kaibigan ko mangyayari yun. Wag naman sana. Pero habang binabasa ko yung mga post sakanya, biglang sumasagi yung mga mukha ng mga tropa ko sa isip ko. Tipong sakit sa dibdib. Kasi kaedaran lang namin yun. Bakit ka kaagad kinuha.


While browsing through his facebook wall, I began thinking of how it would look like if I was the one on his end. What will my friends say about me. Will they really care? I fucking hope so. Hahaha but fuck. I started thinking of giving my best friends my facebook password so they can moderate what's posted. But yeah. I guess it's a little grim and a little scary. But I guess we need to talk about this. We need to talk about death. Not because we want to attract it, but because somehow we need to prepare ourselves for this universal truth. I understand people's fear of death, but what we shouldn't be scared of is talking about it.

I fucking hope nothing bad will happen to me after writing this post. This is not a fucking premonition! This is not some sort of a farewell letter. Holy fuck now I'm a little bit scared about people thinking I'd commit suicide or shit. I still need my rest house in Baler. 

Truthfully, I wanted to write this down because I wanted myself, and everyone around me to take care of themselves. The kind where we actually go visit a doctor when we feel strange. Or when we take our vices in moderation, or quit them if need be. To stay out of trouble, to make sure we get to go home safe and sane. I really hate myself when I become preachy. It feels like when you spread the good word, people automatically shuns you and go the other way. Human nature. God knows I hate preaching and how I act like I'm a role model and the beacon of light for people in distraught. But please allow me to become this just this one time. Because I really don't know how to begin a farewell post to someone really close to me.

Sana kung asa labas ka ngayon, at pakiramdam mo isang bote nalang ang namamagitan sa minsanang kaligayahan at kamatayan, Pass mo nalng muna. Bukas naman. Wag tayong magunahan. Chill lang.

Ang Pagiyak ng Kapatid ni Dimples Romana

I was in the shower contemplating about my life choices and how it changed my whole perspective in life. I could probably be done taking a shower in 10 minutes but it always takes me about half an hour tops to finish, because I spend the rest of the time thinking about LIFE itself. It is a good feeling. I should probably use that time to actually scrub anything from the thighs down but nobody really cares about anything under your crotch area.



One time, I thought of an instance when a hotel guest got mad at me for something incredibly irrational. Long story short, He was wrong and I was right, I didn't argue. I stayed silent and did my best to get it over with. I just stopped giving a fuck.

 There was an argument that needs to be said and done right at the moment. But fuck, that moment, it's probably because I was already exhausted and I'm about to be off in 15 minutes anyway, but that moment, I realized I was done with THAT phase. 

I just didn't give a fuck anymore.

So while I was marinating my hair with CLEAR anti dandruff shampoo, I begin to think of the reasons, and past instances that lead me to my new way of handling people's shits.

I am pretty sympathetic. I understand how to adapt to people's emotion. I can naturally adjust to the ambiance of the surrounding. I often know what to say and when to say stuff to make a person feel what he or she needs to feel at the time. I always make sure that I put myself in the situation first before I fire up a reaction or a sentiment. I am always very careful about the gestures, the eye-movements, and the words that is being said in a conversation.

Or at least I was. Well fuck I still am this person, I still try my best to sympathize and shit... but I can very much feel the difference between my old self and the new one.

Alam ko naman kung bakit. Napagod narin kasi siguro ako magkaroon ng pakialam. Hindi naman siya phase e. Kasi madami din akong kilala na sobrang maraming pakialam sa buhay ng may buhay hanggang ngayon. Yung masyadong concerned. Wala naman masama siguro sa pag-aalala sa kapwa, pero siguro nga lahat ng sobra nakakasama. Kakapagod kasi. Kakaumay.

Hindi ko talaga makakalimutan yung contestant sa PBB teen edition. Pinatawag yung kapatid ata ni Dimples Romana sa confession room. Tapos iyak siya ng iyak dahil yung mga housemates niya nagaaway away daw. Tapos sabi niya kay koya na, "Wala kasi akong magawa para mapasaya sila e" Yung tipong pakiramdam niya obligasyon niyang paligayahin yung mga kasama niya sa bahay, yung tipong inako niya yung responsibilidad na maging masaya lahat ng tao. Hindi ko na matandaan kung anong year yun, pero alam ko bata parin ako nun, pero katakot takot na mura na yung nabuo sa isip ko nung mga panahong yun.

Kasi, putangina ka, ano bang problema mo? hahahaha yung galit ko talaga hindi masukat. Kasi yamot na yamot ako habang umiiyak siya na putangina talaga, sino ka ba sa tingin mo? Magaapply ka bang bagong santo? Downline ka ba ni San Pedro para umarteng may pakialam ka sa mga taong isang buwan mo lang naman makakasama?

Pero lipas na yun. Nanalo na si Kim Chiu. Nakarekober na ko't sana nakarekober narin siya. Sana phase lang talaga yun. Sana maramdaman niya na hindi niya pasan ang mundo para magiiyak siya ng ganon. Sana dala lang yun ng kakitidan ng utak epekto ng murang kaisipan.

Meron pang isang tropa, tropa naman, pero sablay lang nung mga panahong yun. Sarap sarap ng inuman, masaya lahat. Turn ko na sa videoke, tapos salubong pa yung shot. Biglang may nagaway sa may labas. Gusto ba naman makisali kasi treasurer ata ng home owner's association ng subdivision nila ung naagrabyado.

Pambihira yung yamot ko. Tipong, seryoso ka ba? May away din sa Olongapo, sa Marawi, sa Sudan, sali ka din? 

Pagkatapos ko magbanlaw, parang may bumatok sakin na napamulat ako ng bahagya. Para dramatic. Tipong narealize ko, baka ako naman talaga yung mali. Baka ako yung may diperensya. Baka normal naman sa tao na magkaroon ka ng pakialam.

Don't get me wrong. I could be very involved. Especially around friends. There was a point in my life where I took the role of the "shoulder to cry on", the secret keeper, the friends with benefits, yung alalay ni panday, yung tagapagtanggol ng naaapi, yung taga sagot sa magulang nang may magulang, yung tinatawagan ng magulang pag ginagabi na yung anak niya, yung taga hatid sundo, yung taga libre, yung kaladkarin, yung bida-man, yung kapatid ni Dimples Romana.


Pero yun na nga. Bat di ko na siya maramdaman? Gusto ko isisi sa pagiging busy, o sa dami ng mga isipin, o sa pagmahal ng mga bilihin, pero minsan kasi parang kahit sa pamilya, nawalan narin ako ng BOOM! Yung urgency ba. Yung tipong sa isang pitik lang ramdam mo na yung "pake". Bakit ngayon parang pag may mabigat na problema, parang may ilang segundo pa ko para isipin kung ano yung dapat ko maramdaman, at dapat kong ipakitang emosyon. Parang scripted. Parang hindi totoo.


Ako lang ba to? Malamang hindi. Dami namang taong walang pakialam e. Yung tipong makasarile. Walang iniisip kung hindi yung sarili nila. Yung may pakialam lang pag may kailangan sila. Kapag beneficial lang sakanila tumutulong. Anjan lang pag may kailangan. User-friendly.

Hays. Wala lang. Gulat lang si ako. Grabe yung transition.
Nakakatakot lang, parang wala na kong nararamdaman. Laging logic yung mas matimbang. Laging may rason. Parang calculated pa yung amount ng emosyon na dapat kong ipakita. Patay? saklap. Hiwalay na sila? Ayt. Galit si ano? ok. May cancer siya? sad face.

The irony of it all is that I care so much about my not caring, to write about it. So does that mean I actually care? Who fucking knows. Who the fuck cares! But then again, I do remember praying about this when I was younger and a lot dumber. I remember praying to God to make me NOT care about people so much, to NOT feel shit. I still remember that night. Fuck I was sooo young. I was too young to pray for these kinds of things. But I do remember why I prayed for it in the first place. I was too tired of minding people's business and not getting anything in return. I guess God did answer my prayers. It took him 15 years to do so, but it worked.

I'm far from being apathetic, and I have no plans of being one.
Maybe it is a phase. Maybe it's just a matter of choosing between what's important, and what's REALLY important. Choosing what to involve yourself with and choosing to distance your self from any unnecessary drama.

Hindi naman siguro sa wala na kong pakialam, siguro nagkataon lang na naramdaman ko lang na ako naman. Ako muna. 

If in any case you feel the same, If there's a time where you just had to stop lathering rinsing and repeating that CLEAR anti dandruff shampoo on your head, and think about how much you give and how less you receive, just know that you can be selfish. You can put yourself first above others at some point and not feel guilty about it. Guards up, eyes forward, and just fuck it!