Ang Ika-pitong Resume

Alam mo yung sa movies kapag gusto nila ipahiwatig na malungkot yung sitwasyon, yung color scheme nagiging dim... yung tipong laging may palapit na bagyo. Mejo black and white. Parang may filter na grayscale lang yung theme. Lahat parang gloomy, laging parang malungkot.

August 15, 2019 nung mag resign ako sa trabaho. Sa wakas makakapag pahinga din ako, sa wakas nagkaroon din ng isang linggong para sakin lang. Isang linggong walang responsibilidad at walang pinapatakbong business. Paglapag na paglapag namin sa Canada ng pamilya ko, isang buwan lang ang ginugol namin sa pamamasyal. Sumabak na agad kami ng kapatid ko sa trabaho sa pangalawang buwan. Simula nun tuloy tuloy na yung trabaho. Wala ng pahinga. 

Isang linggo. Isang linggo lang ang palugit ko. Pagkatapos nun for sure may trabaho na ulit ako. 
Pasa ng resume dito, pasa doon. Parefer dito, pasuyo doon. Online job search paggising, Online job search bago matulog. 

Dalawang linggo na, wala paring email o tawag... o text man lang. 

Baka daw kasi namimili ako sabi ng tropa. Oo nga naman. Malapit na magkatapusan, si Judith palapit na ng palapit. 

Nagbukas ako ng kabinet sa kusina, sinalubong ako ng mga tsaa at garapon ng Nescafe. Binuksan ko yung ref, maliban sa liwanag na kulay yelo, bumungad sakin ang nanghihingalong ketchup at inaamag na peanut butter. 

Maghahapunan na. Padilim na naman pala. Di ko na namamalayan yung pagandar ng araw. Parang wala ng pagkakaiba yung umaga sa hapon. 

Ayun na nga, sumapit ang atrenta. Kundi dahil sa pagiipon ko't pagtyatyaga, baka napalayas na ko sa apartment. kalahati na ng buwan ang lumipas wala parin akong trabaho.

Ganun pala pag wala kang ginagawa sa buhay, parang ang haba haba... haba haba haba haba haba haba haba ng araw. Parang di matapos tapos. Sinubukan kong itulog umaasang pag gising ko kinabukasan na. Kaya lang malas, 11pm palang pala. 

Hirap na hirap na ko matulog. Sa mga araw na wala pala kong ginagawang prodaktibo, nagugugol pala sa pagkain ng marami't pag inom ng alak. Laking epekto pala ng pagkain ng kalahating kaldero ng kanin yung hindi ko paghinga habang natutulog. Wala ng trabaho, pataba pa ng pataba. Badtrip narin ako tumingin sa salamin. Puta papangit na ko ng papangit.

Gabi gabi takot na takot akong matulog kasi laging masama yung panaginip ko. Hindi ko maintindihan. Lagi akong nagigising every 3 hours. Napansin ko na yung iregularidad ng pagtulog ko kasi paulit ulit na siyang nangyayari sa gabi. Laging masamang panaginip sabay gising at hinga ng malalim, inom ng tubig. 

Mangangalahati na yung September, tambay parin ako. Magiisang buwan ng wala akong matinong tulog. Kumbaga ayaw ng katawan kong matulog kasi bakit nga naman? Hindi naman ako pagod sa trabaho. Yung utak ko laging gising. Pinipilit na magpuyat para daretso tulog. Baka sakaling makaisa at walang bangungot sa pagtulog ko. 

Nakakapagod pala talaga maging tambay. Jusku kala ko joke lang nina Jose yun sa Eat Bulaga. Pero totoo pala. Napakahirap mag bilang ng oras. 

Unti unti na kong nawawalan ng pagasang makahanap ng trabaho. Lahat na pinasahan ko ng resume. Kahit labag na sa kalooban ko at kahit wala nang kinalaman sa kursong kinuha ko. 

Pinaka masakit sa naging sitwasyon ko, kahit kasama ko yung mga kaibigan at pamilya ko, parang nagiisa parin ako. Kahit sa gitna ng inuman, pakiramdam ko nagiisa ako. May ganong feeling. Parang di ka makuntento. Tawa ka ng tawa sa mga session pero kinabukasan balik ka na naman sa realidad na hindi ka umuurong.

I never wanted to sound over dramatic. I was never a fan of self destruction or the feeling of being too helpless. There is always a way to enjoy the day or to smile from time to time. But this time is different.

I was at my lowest point. I am not certain if it is mainly caused by my unemployment, or the fact that I live by myself in an apartment. Regardless of the answer, I know for sure that I feel so alone. Even when around my friends, partying, I felt so lonely.
No amount of drugs, sex or alcohol can relieve the emptiness I was feeling at that time. It came to a point where I just didn't feel like having any of them anymore. I just want everything to be over.


I thought time for myself was necessary. I figured I can use this time to socialize and do things I've always wanted to do now that I don't have to worry about work stuff. There were so much time in my hands to "do life", and yet I feel so down that I don't even know where to begin. 

I don't want to go telling everyone that I am depressed. I surely don't think I am under the category. But crazy how ending my life became an option all of a sudden. Something I will never do or even had the guts to pursue. Crazy, but it was just there, floating around the apartment, reminding me that it could all end when I want to.

I am actually not entirely sure if I was indeed depressed, whatever my condition was, all I know is that everything seemed darker, and that I had difficulties in breathing. My nose were always stuffed and breathing through my mouth is harder than I hoped. I also can't find any silver linings in anything, which I always do when I was in a normal state. I can't find anything good in my situation.

Uulitin ko, hindi ako ganto, sobrang nababanas ako sa mga taong masyadong madaming drama sa buhay. Yun tipong "Ano bang problema mo? Masyado kang nagiinarte. Ayos ayos ng buhay mo e." Bilang ako yung nagsisilbing "Listener, or Adviser" sa grupo, kadalasan ako yung positibo parati. Tipong laging "There's a light at the end of the tunnel" o si "Lilipas din yan"

Malapit na mag tapos ang September... isang buwan at kalahati na kong asa ganitong sitwasyon. Si Judith nagpaparamdam na naman. Tapos na ko. Sukong suko na ko. Sa tuwing naiisip ko na kinakaltasan ng kinakaltasan yung account ko, at alam kong walang babalik sa akinse o atrenta, sobrang hirap kumilos. 

Hanggang napikon narin siguro ako. Napikon narin ang mga kaibigan ko sa sitwasyon. Tama na. Tama na yung isang buwan at kalahati. Para akong inahon sa kumunoy. Iba din talaga ang epekto ng kaibigang may totoong pakialam sayo. Pitong resume. Pitong resume at nanghihingalong gas tank. Walang mangyayari kung di ka kikilos at gagawa ng paraan. 

Baba sa kotse, pasa, sakay, drive, baba, pasa, sakay ulit. Aasa muli na baka sakali sa pitong resume na yun ang swerteng isang buwan at kalahati kong inaantay. 

Trabaho. Sa wakas. Corny man pero biglang lumiwanag lahat. Hindi ko man first choice yung tumawag sakin, sapat na yun para mabuhayan ulit ako ng loob. Biglang nag iba lahat. Biglang bumilis yung panahon. Nakakainis man sabihin pero parang ako na ang naghahabol sa oras. 

Maybe I wasn't really depressed. I might just have been restless. I wasn't used to being a burden. I have never felt so unproductive in my life. I guess I felt for the first time that I don't have any control of the situation. I was relying my future to an HR representative.

The first week of October gave me so much hope. I have been getting job offers left and right. If I can erase the whole month of September in my mind, I would. I can't even count how many times I have played "Wake me up when Sept. ends" in my head. As much as I adore Greenday, nobody deserves to be in that state. Subconsciously I know it was just a phase, but it only dawned on me that I actually have to do something different to pull myself together. And that one different thing was finally asking for help.

Without my friends I wouldn't have tried to get back on my feet every single day. To wake up early just to fall in line in that chilling Edmonton morning breeze, just to grab a couple of Chicken Joys and Yumburgers, those were the highlights of my September. I guess there is in fact a bright white light at the end of the tunnel... and a big fat joyous red bumble bee.

Mama, Papa Paano ka Ginawa?

Galing akong Calgary kahapon (August 19) para magpa renew ng passport. Roadtrip lang. Mga dalawang oras at kalahati siguro yung biyahe. Nakakapagod din pala yun lalo't wala ka masyadong tulog. Ayun, kinabukasan tinirankaso ako ng sobra sobra. Siguro dahil naambunan narin ako habang naglalakad lakad sa Calgary. Lintik na syudad ba naman kasi yun, kahit google maps problemado.

Bumangon akong parang hinazing yung lalamunan ko. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ang sakit sakit ng katawan ko, tas tumitibok tibok pa ung bumbunan ko. Meron pa naman akong tendency sa umaga na pag nahihilo ako, nahihimatay nalang bigla.

Biglang kong hinagilap ung susi ng auto at Apt. Daretso ako ng Asian store para bumili ng isang malaking bote ng Calamansi juice, isang banig ng Strepsils, at isang kahong NeoCitran. 

Iba na yung pakiramdam ko habang nagdadrive, bihira lang naman ako mag kasakit kaya siguro sinulit na ng pagkakataon. Daig ko pa uminom ng ginebra at nag chaser ng tanduay sa pagikot ng mundo ko.

Narealize ko nalang nagdadrive na pala ko papunta sa bahay ng mga magulang ko.

Thing is, My parents and I have not been in good terms for the past 7 months. Tipong hindi yung pabebeng away. Literal na hindi ko sila kinausap in 7 months. I was legitimately upset and incredibly hurt by how things were. It was a fight that determined where I stand in the family unit. It was like my way of saying "shit, I'm in control now".

It was the major push that I needed to finally move out and live on my own. Although I made it seem like it was the ONLY reason why I moved out, when in fact, I have been wanting to live by myself for a while now. Anyway, the fight lasted for a long time. Days pass, months.... Still no response to their apologies. 

I was unforgiving. I told myself there is no way I'm backing down. I have no intentions of making the first move, to make amends, to lower my pride. NO. 

I guess it did help that I can actually live without them at that time. I can fully function independently without their assistance or advice. I was okay.

I have no idea what's going through their minds. I shut down all emotions I can feel towards them. I didn't even bother reading the countless texts I received from them asking for my forgiveness. I was completely certain where I stood during this time.

I will not forgive nor forget.

I buried myself with work and focused my free time with making my apartment a better living space. I find comfort and joy from my friends while fighting every single urge to make peace with my parents.

Sana away bata lang talaga, o yung away na alam mong talaga namang kasalanan mo at naiintindihan mo kung bakit masama ang loob nila sayo. Sana ganon yung away namin e. E hindi.

Narealize ko lang din, habang hindi kami magkasundo ng mga magulang ko, naisip ko yung mga panahong humihingi ng advice yung mga kaibigan ko sakin tungkol sa mga magulang nila. 

Nakakatawa kasi madalas sa madalas, I know for sure na ipaiintindi ko sa kaibigan ko na mali sila, at tama ang magulang nila. Kasi halos lagi naman talaga silang tama e. Halos.

I still remember a friend of mine in high-school who was asked if she has the chance to change her parents, would she take it? and She didn't even flinch, She said yes. proudly.

I was so disappointed and utterly disgusted really, because back then, I didn't know shit. I judged her decision without trying to understand why she said it. 

There was also a time when I had a very sensitive conversation with a very close friend of mine about her parents and their constant marital difficulties.

Funny how these are the topics that we talk about during lunch at this age. We can really feel how time changed us, and made us think more about the better things in life. 

Parang pag dumating ka sa edad na 25 pataas, parang obligado ka nang mag mature...sa isip at sa gawa. Malalaman mo talaga kung mature ka na kung ang mga problema mo ay hindi lang naka sentro sa sarili mo. Tipong sa edad 25 pataas, problema mo yung bigger picture. Siguro kapag yung issues mo laging sagana sa "Ko, Ako, at Akin" Kaysa sa, "Siya, Sila, at Samin" parang wake up call na siguro yun na baka naman kelangan mong huminto at mag tanong tanong kung hanggang kelan ka magiging makasarile. 

Anyway, my friend's parents are constantly bickering and trying to make each other's daily lives miserable. What makes it harder for my friend is that they are very vocal and indiscreet about their fighting. If you haven't experienced or seen your parents fight in front of you, you are one lucky bastard. 

It has taken a very very heavy toll on my friend especially when coming home to them after a week of tedious work, is supposedly the only peace she can get. 

At one point, our conversation became very familiar. Something very common. A cliche. I realized that this issue has always been the case ever since the whole marriage thing existed. And my friend for sure is not the only child who is carrying this burden.

"Bakit parang walang karapatan magalit yung mga anak sa mga magulang nila?" 

"Bakit parang lagi kang obligadong mahalin yung mga magulang mo kahit gaano ka nila nasaktan?" 

"Tipong, kahit yung mga magulang mo ang may kasalanan, ikaw parin ang unang dapat humingi ng tawad."

"Bakit kahit gaano kasama ang trato ng mga magulang sa mga anak nila, inaasahan parin ng lipunan na wala ka dapat maramdamang galit sa magulang mo?"

Ang weird.

An daming tanong no. Wala naman kasing gustong sumagot e. Matik na kasi na dapat respeto, pagsunod, at paghanga lang ang mga salitang  

pinupugay sa mga dakilang ama't ina. 

Naalala ko pa yung mga storya ng mga matatanda, kung san laging may kabit yung mga lalaking matatanda. Kumbaga noong araw, para siyang requirement. 

Society: Uy, Buhay ka na nung panahon ng Hapon, eto si Lydia, asawahin mo din. You deserve it! 

Matandang Lolo: Hindi ba magagalit yung mga anak ko pag ginawa ko to?

Society: Unggoy ka ba, karapatan mo mangabit. Lalaki ka e. Hindi sapat ang asawa mo ngayon, kelangan buntisin mo din si Erma.

Matandang Lolo: Sabagay, mga anak ko lang naman sila. Wala silang karapatang magalit sakin. Ako ang dahilan kung bakit sila nasa mundong to. Mga ingrata.

Society: Yey! 

Noong nag lilitanya na yung kaibigan ko sa mga katanungan niya, nakita kong naka tatlong baso na pala kami ng beer nang ala una ng hapon. Natatawa nalang ako sa isip ko kasi fuck, atlis meron din palang nagiisip at nagtatanong ng mga tanong ko. Normal din palang makaramdam ng hinanakit sa magulang.

Ngayon, abala akong nagluluto para imbitahan sila sa Apt. Siguro pasasalamat ko narin kasi nung inatake ako ng trankaso sila din naman yung naabala at naistorbo. Haha bigla nalang akong dumausdos sa kwarto ko't bitbit bitbit yung mga prutas na apaw na apaw sa vitamin C. 

Kumbaga napakadaya. Biruin mo, hindi ko sila kinausap ng matino for 7 months. Tapos makaramdam lang ako ng sore throat daig ko pa yung umarkila ng private room sa St. Lukes sa pag-aalaga nila.


Hays, sarap din yung wala ka ng dinadalang sama ng loob. Totoo din naman yung pag ikaw ang hindi nagpatawad, ikaw din ang mahihirapan. Kumbaga lahat ng mga lintik na "Words of wisdom" tama e. Klasik yung, "Kayang tiisin ng anak ang ina pero di matitiis ng ina ang anak". Bwisit lang. Di naman mag ka rhyme.

Tapos din yung dinner. Tapos na din yung pagfree-load ng Pride sa balikat ko. Hindi ko alam kung gusto parin ipagpalit ni tropa ung mga magulang niya. O kung nagkaayos na yung mga magulang ni isa pang tropa... Di ko rin sure kung sa panahon ngayon tanggap parin ng lipunan ang broken family sanhi ng pangangabit.

Ang for sure lang e, wala talagang perpektong magulang. Walang may karapatang magsabi na lahat ng magulang ay kapakanan lang ng mga anak nila ang mahalaga. Sa parehong paraang hindi ko din masasabing lahat ng magulang ay tama. Dumaan din sila sa pag ka bobo dala ng murang kaisipan, hindi rin naman sigurado kung natuto sila nung 25 na sila.

Kung ipagpipilitan mong walang magulang ang kayang makasakit ng anak... Hindi ka ba mahihiya sa harap ng isang batang iniwan, inalipusta o pinabayaan ng mga magulang?

Kung ilalagay natin sa pedestal ang LAHAT ng mga magulang...baka sa kabilang banda, mayroong mga anak na hindi makaintindi sa pananaw mo. 

Ipahid mo. Pahiran Mo. Hanggang Mamanhid.

Ayun na.. Byahe na pauwe ng bahay. Siguro sa tatlong oras na byahe namin, siguro mga 859 na mura na yung naimbento ko sa utak ko sa katakot takot na trapik na sumalubong sakin. Para narin sa mga sasakyang hindi gumagamit ng signal light. Ilang beses atang pumasok yung kuyukot ko sa sikmura ko everytime na may mag ca-cut samin, o may pedestrian na bigla nalang tatawid sa kalsada.

Alam mo yung dasal ko na sana sa first day ng bakasyon ko makauwe man lang ako ng buhay. Ayon na agad yung iniisip ko. First day...ng Bakasyon. Makauwe lang ng buhay.

Mukha lang ang bitter bitter ko, pero hanggang dun lang naman yun.. after nung first day, umokey naman lahat. Although nung umaga ng second day ko, Dahil sa sarap ng tulog ko sa dati kong kama, sobrang sarap din ng gising ko. Yung ligaya ko di matatawaran, nasa PINAS NA ulit ako! biglang punyeta dumulas ung unang tapak ko sa hagdan. Nagtuloy tuloy yung paghulog ko. Damang dama ko bawat galabog ng pwet ko sa bawat baitang ng hagdan.Tugudugtugudugtugudug. Nagslow motion lahat ng nasa paligid ko. Nagtuloy tuloy yung hapis at pighati ko hanggang naramdaman ko nalang na nasa sahig na pala ko sa sala. Daig ko pa ung nahazing. Dahan dahan akong tumayo para icheck kung may kaluluwa pa yung katawang tao ko. Sabay higa sa sofa. Tapos di ko namamalayan nawalan na pala ko ng malay.

Pag gising ko, jusku ang sakit ng gulugod ko. Tipong unbearable pain. Saklap pa na ako lang mag isa sa bahay. Gustohin ko mang mag dial ng 911 wala namang 911 satin. Punyetang buhay to, Tawag ako ng tricycle agad para magpadala sa ospital. Kumbaga ang nasa isip ko lang, Lord bat ganito, talaga bang mag babakasyon akong nasa wheelchair?
Talaga bang eto yung simula ng bakasyon ko.Ang saya. Bale dun umikot ung 2nd day ko from vacation.


Awa ng Diyos, pag dating ko sa ospital, pinauna agad ako nung receptionist. Tapos ayun, niresetahan ako ng gamot, at mag pa X-ray daw ako. Ayun nga, bali yung gulugod ko. Ikaw ba naman mahulog sa hagdan ng alas sais ng umaga ewan ko nalang. Ayun na nga, dang mahal ng gamot! Binigyan ako ng gamot na iniinum, tsaka ointment na pinapahid, lahat ng pampamanhid at pagtanggal ng pamamaga. 




But despite of having a shit ton of bad luck on my first 2 days in the Philippines ...I was still optimistic. I was so sure I'd enjoy it in the long run. And I did.
I got to see my closest friends. I went to some of the best beaches in the country with them. I get to eat the things that aren't readily available in Canada.


Although this was my second vacation back in the country, There were a lot of things that I've experienced for the first time. Most of them are way too private and extremely unpleasant to share with but nonetheless, very thrilling. 



I may not be as excited as I was compared to my first homecoming, that still didn't take away the fact that I needed the 30 day off. I still enjoyed everyday where I get to wake up at 9 am and walk around the neighborhood with just a pair of shorts and a torn white shirt. I stopped by every buko juice stand or sari sari store in sight, sabay pahid ng ointment sa gulugod, and buy any fucking thing I want. 
I enjoyed the part where I practically lived in SM Dasma during those days and when I get bored I just take a bus going to Makati and stay there until the next day comes.

Yes MAKATI. Yess BGC. YES NEWPORT!! I was never a party goer, I haven't actually been in a legit night club. I never liked those places. I'm more of a bar kind of guy. A table, a live band a bucket of beer, a pack of Marlboro's and an interesting conversation. That's it. But when all your friends are either at work or taking care of their babies... I was left with no choice but to succumb to that kind of night life. 
And it wasn't all bad... in fact it was not bad at all. 



Isang gabi. Drunk as fuck. paikot ikot lang ako sa Ayala, habang nagpapahid ng ointment sa gulugod, Naglalakad. Pasulyap sulyap lang sa mga building. Madaling araw na pala, lakad parin ako, paikot ikot lang sa  museum, sa triangle, RCBC, PB COM, Glorietta, sabay asa triangle na pala ulit ako. Lasing lang. Ewan ko ba kung ba't ko ginagawa to.

There is always something to do each day.There's always somewhere to go to every day.


Pero isa lang ang naglalaro sa isip ko. Para akong college ulit. I remember the exact same feeling back when I was 23 and drunk out of my mind. The exact same feeling where there's nothing but pure ecstasy. Yung natural high. Yung ang laya laya mo. Yung pakiramdam na ikaw lang ang inaalala mo at wala ng iba.


It was an experience.. It was an experience I'd wanna do over and over again next year. It was college all over again.

I guess I realized now that a vacation doesn't necessarily mean that you need to have fun all the time. In retrospect, when I was with my friends, we talked about things that are really important to us . Things that actually matter. We had our fun don't get me wrong, I still laughed hard at their jokes and shit and I can't wait to see them again next year. But I appreciated our conversations more than ever.

 
Eto yung bakasyon na may sense I guess. Kasi parang eto na yung sagot sa problema ko tungkol sa pagiinarte ko sa "Dito o Dyan". Lalo na siguro nung gumastos ako ng 5k para lang gumaling ung pwet ko.
Eto na yung bakasyon na nagduldulan sakin na maswerte na ko sa ngyari sakin at tangina ko, wala akong dapat ireklamo sa stado ko. At habang buhay kong utang na loob sa mga magulang ko kung asan na ko ngayon. Wag akong madaming demands. 
Habang sinusulat ko to, natatawa nalang ako kasi natatandaan ko pa tong post na to. Haha. Baka 2018 na pala ang kalinawan sa pagkalabo labo kong kagaguhan.


Hindi naman ibig sabhin neto na nabawasan na yung pagmamahal ko sa Pinas. Parang sa pagkakaibigan din siguro yan. Pag asa Canada na ko, bihira na kami magusap usap. Pero di naman nangangahulugan na hindi ko na sila mahal lahat. Ganon lang talaga ang buhay. Kelangan mag adapt.


Parang mga first two weeks ko sa Pinas, ang bait bait ko pa. Tipong "Good Morning po" "Kamusta po kayo?" Ako pa si totoy bukas ng pinto, si boy ngiti sa lahat ng madadaanan. Si tango ng tango sa lahat ng makasalubong. Pero nung hindi pinapansin ni ate yung bayad ko sa jeep, habang ngalay na ngalay nako kakaabot, magbabago din pala yung ugali mo. Ugaling skwater mode ulit. Masaya din. Masarap din talaga maramdaman na sa dinami dami ng pagbabago sa buhay ko, isang babaeng hindi marunong makisuyo lang pala ang pagpapa realize sayo na skwater parin palo ako. Ang saya. Ang sarap na nalalakaran mo ng sabay yung dalawang magkaibang kalsadang iisa lang naman ang patutunghan.


Ewan ko ba, habang pinapahid ang ointment sa gulugod. Two years... two years pala bago ko marealize na okay na pala ko sa Canada. 

Happy Canada Day 2019!

Although I don't think I'll ever get to laugh as much as I do in the Philippines, or enjoy every single day like I did during my vacation. I will have to choose Canada for now. It might not be the life I hoped for, but it is the life I deserve. I'm not sure if I can afford to go on vacation this 2019... I might have to pass on this year. Kinailangan pa palang maalog ung pwet ko ng 14 times para marealize na okay naman pala ako. Sana pala narealize ko nalang ng mas maaga. Pahid pa ng ointment. Para mamanhid.

Moving the f*ck out, Moving the f*ck on

If you're one of my closest friends, perhaps you already know that one of my greatest dreams is to have a place of my own. I don't really know where it came from or how it started, but ever since I can remember, I always had this affiliation with owning a house. A place where I can be comfortable and be at peace. Growing up, my family had a fair share of moving in's and out's. Lumaki ako sa Noveleta, then sa Kawit, then sa temporary house sa Gen. Tri, then finally sa bahay na talaga namin sa Gen Tri din.

During these times, it never crossed my mind that we will ever have to move. My childhood happened mostly in Noveleta. My mom's hometown, where her and her family lived for generations. I can still remember quite a lot of memories from that house. I thought I was going to live there forever. What did I know at 12 anyway. That place taught me how to make friends. It showed me the concept of community, only because every family in the compound is related. But I guess having  "too much family" proved to be extremely demanding. You can't seem to live peaceful where every unit is trying to bring each other down, it became toxic and unbearable. It wasn't truly our home. 

There were a lot of memories, but there was no growth. Now, my childhood home is but a rubble in the narrow streets of Noveleta.

We had to move to Kawit eventually to avoid familial conflicts. The place used to be an abandoned house owned by a relative. It looked haunted, and more likely to resemble a jungle more than a house. It was a big house with plenty of space to garden. I mean the land was spacious! There was even a "poso" (Shang ena nemen eng kenyow ko nemen ditow) situated on the center of the garden. I can still remember the first days of unpacking boxes. It was the first time we had to do it. My first time moving in to a new place. It was also my first time to have my own room. So that was definitely a plus on our end. And I was ehem going through puberty at this time so door locks is a matter of life and death. A necessity. 

Anyway, we didn't really stay for more than a year in that dump. I was so impressed by how my parents handled the situation looking back. I can still remember them fighting about whether to move out the next year or not, or about the choices of prospective houses. I didn't quite grasp the gravity of the situation at that time. At 13, all I really care about is my friends at school and how leaving them is the worst thing that could ever happen to me. 

But my mom was so dedicated to move out and to find a better living space. She knew from the beginning that that place was not a conducive environment for growing children. She dreamed big. She put her foot down and risk huge down-payments and monthly amortizations. 

I can't even begin to think where she got the money from, or if we even had savings. My brother and I are both studying in private schools, and my brother that time was already in college, STAYING in a dorm, an added expense. I am only realizing how stressful must that be for them and more importantly, how determined my mom is at that time. She was brave. She wanted the best thing for her family no matter the cost.

So there, her dreams turned into reality. We found a place in General Trias, Cavite. It was once a place of complete serenity with only cows and fields in sight. I think this was back in 2014. We had to rent a place in the same subdivision where our home is being constructed. My parents wants to see the progress and I guess if the contractors are using the right materials. So for a couple months, we had to endure staying in a place where we know is only temporary. It was so much better than the one in Kawit. The surrounding was a little bit more upscale. Roads were a lot wider, people were a little more decent, and the atmosphere seemed a little safe.

I, of course, had to transfer highschools. Fortunately, the school that my mom chose for me is only starting to offer high-school classes. So everyone basically is a new kid. No awkward phases and shit.... Well... not exactly... there were definitely some awkward phases. yep. very awkward. 

Going back to the actual topic, When our so-called "dream home" at that time was completely built, It gave my parents the validation that they did very well for themselves. Having a decent house at the time somehow reflects success. Don't get me wrong, we were very far from actually owning the house. I believe we had to endure paying it for 7 to 10 years, I'm not very sure. But those months were tough... I mean not really for me and my brother, but for my parents. Again, I still can't understand how they were able to juggle paying the mortgage, tuition fees, bills, food, all the while managed to gave us the luxury of being an adolescent without having to give a single fuck about financial issues. 

And when we finally paid the last payment. The time when we can truly say that we own our home, that it is ours, I just remembered that 12 year-old kid in Noveleta and how far he has gone. I was just grateful for what my parents have achieved. That was their dream. Theirs.

Fast forward to 2017, We are in Canada. We migrated from the comfort of our home in General Trias to an unfamiliar territory. A place where acquiring a place of your own seemed impossible. After all the years of monthly payments, it felt like it was all for nothing. Who's going to live in my parents dream home now? Who's going to take advantage of the renovations I have designed? No one. It occurred to every single one of us to just sell it and use the money here in Canada, but none of us can't seem to let go of that place. There were just too much stuff that were invested in that house. Amin na yun e. Whatever happens, we have a house. A home. 

2017 My brother and I bought a house in Edmonton. A year after we landed in Canada. I used most of my resources to help buy a house here. No matter the cost. It was for my family. It was payback. Whatever happens, they will have a home. Wherever they go, they will have place where there is comfort and peace. Because it was never just a dream for me, it was every bit of gratitude for every single sweat and tear they've endured for me and my brother.

Moments passed. Life has been lived. Andun na ko sa puntong, ano naman?
So yung matagal ko ng pangarap, natupad na. Finally may bahay na kami... bakit parang may bumabagabag parin sakin. E tuloy tuloy naman yung pagtanaw ko nang utang na loob sa mga magulang ko by handing them a house on a silver platter. 

Hm..Neto nalang din nag sink in sakin... Hindi ko pala pangarap ung bahay na yun para sakin. Para sakanila pala yun. Hindi pala para sakin.

So bilang Pilipino tayo sa isip sa salita sa gawa at sa mga outdated na kaisipan... Alam kong magiging mahirap pa sa punyeta ang pag sabi sa mga magulang ko na gusto ko ng bumukod. 
The fuck, even mentioning it on a casual conversation, you can actually see the disdain on their faces. 

Sobrang hirap i explain sa traditional Filipino parent na gusto mo din maging independent, magsarili at mabuhay ng naaayon sa gusto mo, at hindi sa kagustuhan nila.

Pero yun, ang natutuwa naman ako sa ugali ko, I was never afraid to voice my shit, especially when I really really need to express myself. So ayun, it was a conversation that happened on a dinner table....and as expected, the conversation ended with disappointment and dismay. It was a shock for some reason. I just can't believe they can't grasp the idea that kids grow up, and eventually, they move the fuck out. 

They assumed that my moving out meant that I didn't want to live with them anymore, and that I am no longer happy staying with them... well there are some truth in that, but it wasn't like because I fucking hated them! Of course I love that I wake up in the morning not having to worry about breakfast, or going to work knowing my uniform is already washed and ironed. Of course having to come home from work knowing there's Sinigang or Tinola on the table. 

They even thought it has something to do with me wanting to become more "WESTERNIZED" and honestly that fucking hit a nerve. I went from calm to a complete condescending piece of shit.
It was never about that, it was not even about proving a point at that time. 

It was just me wanting to have my own space. My own effing life. 

My life. A life filled with decisions covered with mistakes glazed with life lessons. Is that too much ask?

I finally wanted to move forward and start thinking about me. All this time, I always had my family in the background. I always have this voice telling me that a decision may lead to their disappointment. That it will upset them if I do this or that. 

I craved for a time where It was just me. That I can finally shut everyone up and say fuck man, it's my turn.

So I moved. And man it was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. I experienced heaven and hell alone and I survived, still surviving. Still enjoying the comfort and the peace. 

I still can't believe I was able to accomplish this now. I am very happy. It can be sad at times. Sometimes I miss the comfort of family, but I wouldn't have it any other way. My only hope is that they can get over the fact that it has nothing to do with them. That it was all me. It was for me.

In retrospect, I really thought they'd be proud about my moving out, just because they can finally stop worrying about me. That it will prove that they have done a perfect job in parenting because I can stand on my own feet. But I guess they've always known that about me... they just didn't know I'd do it as soon as I did.

Fuck ang hirap sa una, lalo na pag pera na yung pinagusapan. Jusku grabe yung perang nailabas ko maabot lang tong pangarap ko. Pero hindi talaga siya masakit kung tutuusin, kasi lahat naman ng nagamit ko ay pinagipunan ko ever since I got here. Sobrang galing kasi nag line up sila lahat. Kumbaga, isang araw nalang paggising ko, shit ngayon na ko lilipat. Then boom. December 14, 2018, I moved out from my parents' house to my apartment.

Now, still struggling with monthly bills, insurance, rent... but who cares... Parang andito na ko sa part na, hmmm... what's my next goal?
Siguro ganun naman talaga, kung walang katapusan ung gastos, edi sulitin mo na, mag unli-goals ka nalang din. Sa bandang huli, ikaw rin naman ang makikinabang sa pinaghirapan mo.

Notice of Disconnection

Hello, *sigh* 

Birthday ko na. Isang taon na naman ang lumipas. Isang taong punong puno ng mga interesanteng bagay. Kung tutuusin, itong taon na'to nagsimula ung bagong yugto sa buhay ko e. Parang bago lahat. Parang clean-slate na tinatawag. Biglang nag shift sa isang direksyong matagal ko nang ineexpect na mangyayari, pero di ko inaasahang mangyayari talaga, o mangyayari na, tipong eto na. Andito na siya.

The year 2018, I deactivated my Facebook account. A year without any connections to EVERY SINGLE PERSON I KNOW BACK HOME. Family, friends, real close friends... none, No Hi's no hello's... just pure disconnect from the crippling effects of empathy. I decided to quit from caring about the outside and focused all my energy towards myself. I needed space. I needed the time to process all the "situations" life has thrown at me. These "situations" came all at the same time, where I felt I needed to say "Fuck it, it's my turn".

I know I'm getting over dramatic, using words that doesn't really explain anything, but my typing words again, from a year-long hiatus, makes me feel back... I'm here. I've defeated my demons. 

I guess, anyone who ever felt what I have felt for this past year would understand every single thing I'm saying right now. It's more of a feeling really. Do I care to share every details of those "situations"? No. I don't intend to share every specific detail of my life to anyone. But I'll give you this. It is 100% my fault. My doing. My decision. Was I proud of every single thing that I did, of course not. Some I regret, some I hate myself for it, nonetheless, My choice.

Leaving Facebook does not only mean I can no longer post pictures of my every meal or sharing interesting encounters worded in a sarcastic manner for more likes. It meant disconnect. It literally disconnected me from all my loved ones, and their stories. I have no idea about how their year went. I removed myself from the exciting news, the birthdays, the gatherings, the issues... the intoxicating issues. issues that becomes your issue, issues that you have to think about the whole day, the week, the month. Slowly their problem becomes your problem, for reasons you just hate yourself with.

It's not like they are forcing you to worry about them, and their shits, but can you really remove yourself from feeling something when the first thing you see in the morning on your timeline are words of negativity and malice. Or just extreme disrespect over one another, or complete stupidity regarding a trending topic. Kumbaga, fuck, Kailangan ko ba talaga to mabasa at 7 in the morning? Is this really how I wanted to start my day? 

Also you realize, as you grow older, you tend to lose friends. One day, you just realize how few your true friends are. Out of the hundreds or thousands of friends you have on Facebook, only a handful will be with you till the end, during your most trying days. Friends who will still be there for you after ignoring them for a year. Realizing you are never really growing if you still have more than 10 close friends in your company. That, however, doesn't mean you have to let go of your current friends or, the people you are with are not really your friends. Of course, you are overly lucky if every single person in your company of 5000 has genuine concern for you and your well-being. Good job. But, I guess, what I'm trying to say is, you wouldn't really have that much time and energy to spend on every single person in your life. Choose wisely, or life will choose it for you. Either way, You must be insanely grateful to have even, at least one person who will carry the load with you.

Now, Facebook is really more like a networking site.... Wait, Facebook is really a social networking site. It was designed to connect people all over world. Friends of friends of friends to friends of friends of friends. If you're in your 20's looking to get a new tattoo, maybe check your list and say hi to your old pal who is now a tattoo artist. Maybe you need a medical opinion, why not message an old high-school friend who is a medical practitioner these days. Does it mean you're only using them for a favor... well yes! of course. But should anyone be offended? NO. You could be upset and shit but... A person thought of you in a time where options are just a click away. Don't make it a big deal. Connect.


Today, on my birthday, I felt it's time to reconnect. Time to make amends. I think I'm ready for the disgusting ways to enjoy your daily life. I am happy some of my "worsts" days are over. I am genuinely grateful my closest friends said hello back. At the end of the day, I could've gone through my problems easier with sharing it with them but I did choose to deal with it alone. I guess I wanted to prove something. It was thoughtless, but it was definitely worth it.